Caretaking, anticipatory grief and how to stop living in the future

[Patty Cakes]

I have been doing a lot of work with TMS, but a huge hurdle right now is living in the future and dealing with heavy anticipatory grief.

My husband has chronic health issues and is struggling quite a bit right now. I also have an aging senior guinea pig who is slowing down and an elderly 15 yr old dog. Both parents still at home but neither doing well. My brain constantly wants to scan the horizon, worry about the future and play out every "what-if" scenario before it even happens.

I've noticed that this constant worrying, triggers my physical pain flares ups. I try looking at the emotions behind it all and sometimes it becomes too overwhelming. They are all still here but I can see too many upcoming losses in my future. For those of you navigating TMS while caretaking or facing aging pets/loved ones: how do you stop your brain from living in the future? What tools do you use to pull yourself back to the present moment when the weight feels so heavy?

Thank you for any insight!

 

[BloodMoon]

What tools do you use to pull yourself back to the present moment when the weight feels so heavy?

Below is what I do. It's a passage from my recovery story (my full story can be seen here: My recovery story). I'm an only child and as such had to deal with all the things involved in caring for my late parents. My mother had Alzheimer's and my father had metastatic prostate cancer and some kind of dementia towards the end. I couldn't physically take care of them but I had power of attorney and therefore the responsibility of arranging for their care and all the associated hassle and bureaucracy involved in dealing with their affairs.

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The other thing I eventually noticed was what was going on in my head.

My thoughts frequently got stuck in loops.

Bad predictions about what might happen.

Anger about things that had happened in the past.

Going over things and back to them again.

Then going over them and back to them again.

I hadn't really realised how much mental energy I was spending doing this until I started noticing it.

But I didn't know exactly what to do about it.

And then I found I didn't need to argue with the thoughts or try to stop them or force myself to think positively.

I could simply notice:

“Oh. I'm doing that again.”

Then I'd lengthen an out breath or two.

And carry on.

The thought would come back.

I'd do it again.

It might come back again.

And I'd do it again.

It wasn't about getting rid of the thoughts. It was about interrupting the loop.

And it's what I do to this very day and will continue to do for the rest of my life.

One thing that really helped me understand this better was Steven Oats's book, Rewire Your Mind Without Willpower: A Brain-Based Guide to Breaking Mental Loops, Calming the Nervous System & Creating Lasting Change.

The idea of breaking mental loops without trying to force yourself to think differently really resonated with me.

The book is about working with the brain rather than trying to bully it into changing, and that fitted surprisingly well with what I'd been discovering for myself.

For me, it became pretty simple:

Think small - take baby steps with life.

Notice the thought loop.

One or two long out breaths.

Carry on.

Rinse and repeat.

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[Patty Cakes]

Below is what I do. It's a passage from my recovery story (my full story can be seen here: My recovery story). I'm an only child and as such had to deal with all the things involved in caring for my late parents. My mother had Alzheimer's and my father had metastatic prostate cancer and some kind of dementia towards the end. I couldn't physically take care of them but I had power of attorney and therefore the responsibility of arranging for their care and all the associated hassle and bureaucracy involved in dealing with their affairs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other thing I eventually noticed was what was going on in my head.

My thoughts frequently got stuck in loops.

Bad predictions about what might happen.

Anger about things that had happened in the past.

Going over things and back to them again.

Then going over them and back to them again.

I hadn't really realised how much mental energy I was spending doing this until I started noticing it.

But I didn't know exactly what to do about it.

And then I found I didn't need to argue with the thoughts or try to stop them or force myself to think positively.

I could simply notice:

“Oh. I'm doing that again.”

Then I'd lengthen an out breath or two.

And carry on.

The thought would come back.

I'd do it again.

It might come back again.

And I'd do it again.

It wasn't about getting rid of the thoughts. It was about interrupting the loop.

And it's what I do to this very day and will continue to do for the rest of my life.

One thing that really helped me understand this better was Steven Oats's book, Rewire Your Mind Without Willpower: A Brain-Based Guide to Breaking Mental Loops, Calming the Nervous System & Creating Lasting Change.

The idea of breaking mental loops without trying to force yourself to think differently really resonated with me.

The book is about working with the brain rather than trying to bully it into changing, and that fitted surprisingly well with what I'd been discovering for myself.

For me, it became pretty simple:

Think small - take baby steps with life.

Notice the thought loop.

One or two long out breaths.

Carry on.

Rinse and repeat.

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Thanks for sharing that. I will breathe, carry on and rinse and repeat! I will also order his book. I believe you are the Eagle who told me about Claire Weekes books and they have been very, very helpful for me. I don't do any physical caretaking either but a lot of logistics, trying to work with hospitals, rehabs, in a very broken system. Thanks again for all your help.

 

[BloodMoon]

I believe you are the Eagle who told me about Claire Weekes books and they have been very, very helpful for me.

Claire Weekes' books are great, but I can't take the credit for it--I think @HealingMe and @Cactusflower both recommended Claire Weekes to you on the same thread

I don't do any physical caretaking either but a lot of logistics, trying to work with hospitals, rehabs, in a very broken system.

No consolation I know, but I sympathise as it's the same here in the UK.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Claire Weekes' books are great, but I can't take the credit for it--I think @HealingMe and @Cactusflower both recommended Claire Weekes to you on the same thread


No consolation I know, but I sympathise as it's the same here in the

All of you Eagles and the Coach have been extremely helpful!

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I have been doing a lot of work with TMS, but a huge hurdle right now is living in the future and dealing with heavy anticipatory grief.

My husband has chronic health issues and is struggling quite a bit right now. I also have an aging senior guinea pig who is slowing down and an elderly 15 yr old dog. Both parents still at home but neither doing well. My brain constantly wants to scan the horizon, worry about the future and play out every "what-if" scenario before it even happens.

I've noticed that this constant worrying, triggers my physical pain flares ups. I try looking at the emotions behind it all and sometimes it becomes too overwhelming. They are all still here but I can see too many upcoming losses in my future. For those of you navigating TMS while caretaking or facing aging pets/loved ones: how do you stop your brain from living in the future? What tools do you use to pull yourself back to the present moment when the weight feels so heavy?

Thank you for any insight!

Hi Patty,

I'm just curious as to how much this has to do with guilt/shame? Because socially acceptable emotions don't tend to be repressed/suppressed, and as such usually grief itself doesn't cause symptoms (it can depending on a person's unique relationship with it).

You might be taking too much responsibility for things you can't control in the future (which might have an element of guilt) - it will be sad but it's perfectly ok for you to feel that way at the time. That might be why you're jumping forward, you're not terrified of the grief but rather you're terrified of the shame/guilt that may come at the same time (perhaps something like "what if I didn't do enough for my husband?"). Just a thought, but this would make more sense to me based on the TMS personality.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Hi Patty,

I'm just curious as to how much this has to do with guilt/shame? Because socially acceptable emotions don't tend to be repressed/suppressed, and as such usually grief itself doesn't cause symptoms (it can depending on a person's unique relationship with it).

You might be taking too much responsibility for things you can't control in the future (which might have an element of guilt) - it will be sad but it's perfectly ok for you to feel that way at the time. That might be why you're jumping forward, you're not terrified of the grief but rather you're terrified of the shame/guilt that may come at the same time (perhaps something like "what if I didn't do enough for my husband?"). Just a thought, but this would make more sense to me based on the TMS personality.

I appreciate your input, but I don't really feel guilt because I've set solid boundaries and know I've done more than my share. Jeff has end-stage renal disease, is on dialysis, and has a host of other medical issues, and I have stepped back where I need to. As for my elderly guinea pig and dog, I've given them both a wonderful life, and I know that humans and animals grow old and pass away—I have a strong belief in God and that part isn't what stops me.

My struggle is pure anticipatory fear: of how I will deal with all the logistics, the upcoming losses, the feelings of loss, and of being alone. For instance, a cousin of mine passed away (someone I haven't seen in years), and even though the wake isn't until Sunday evening, I'm already stressing about it now. I'm always anticipating and dreading certain events.

I find it so hard to just live in the present when my mind is constantly worrying about what MIGHT happen, and I work myself up into a frenzy at times, making things worse than they should be for events that haven't even happened yet. An Eagle named Blood Moon shared a way of stopping those thoughts and breaking that loop, and I got the Kindle version of the book she suggested and in just the few pages I have read, it describes me to a T. That is where my real issue lies: how to stop looking ahead and worrying about what might happen.

 

[Cactusflower]

Hi @Patty Cakes
The things you are describing: logistics, losses, BEING ALONE - which I think is a HUGE part of what you are going through.

What might help you gain a sense of having SOME control (but not 100% control) over your future. Pre-planning? Winging it and not planning? Having someone to talk to for support?
My Mom lost my Dad in a similar way to you loosing your husband. She arranged his funeral at a home where they offered support for the planning. She purchased resting places ahead of time (with their help), chose how they would be interned.
She planned a vacation. She did not initiate the plans until a few weeks before my Dad's imminent passing. She also spoke to her chaplain friend a lot and discussed grief, relief, loss and all of it. A month after my Dad's passing my Mom went to Portugal for a month and had the BEST time.
I think that thinking about the positive aspects: the possibilities (they do not have to be concrete plans) can be helpful. When she returned from her trip she was free to join all the social groups, senior travel groups and classes she thought of trying. She met more people, had a blast.

Perhaps beginning to take some steps (any steps) or even think about possibility for the future - no concrete plans, just consider possibility will be of some help. Again, it's a balance. When the time comes you will feel the grief and loss, you might also feel relief. You will have a spectrum of possibilities to consider when you are ready: a list of things you want to try that you never have, some possibilities for your future if you want to make some major changes (or a firm mind not to make changes now). Your world will open a little more than what it is now. It seems like you have been very boxed in for a long time. It's easy to get stuck in that box, but you can lift the flap a little bit and notice that there is more.

I love that you mention DREAD - dread is one of the things that is so emotionally uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is just like any symptom - it effects the nervous system. In that way it acts just like grief, shame, guilt, anger etc. and just like those things you can feel it, but learn to soften around it and have some compassion for yourself when it comes up.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Hi @Patty Cakes
The things you are describing: logistics, losses, BEING ALONE - which I think is a HUGE part of what you are going through.

What might help you gain a sense of having SOME control (but not 100% control) over your future. Pre-planning? Winging it and not planning? Having someone to talk to for support?
My Mom lost my Dad in a similar way to you loosing your husband. She arranged his funeral at a home where they offered support for the planning. She purchased resting places ahead of time (with their help), chose how they would be interned.
She planned a vacation. She did not initiate the plans until a few weeks before my Dad's imminent passing. She also spoke to her chaplain friend a lot and discussed grief, relief, loss and all of it. A month after my Dad's passing my Mom went to Portugal for a month and had the BEST time.
I think that thinking about the positive aspects: the possibilities (they do not have to be concrete plans) can be helpful. When she returned from her trip she was free to join all the social groups, senior travel groups and classes she thought of trying. She met more people, had a blast.

Perhaps beginning to take some steps (any steps) or even think about possibility for the future - no concrete plans, just consider possibility will be of some help. Again, it's a balance. When the time comes you will feel the grief and loss, you might also feel relief. You will have a spectrum of possibilities to consider when you are ready: a list of things you want to try that you never have, some possibilities for your future if you want to make some major changes (or a firm mind not to make changes now). Your world will open a little more than what it is now. It seems like you have been very boxed in for a long time. It's easy to get stuck in that box, but you can lift the flap a little bit and notice that there is more.

I love that you mention DREAD - dread is one of the things that is so emotionally uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is just like any symptom - it affects the nervous system. In that way it acts just like grief, shame, guilt, anger etc. and just like those things you can feel it, but learn to soften around it and have some compassion for yourself when it comes up.

I have felt very boxed in. My world has shrunk, and my pain increased—though it's lessened a bit since doing this TMS work, it's still there. I've been looking at some hard truths, emotions, and anger I felt and still feel.

My world these last two plus years has been about hospitals, rehabs, and fighting a medical system that is broken. Having Jeff released from rehab, coming home, falling, and ending up back in hospitals—it never ends. It's been so tiring, frustrating, and downright depressing.

I just want to look forward to happier days. So I will open that box a little, and in my future, I can look forward to new possibilities.

 

[Rabscuttle]

I highly recommend looking into and getting into spirituality and spirituality based meditation. Connecting with God, the universe, your higher self or whatever. Not in the context of religion, but more about believing that there is more to reality than the potential horrors or shittiness of this physical reality.

I highly recommend the Meditation teacher Ben Smith, he’s on YouTube.

I’ll be honest, the odds of you having some aha moment in the future where things are good and great and full of happiness are slim to none unless they are built on a foundation of something other than how youre currently living. Spirituality is that. Is it easy? Fuck no? Have I achieved what I am advocating and preaching? Again, Fuck no. This is something that is likely going to take my entire life and possibly multiple lifetimes.

Even if you weren’t dealing with chronic symptoms, our situations would still be a mess because our inner worlds are in utter turmoil. Sometimes we lose sight of this and focus on small goals like ending pain when the truth is we’re missing the forest for the trees. There’s something deeply wrong that has allowed our life to reach this stage of dysfunction. Childhood trauma, bullying, a shit family led to me closing myself off, which led to a heavily nihilistic outlook which paved the way for a panicky brain to generate debilitating symptoms-whether as a distraction or a message or a Hail Mary from my higher self, who tf knows.

It’s awesome that you want to look forward to happy days. You’re going to need some big internal shifts about how you’re navigating to this frankly at times horrid reality so that they may actually happen. Again, I think spirituality is that for you. ITs why so many find god on their death beds, that’s their rock bottom of the utter misery that their situation has become. Why wait till that point? We can find gratitude that our brain has accelerated our situation enough to grant us this wake up call.

 

[Patty Cakes]

I highly recommend looking into and getting into spirituality and spirituality based meditation. Connecting with God, the universe, your higher self or whatever. Not in the context of religion, but more about believing that there is more to reality than the potential horrors or shittiness of this physical reality.

I highly recommend the Meditation teacher Ben Smith, he’s on YouTube.

I’ll be honest, the odds of you having some aha moment in the future where things are good and great and full of happiness are slim to none unless they are built on a foundation of something other than how youre currently living. Spirituality is that. Is it easy? Fuck no? Have I achieved what I am advocating and preaching? Again, Fuck no. This is something that is likely going to take my entire life and possibly multiple lifetimes.

Even if you weren’t dealing with chronic symptoms, our situations would still be a mess because our inner worlds are in utter turmoil. Sometimes we lose sight of this and focus on small goals like ending pain when the truth is we’re missing the forest for the trees. There’s something deeply wrong that has allowed our life to reach this stage of dysfunction. Childhood trauma, bullying, a shit family led to me closing myself off, which led to a heavily nihilistic outlook which paved the way for a panicky brain to generate debilitating symptoms-whether as a distraction or a message or a Hail Mary from my higher self, who tf knows.

It’s awesome that you want to look forward to happy days. You’re going to need some big internal shifts about how you’re navigating to this frankly at times horrid reality so that they may actually happen. Again, I think spirituality is that for you. ITs why so many find god on their death beds, that’s their rock bottom of the utter misery that their situation has become. Why wait till that point? We can find gratitude that our brain has accelerated our situation enough to grant us this wake up call.

If I'm to be brutally honest, I was a little taken aback by some of your words and language but sometimes some brutal honesty is a good thing, I guess. I've always had a belief in God but also have a belief that our souls continue their journey, until complete. I've always believed I am an old soul. Kind of makes no sense if I believe in God but yet feels the soul of a person goes through many journeys, until their soul is complete. Maybe it does so to teach us lessons, we may have not learned in this life. Perhaps our journey was to help others by putting us in difficult situations, so we understand the suffering of others. Sometimes I ask myself "what did I do in‎ a prior life to deserve this?" So perhaps diving a little more into spirituality would be a really positive thing for me. I"ll check out the video and let you know how it goes. I thank you for your suggestion and your brutal honesty.

 

[Rabscuttle]

If I'm to be brutally honest, I was a little taken aback by some of your words and language but sometimes some brutal honesty is a good thing, I guess. I've always had a belief in God but also have a belief that our souls continue their journey, until complete. I've always believed I am an old soul. Kind of makes no sense if I believe in God but yet feels the soul of a person goes through many journeys, until their soul is complete. Maybe it does so to teach us lessons, we may have not learned in this life. Perhaps our journey was to help others by putting us in difficult situations, so we understand the suffering of others. Sometimes I ask myself "what did I do in‎ a prior life to deserve this?" So perhaps diving a little more into spirituality would be a really positive thing for me. I"ll check out the video and let you know how it goes. I thank you for your suggestion and your brutal honesty.

Sorry Patty! I didn’t mean any offense! I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. I know what it’s like to feel trapped.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I appreciate your input, but I don't really feel guilt because I've set solid boundaries and know I've done more than my share. Jeff has end-stage renal disease, is on dialysis, and has a host of other medical issues, and I have stepped back where I need to.

That's great! I understand and likewise I appreciate you letting me know - I think Cactus' post speaking of the grief was excellent.

I want to make clear too that nothing I say is aimed at telling you how to feel, it's more putting things out there as potential things to think about, whether they resonate or not is completely fine

I think it's just the self-compassion to allow yourself to feel however you feel going forward (that's really at the crux of symptoms). You talk about logistics, and I understand they are different, but you've been dealing with a logistical nightmare these last two years with hospitals and that back and forth (and wanting out of that likely presents its own internal conflict, which may be fuelling symptoms). I think you're more than capable of dealing with that as it comes

 

[Patty Cakes]

Sorry Patty! I didn’t mean any offense! I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. I know what it’s like to feel trapped.

No offense taken. I feel very understood here, knowing others have felt or feel like I do. And I do feel trapped. THat's just the brutal truth.

 

[Patty Cakes]

That's great! I understand and likewise I appreciate you letting me know - I think Cactus' post speaking of the grief was excellent.

I want to make clear too that nothing I say is aimed at telling you how to feel, it's more putting things out there as potential things to think about, whether they resonate or not is completely fine

I think it's just the self-compassion to allow yourself to feel however you feel going forward (that's really at the crux of symptoms). You talk about logistics, and I understand they are different, but you've been dealing with a logistical nightmare these last two years with hospitals and that back and forth (and wanting out of that likely presents its own internal conflict, which may be fuelling symptoms). I think you're more than capable of dealing with that as

That's great! I understand and likewise I appreciate you letting me know - I think Cactus' post speaking of the grief was excellent.

I want to make clear too that nothing I say is aimed at telling you how to feel, it's more putting things out there as potential things to think about, whether they resonate or not is completely fine

I think it's just the self-compassion to allow yourself to feel however you feel going forward (that's really at the crux of symptoms). You talk about logistics, and I understand they are different, but you've been dealing with a logistical nightmare these last two years with hospitals and that back and forth (and wanting out of that likely presents its own internal conflict, which may be fuelling symptoms). I think you're more than capable of dealing with that as it comes

I appreciate all your insights. It really helps to consider various emotions that might be there, under the surface, that I may not realize are there. I think what's been coming up a lot for me is anger and frustration. I did express the anger toward Jeff, many times through the years but my anger was never heard or totally disregarded and ignored. I guess that's a large part of my hurt, being ignored, when I would express how something or someone was hurting me. Not hurting me physically but by ignoring my feelings. It's hard sometimes, coming to the realization that I've spent decades with a man, who never really heard or cared to understand me. MY father did the same, when he teased me and it hurt deeply, even if the words were "oh, you're so cute". I cried, I screamed, yet both he and my husband never really heard me. I"m working my way through that hurt but it's been difficult. I"ve come to realize it isn't me, it's just I picked the wrong person to share my life with.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

That makes complete sense - in that this is triggering old emotional wounds which are leading to symptoms. It's not easy, but I definitely think you're on the right track and I think such a realisation is massive in terms of recovery.