Caretaking, anticipatory grief and how to stop living in the future

[Patty Cakes]

I have been doing a lot of work with TMS, but a huge hurdle right now is living in the future and dealing with heavy anticipatory grief.

My husband has chronic health issues and is struggling quite a bit right now. I also have an aging senior guinea pig who is slowing down and an elderly 15 yr old dog. Both parents still at home but neither doing well. My brain constantly wants to scan the horizon, worry about the future and play out every "what-if" scenario before it even happens.

I've noticed that this constant worrying, triggers my physical pain flares ups. I try looking at the emotions behind it all and sometimes it becomes too overwhelming. They are all still here but I can see too many upcoming losses in my future. For those of you navigating TMS while caretaking or facing aging pets/loved ones: how do you stop your brain from living in the future? What tools do you use to pull yourself back to the present moment when the weight feels so heavy?

Thank you for any insight!

 

[BloodMoon]

What tools do you use to pull yourself back to the present moment when the weight feels so heavy?

Below is what I do. It's a passage from my recovery story (my full story can be seen here: My recovery story). I'm an only child and as such had to deal with all the things involved in caring for my late parents. My mother had Alzheimer's and my father had metastatic prostate cancer and some kind of dementia towards the end. I couldn't physically take care of them but I had power of attorney and therefore the responsibility of arranging for their care and all the associated hassle and bureaucracy involved in dealing with their affairs.

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The other thing I eventually noticed was what was going on in my head.

My thoughts frequently got stuck in loops.

Bad predictions about what might happen.

Anger about things that had happened in the past.

Going over things and back to them again.

Then going over them and back to them again.

I hadn't really realised how much mental energy I was spending doing this until I started noticing it.

But I didn't know exactly what to do about it.

And then I found I didn't need to argue with the thoughts or try to stop them or force myself to think positively.

I could simply notice:

“Oh. I'm doing that again.”

Then I'd lengthen an out breath or two.

And carry on.

The thought would come back.

I'd do it again.

It might come back again.

And I'd do it again.

It wasn't about getting rid of the thoughts. It was about interrupting the loop.

And it's what I do to this very day and will continue to do for the rest of my life.

One thing that really helped me understand this better was Steven Oats's book, Rewire Your Mind Without Willpower: A Brain-Based Guide to Breaking Mental Loops, Calming the Nervous System & Creating Lasting Change.

The idea of breaking mental loops without trying to force yourself to think differently really resonated with me.

The book is about working with the brain rather than trying to bully it into changing, and that fitted surprisingly well with what I'd been discovering for myself.

For me, it became pretty simple:

Think small - take baby steps with life.

Notice the thought loop.

One or two long out breaths.

Carry on.

Rinse and repeat.

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[Patty Cakes]

Below is what I do. It's a passage from my recovery story (my full story can be seen here: My recovery story). I'm an only child and as such had to deal with all the things involved in caring for my late parents. My mother had Alzheimer's and my father had metastatic prostate cancer and some kind of dementia towards the end. I couldn't physically take care of them but I had power of attorney and therefore the responsibility of arranging for their care and all the associated hassle and bureaucracy involved in dealing with their affairs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other thing I eventually noticed was what was going on in my head.

My thoughts frequently got stuck in loops.

Bad predictions about what might happen.

Anger about things that had happened in the past.

Going over things and back to them again.

Then going over them and back to them again.

I hadn't really realised how much mental energy I was spending doing this until I started noticing it.

But I didn't know exactly what to do about it.

And then I found I didn't need to argue with the thoughts or try to stop them or force myself to think positively.

I could simply notice:

“Oh. I'm doing that again.”

Then I'd lengthen an out breath or two.

And carry on.

The thought would come back.

I'd do it again.

It might come back again.

And I'd do it again.

It wasn't about getting rid of the thoughts. It was about interrupting the loop.

And it's what I do to this very day and will continue to do for the rest of my life.

One thing that really helped me understand this better was Steven Oats's book, Rewire Your Mind Without Willpower: A Brain-Based Guide to Breaking Mental Loops, Calming the Nervous System & Creating Lasting Change.

The idea of breaking mental loops without trying to force yourself to think differently really resonated with me.

The book is about working with the brain rather than trying to bully it into changing, and that fitted surprisingly well with what I'd been discovering for myself.

For me, it became pretty simple:

Think small - take baby steps with life.

Notice the thought loop.

One or two long out breaths.

Carry on.

Rinse and repeat.

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Thanks for sharing that. I will breathe, carry on and rinse and repeat! I will also order his book. I believe you are the Eagle who told me about Claire Weekes books and they have been very, very helpful for me. I don't do any physical caretaking either but a lot of logistics, trying to work with hospitals, rehabs, in a very broken system. Thanks again for all your help.

 

[BloodMoon]

I believe you are the Eagle who told me about Claire Weekes books and they have been very, very helpful for me.

Claire Weekes' books are great, but I can't take the credit for it--I think @HealingMe and @Cactusflower both recommended Claire Weekes to you on the same thread

I don't do any physical caretaking either but a lot of logistics, trying to work with hospitals, rehabs, in a very broken system.

No consolation I know, but I sympathise as it's the same here in the UK.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Claire Weekes' books are great, but I can't take the credit for it--I think @HealingMe and @Cactusflower both recommended Claire Weekes to you on the same thread


No consolation I know, but I sympathise as it's the same here in the

All of you Eagles and the Coach have been extremely helpful!

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I have been doing a lot of work with TMS, but a huge hurdle right now is living in the future and dealing with heavy anticipatory grief.

My husband has chronic health issues and is struggling quite a bit right now. I also have an aging senior guinea pig who is slowing down and an elderly 15 yr old dog. Both parents still at home but neither doing well. My brain constantly wants to scan the horizon, worry about the future and play out every "what-if" scenario before it even happens.

I've noticed that this constant worrying, triggers my physical pain flares ups. I try looking at the emotions behind it all and sometimes it becomes too overwhelming. They are all still here but I can see too many upcoming losses in my future. For those of you navigating TMS while caretaking or facing aging pets/loved ones: how do you stop your brain from living in the future? What tools do you use to pull yourself back to the present moment when the weight feels so heavy?

Thank you for any insight!

Hi Patty,

I'm just curious as to how much this has to do with guilt/shame? Because socially acceptable emotions don't tend to be repressed/suppressed, and as such usually grief itself doesn't cause symptoms (it can depending on a person's unique relationship with it).

You might be taking too much responsibility for things you can't control in the future (which might have an element of guilt) - it will be sad but it's perfectly ok for you to feel that way at the time. That might be why you're jumping forward, you're not terrified of the grief but rather you're terrified of the shame/guilt that may come at the same time (perhaps something like "what if I didn't do enough for my husband?"). Just a thought, but this would make more sense to me based on the TMS personality.