Caretaking, anticipatory grief and how to stop living in the future

[Patty Cakes]

It's actually a very common TMS situation - caretaking for someone who has wronged you or has brought up/triggered old wounds. The conflict in feelings and emotions often contributes to symptoms (and it often leads to feelings that we are ashamed of deep down). There's a story I remember from a book where a man (who was a doctor) had to care for his father whose failing health was due to obesity and alcoholism. His father had abused him physically as a child when drunk. His pain began shortly after he was made to take care of him.

Part of him deep down wanted revenge on his father physically, another part of him despised himself for wanting to help his father and win his approval. By allowing these conflicting feelings and understanding that they were just feelings, not necessarily things he needed to act upon...

"Eventually he was able to behave dutifully without feeling like a sellout. As his ability to tolerate his feelings increased, his pain gradually subsided" - "Psychophysiologic Disorders" (2019) - pg. 240.

It's all about allowing those conflicting feelings without guilt. The man above was able to do that above and that was his way out of the pain. I wouldn't be surprised if it were similar here - no feelings are off limits and they are all ok

Thank you for sharing this. That line about the 'hair shirt' (had to look it up--never heard that before) hits so close to home. I've had some pain for years, but over the last couple of years, as my husband's illness escalated, the pain got worse and shifted sides. Sometimes multiple times a day. Looking back, I realize my body was carrying emotions and exhaustion that I didn't even realize. All I knew is that I was in physical pain. Just reading this and understanding that I don't have to fear the feelings—that I can just tolerate them without guilt—brings so much relief. Thank you for putting it into words.

 

[Patty Cakes]

I've got another question. I"ve always had very vivid dreams. SInce doing this work and even prior, my dreams have much to do with something I journaled about or some truths I've uncovered. They usually involve people I've worked with, that I haven't seen in years. For instance, last night my dream was about two women I worked with for years. WE were all together but one was tormenting me, saying awful things about me. I told her to stop. The other woman said, oh just forget what she said and make up with her. I said, she hurt me and I'm not going to act like she didn't hurt me and I'm not talking to her. I can typically connect the dreams to something I journaled or thought about. Does this happen when u are doing this TMS work? Is it a good sign or not, that I'm processing all of this through my dreams? IT happens most every night.

 

[Cactusflower]

I've got another question. I"ve always had very vivid dreams. SInce doing this work and even prior, my dreams have much to do with something I journaled about or some truths I've uncovered. They usually involve people I've worked with, that I haven't seen in years. For instance, last night my dream was about two women I worked with for years. WE were all together but one was tormenting me, saying awful things about me. I told her to stop. The other woman said, oh just forget what she said and make up with her. I said, she hurt me and I'm not going to act like she didn't hurt me and I'm not talking to her. I can typically connect the dreams to something I journaled or thought about. Does this happen when u are doing this TMS work? Is it a good sign or not, that I'm processing all of this through my dreams? IT happens most every night.

That's the subconscious for ya!
We work things out in our dreams - I don't place too much importance on it all. I have dreams where I'm spoken too and been treated poorly my whole life. I used to be frightened of them. Now I realize that it's just my inner 2 year old that can come out in my sleep, but awake and conscious my adult self (and like you, even sometimes dreaming) takes over and rationally expresses my current desires. Love that you are practicing your boundaries in your sleep! I wouldn't judge weather it is "good" or "bad" or even a "sign", it just is. Things can be what they are without us chewing them over (and over and over, and then worrying about that, and then thinking more about that - the mind is a funny thing!

 

[Patty Cakes]

That's the subconscious for ya!
We work things out in our dreams - I don't place too much importance on it all. I have dreams where I'm spoken too and been treated poorly my whole life. I used to be frightened of them. Now I realize that it's just my inner 2 year old that can come out in my sleep, but awake and conscious my adult self (and like you, even sometimes dreaming) takes over and rationally expresses my current desires. Love that you are practicing your boundaries in your sleep! I wouldn't judge weather it is "good" or "bad" or even a "sign", it just is. Things can be what they are without us chewing them over (and over and over, and then worrying about that, and then thinking more about that - the mind is a funny thing!

Thanks! Blood Moon suggested a book called Rewire Your Mind Without Willpower. I never knew the mind was so powerful. The book has been so helpful.

 

[Patty Cakes]

Directing this post to Blood Moon and welcoming any thoughts from anyone who understands.

I’ve been reading your story, and it resonated so deeply with me that I felt like I needed to reach out. Like you, I know what it feels like to have a hyper-vigilant nervous system that traps you, and I understand the weight of caring for an aging loved one.

Right now, I am struggling so much with anticipatory dread. Sunday I have to go to a wake for a cousin. I wasn't close to him, but I want to pay my respects, and I’ve already set a hard boundary that I am only going to the wake for a short time—no mass, no burial, because I know my limits.

Even so, I am terrified. The truth is, I feel like I am currently surrounded by loss and mortality. My older guinea pig, Tot, is struggling right now. Jeff, my husband, has significant health issues and medical crises. And just yesterday, my elderly mother called to tell me she nearly choked to death on her soup.

It feels like death and loss are breathing down my neck from every single direction. When I think about walking into a funeral home on Sunday and seeing a casket or an urn, it feels like an avalanche of grief that I just don't know how to survive. I have spent my whole life anticipating events, worrying about them days or weeks beforehand, replaying conversations afterward, and living in fear. I am just so tired of being afraid.

I am trying your practice—catching the loop, breathing in, breathing out, and grounding myself—and it helps in the moment. But I wanted to ask: how do you deal with that overwhelming dread of an upcoming event when your nervous system feels like it's already maxed out? How do you stop your mind from fast-forwarding into absolute terror?

 

[BloodMoon]

One thing that might help when you actually get to the wake is to have something very simple that you can do without anyone noticing.

If you start to feel overwhelmed, rub the tip of your index finger gently in a circular motion against the tip of your thumb. Concentrate on the sensation of it. At the same time, when you're not having to talk with anyone, you could concentrate on your breathing. You don't need to try to change your breathing, just notice it. It gives you something physical and immediate to anchor your attention to.

Anchoring yourself like this can bring the fear down, and can help stop that horrible escalation where one fearful thought leads to another and another.

You could also keep a little 'touchstone' in your pocket to hold onto if you think you might find that helpful. A touchstone can be, say, a smooth stone, a piece of jewellery, a coin, or anything with a texture you find reassuring.

And you could try imagining a protective cage of golden light around yourself. Not something that shuts you away, just something that gives you a bit of space between you and everything that's going on. You can see what's happening, but you don't have to absorb all of it.

Before Sunday, when you notice yourself already imagining the wake and how awful it might feel, I'd try saying to yourself, “It's not happening now” and turn your attention to something else whilst lengthening a few of your out-breaths. Because it isn't happening now. You don't have to experience it in advance. You can also use your touchstone, or gently rub the tips of your index finger and thumb against each other.

You don't have to try to make yourself not feel frightened. I think that can actually add another layer of pressure. The anchoring is there to help bring the fear back down when it starts to rise.

And you've already given yourself permission to leave when you've had enough. That's important too.

Can you stand another book recommendation?!

It's called 101 Ways to Find Calm: How to Use Your Body to Soothe Your Mind by Rebekah Ballagh. Below is something from the book. You can do the full exercise while you're out of the house, but you can practise it at home first and remind yourself of it when you're out, if you find it helpful.

 

[Patty Cakes]

One thing that might help when you actually get to the wake is to have something very simple that you can do without anyone noticing.

If you start to feel overwhelmed, rub the tip of your index finger gently in a circular motion against the tip of your thumb. Concentrate on the sensation of it. At the same time, when you're not having to talk with anyone, you could concentrate on your breathing. You don't need to try to change your breathing, just notice it. It gives you something physical and immediate to anchor your attention to.

Anchoring yourself like this can bring the fear down, and can help stop that horrible escalation where one fearful thought leads to another and another.

You could also keep a little 'touchstone' in your pocket to hold onto if you think you might find that helpful. A touchstone can be, say, a smooth stone, a piece of jewellery, a coin, or anything with a texture you find reassuring.

And you could try imagining a protective cage of golden light around yourself. Not something that shuts you away, just something that gives you a bit of space between you and everything that's going on. You can see what's happening, but you don't have to absorb all of it.

Before Sunday, when you notice yourself already imagining the wake and how awful it might feel, I'd try saying to yourself, “It's not happening now” and turn your attention to something else whilst lengthening a few of your out-breaths. Because it isn't happening now. You don't have to experience it in advance. You can also use your touchstone, or gently rub the tips of your index finger and thumb against each other.

You don't have to try to make yourself not feel frightened. I think that can actually add another layer of pressure. The anchoring is there to help bring the fear back down when it starts to rise.

And you've already given yourself permission to leave when you've had enough. That's important too.

Can you stand another book recommendation?!

It's called 101 Ways to Find Calm: How to Use Your Body to Soothe Your Mind by Rebekah Ballagh. Below is something from the book. You can do the full exercise while you're out of the house, but you can practise it at home first and remind yourself of it when you're out, if you find it helpful.

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I very much appreciate all of your suggestions. That energy shield is brilliant, especially when dealing with my husband. I think I tend to absorb all his negative energy, especially when we're sitting in the same room. I will use your suggestions tomorrow. I'm so glad I could finally share my fears with someone who truly understands. I never felt I could share my thoughts,the way my mind operates, since I thought I was the only one that had a mind like mine. IT feels good to be able to say it, to someone like yourself. That knows what it feels like. Thank you so much.