Can sex be a factor?

[sdiddy]

I got divorced eight years ago, at 37 years old. I hadn’t been single for 17 years, so I sort of immediately jumped into the dating world. Over the next five or six years, I had a ton of fun. I dated three girls during that time: the first for one year, the second for one year, and the third for about 3 1/2 years. All of them were around their mid-20s, super attractive, and a lot of fun.

I had pretty constant and very fulfilling sex, three or more times a night on the nights that I was with them. The sex, intimacy, and companionship fulfilled a very deep, subconscious longing and desire that I’ve had since my childhood. I think I’ve always felt insecure and that I needed to be with an attractive woman and be having regular sex to feel like a man. I think that probably goes for most men, to be honest.

After I broke up with the last one (I broke up with all of them when I realized there wasn’t long-term potential), I decided to take a hiatus from dating, feeling like I was maybe too codependent. So I didn’t date or have sex for a year. I grew a lot during that time, and my codependency was basically squashed. I became a healthier person as a result—someone who wants a woman but no longer feels like I completely need one.

However, in the last year and a half or so, I’ve tried to dip my toe back into dating through the dating apps and other real-life places as well, and for some reason, it has not gone well. I think it’s in part because I’m now in my late 40s and not my late 30s. My standards are still incredibly high because, quite frankly, that’s what I’ve been used to. I also think the entire dating culture has changed dramatically, especially with Instagram and dating apps, and especially here in Los Angeles. It seems that nobody is really even looking for true love, romance, or long-term partnership until they maybe get into their 40s.

So I have barely had sex the last couple of years, and, to no surprise, I started having pretty severe hip pain right around the time my last girlfriend and I broke up. So that’s almost three years ago now. Other issues as well, like occasional alopecia, which I currently have in my beard, lack of sleep, high cholesterol, and other things.

I had an MRI done three years ago on my hips, and they did find a lot of physical issues: osteoarthritis in both hips, labrum tears in both hips, and bursitis in both hips. So clearly there are some physical issues there. But then there’s also been a lifelong issue with TMS. It used to be in my back; sometimes it’s been in my arm or shoulder. And I believe that at least a portion of what’s going on in my hips is TMS.

The hard part is, I don’t know how to distinguish what portion of it could be TMS and what portion of it is real. And so I’m kind of living every day in pain and fear and anxiety. I don’t want to have surgery. I don’t even know if that’s the cure. I’ve done weekly psychotherapy for 10 years.

But I have a theory. My theory is that not being with a woman and not having regular sex is causing me more subconscious pain, anxiety, and depression than I even realize. I have a theory that I have placed so much importance on the touch of a woman, female energy, and intimacy in a deep part of my psyche that, when I do not have that, I feel inadequate, unattractive, and unmanly, and it’s causing me to hold on to pain.

I have no idea if this theory is valid. And on top of that, even trying to prove the theory has become more difficult than ever. I’ve been on first dates that went really well and never ended up with a second date. I don’t know what is going on or what has shifted, but it’s becoming harder and harder for some reason and quite frankly yes I admit I do have high standards. Has anyone else experienced anything like it at all? Or is it all just coincidence, and my hips have just reached their breaking point from all the sex?

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

But I have a theory. My theory is that not being with a woman and not having regular sex is causing me more subconscious pain, anxiety, and depression than I even realize. I have a theory that I have placed so much importance on the touch of a woman, female energy, and intimacy in a deep part of my psyche that, when I do not have that, I feel inadequate, unattractive, and unmanly, and it’s causing me to hold on to pain.

It makes sense and I would say that no one else is qualified to tell you whether or not that's valid because you're the only one in your head and you're the only one having your experience - if it's valid to you then it's valid

Or is it all just coincidence, and my hips have just reached their breaking point from all the sex?

I think the emotional and psychological explanation makes a lot more sense - I'm not saying that definitely means this is TMS and there's not a physical element (I couldn't tell you that), but I'd be surprised if at least a portion of this wasn't TMS based on what you've shared. Emotional pain lights up the same regions of the brain as physical pain (and often causes physical pain).

 

[BloodMoon]

I’ve been on first dates that went really well and never ended up with a second date.

I’m sure you don’t look like the back of a bus — to use the British expression — just because you’re a bit older. But perhaps the uncomfortable reality is that the women you’re most attracted to may now be looking for an Adonis, and you’re experiencing the other side of the equation.

I don't mean that as criticism or karmic punishment. Dating is reciprocal: the people we find most desirable also get to decide whether they find us desirable. You may simply be discovering that the dating market at 47 isn't the same as it was at 37.

And I wonder whether that's actually where some of the deeper TMS material lies.

From your own description, being with an attractive woman and having regular sex wasn't just about sex. It seems to have been closely tied to feeling masculine, attractive, wanted and secure. So perhaps what's painful isn't simply the lack of sex. It may be what that lack represents: “Am I still attractive? Am I still desirable? Am I getting old? Have I lost something that made me feel like a man?”

There's another thing that struck me in what you wrote: you say quite a lot about the sex, the attractiveness of these women and how being with them made you feel, but almost nothing about missing them as people. You don't really talk about missing their company, their personalities, doing things together, laughing together, travelling, sharing a life, or the particular qualities of any of these women that you loved. That may be worth examining too. It makes me wonder whether what you're grieving is primarily the loss of the women themselves, or the loss of what being with an attractive, sexually available woman did for your sense of yourself.

That could potentially have something to do with the hips too. You mentioned wondering whether you simply “wore them out” from having sex three or more times a night for years. I wouldn't assume that, and your MRI findings certainly deserve to be taken seriously. But physical activity doesn't automatically explain chronic pain, and structural findings don't necessarily tell you how much pain someone should experience.

From a TMS perspective, the more interesting possibility is that the hips have become the place where a whole mixture of emotions—loneliness, grief, anger, rejection, fear of aging, insecurity and anxiety—gets expressed. Your nervous system may not literally be saying “you need a woman”; it may be responding to the fact that the way you've traditionally regulated your sense of self-worth isn't working anymore.

I also wouldn't try to prove the theory by finding another woman. If sex becomes the “cure”, you're still giving female attention the job of regulating your sense of safety and self-worth.

Instead, I'd explore some uncomfortable questions: What does it mean to you when an attractive woman doesn't choose you? How much of your masculinity has historically depended on being sexually desired? What are you grieving about getting older? And what would happen if you could genuinely accept: “Yes, I'm older, some women I find incredibly attractive aren't going to want me, and that hurts—but it doesn't mean I'm inadequate or less of a man”?

You don't necessarily need to lower your standards. But you may need to recalibrate them to the reality of who you are now, rather than unconsciously trying to recreate the dating experience you had ten years ago.

Perhaps the ultimate TMS lesson isn't “stop wanting women.” It's stop requiring a woman's desire to prove that you're okay.

You can want love, sex and intimacy enormously—and still be fundamentally secure without them. I wonder if that is ultimately what you need to work on.

 

[sdiddy]

I’m sure you don’t look like the back of a bus — to use the British expression — just because you’re a bit older. But perhaps the uncomfortable reality is that the women you’re most attracted to may now be looking for an Adonis, and you’re experiencing the other side of the equation.

I don't mean that as criticism or karmic punishment. Dating is reciprocal: the people we find most desirable also get to decide whether they find us desirable. You may simply be discovering that the dating market at 47 isn't the same as it was at 37.

And I wonder whether that's actually where some of the deeper TMS material lies.

From your own description, being with an attractive woman and having regular sex wasn't just about sex. It seems to have been closely tied to feeling masculine, attractive, wanted and secure. So perhaps what's painful isn't simply the lack of sex. It may be what that lack represents: “Am I still attractive? Am I still desirable? Am I getting old? Have I lost something that made me feel like a man?”

There's another thing that struck me in what you wrote: you say quite a lot about the sex, the attractiveness of these women and how being with them made you feel, but almost nothing about missing them as people. You don't really talk about missing their company, their personalities, doing things together, laughing together, travelling, sharing a life, or the particular qualities of any of these women that you loved. That may be worth examining too. It makes me wonder whether what you're grieving is primarily the loss of the women themselves, or the loss of what being with an attractive, sexually available woman did for your sense of yourself.

That could potentially have something to do with the hips too. You mentioned wondering whether you simply “wore them out” from having sex three or more times a night for years. I wouldn't assume that, and your MRI findings certainly deserve to be taken seriously. But physical activity doesn't automatically explain chronic pain, and structural findings don't necessarily tell you how much pain someone should experience.

From a TMS perspective, the more interesting possibility is that the hips have become the place where a whole mixture of emotions—loneliness, grief, anger, rejection, fear of aging, insecurity and anxiety—gets expressed. Your nervous system may not literally be saying “you need a woman”; it may be responding to the fact that the way you've traditionally regulated your sense of self-worth isn't working anymore.

I also wouldn't try to prove the theory by finding another woman. If sex becomes the “cure”, you're still giving female attention the job of regulating your sense of safety and self-worth.

Instead, I'd explore some uncomfortable questions: What does it mean to you when an attractive woman doesn't choose you? How much of your masculinity has historically depended on being sexually desired? What are you grieving about getting older? And what would happen if you could genuinely accept: “Yes, I'm older, some women I find incredibly attractive aren't going to want me, and that hurts—but it doesn't mean I'm inadequate or less of a man”?

You don't necessarily need to lower your standards. But you may need to recalibrate them to the reality of who you are now, rather than unconsciously trying to recreate the dating experience you had ten years ago.

Perhaps the ultimate TMS lesson isn't “stop wanting women.” It's stop requiring a woman's desire to prove that you're okay.

You can want love, sex and intimacy enormously—and still be fundamentally secure without them. I wonder if that is ultimately what you need to work on.

thank you this was very insightful and helpful - I thin there is truth to some of what you said. About not having sex also makes me feel undesirable, less masculine, unwanted, unchosen, etc. But to be clear yes I miss all the other stuff too...shared experiences, late night talks about anything, closeness, cuddling, another beating heart in my apartment, someone to text silly things throughout the day, all that. My daughter has now become some of that in a way, we have a wonderful relationship. But its not the same as a woman and intimacy and all that.

Its bizarre to me but I went from doing REALLY well with dating with literally suddenly I cant even seem to get a date anymore. Granted, my standards are super high and expectations never changed as I aged because I feel and act and think young still. But suddenly things arent clicking. I am lonely. I do feel unloved other than from friends or my daughter. I feel rejected. And Im confused because Im a really good catch. Im kind and fun and funny and loyal and passionate and intelligent, extremely high EQ and more. I write comedy movies and childrens books and have a pretty wonderful life. But no one to share it with.

This might sound wierd but I think I dated so much and had so much experience that suddenly all I see is the red flags. All I say in modern dating culture is this weird new wave of transactional dating (especially in LA). I just cant be a part of that. So Im left watching from the sidelines. And every now and then I will get a date with a cute girl that Im actually excited about and it will go amazing, kissing at the end all that, and perplexingly I havent gotten second dates recently. 5 years ago I got a second date on every first I went on. I dont understand what happened??? I know the modern dating disposable culture is a factor but its hard to not also feel like I lost my "juice". The amount of times Ive been ghosted would floor you. Women on dating apps can be really cruel. I try to be kind to every single one, always respond, just be a good person. And I keep taking hits from them and feel worse and worse about myself.

And the next thing people say is "hey have you tried to hit on girls in person and not use the apps?". YES. Constantly. And it also usually ends up me being ghosted. For example there was a music event last friday. me and my friends went and it was a blast. I hit on 7 girls. 3 were pretty rude/standoffish. 2 gave me their phone numbers. One gave me their IG. Only one responded and she lives too far. Imagine that? We live in a world where 3 numbers doesnt even guarantee one date.

Anyways im rambling

 

[Cactusflower]

I think you should keep considering your emotions around these topics, but I also think you should take not being taken up on "hitting on" girls too personally. All of the women may have had their own reasons for not responding, reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you personally. It's not always about you, and that's a real lesson many of us have to learn about our thought processes. Thoughts are just thoughts and blaming yourself for others not responding to your needs is, in essence, being really hard on yourself. Perhaps practicing self love and giving yourself some compassion is more beneficial to where you are at right now instead of dwelling on fears.

 

[BloodMoon]

My advice would be to stop thinking about every potentially eligible woman you meet as a potential date and start thinking about people as people again.

Get to know them. Become friends with some. Meet their friends. Go to things regularly where you share an interest—rock climbing, a book club, whatever you might genuinely enjoy for its own sake. Have conversations with people that don’t have an agenda attached to them. Let people see who you are over time, and let yourself see who they are before deciding whether there’s romantic potential.

Make the goal “build a life in which I regularly meet and get to know interesting women” rather than “hit on them” to “get more dates”.

Call me old fashioned, but I think there’s also something to be said for holding back a little and letting attraction and intimacy build naturally.

 

[Bonnard]

I had pretty constant and very fulfilling sex, three or more times a night on the nights that I was with them. The sex, intimacy, and companionship fulfilled a very deep, subconscious longing and desire that I’ve had since my childhood. I think I’ve always felt insecure and that I needed to be with an attractive woman and be having regular sex to feel like a man. I think that probably goes for most men, to be honest.

Respectfully--be careful about staying at a superficial level. With TMS it does us no good to stay with generalities and top-level stuff. If you've always felt insecure, what's really going on there? And, break down the word "insecure" much further for yourself. Not for posts to us, but for yourself in your own TMS work.

Gotta get under that, to the difficult stuff, the drivers, the stuff that maybe ain't so pretty or doesn't make logical sense, but it comes out of our gut or your deep fears or rages, etc. Anytime we say, "I think that goes for most...." we're giving ourselves an out. That's ok for reflecting on casual stuff (not everything has to be catastrophically important), but to get down to the work, that doesn't help us one bit.

The hard part is, I don’t know how to distinguish what portion of it could be TMS and what portion of it is real. And so I’m kind of living every day in pain and fear and anxiety.

This is a place to start from.
And, I ran across this earlier post where this list could be developed and deepened a year or so later:

Day 6 Thread 'My fears....'

May 14, 2025

Briefly take a few minutes and write down some of your fears. Why are you afraid of these things? (Use your own journal or print this page).

Im scared of being alone. I was married, have even dated a lot since my divorce, but something changed the last couple years after I broke up with most recent ex gf. she was the first woman since my marriage I have ever felt love for. I could see us building a life together. she treated me well and was kind. but we broke up because I simply wasnt ready at that time and when I was ready she was taken. I felt a lot of regret. I felt like I missed my...

• sdiddy
• Replies: 3
• Forum: Structured Educational Program

I’ve done weekly psychotherapy for 10 years.

What's happening here--growth/discoveries/maybe a place to investigate all of this? Does this need to be re-vamped somehow after that many years?

Wishing you well!!