sdiddy
Peer Supporter
I got divorced eight years ago, at 37 years old. I hadn’t been single for 17 years, so I sort of immediately jumped into the dating world. Over the next five or six years, I had a ton of fun. I dated three girls during that time: the first for one year, the second for one year, and the third for about 3 1/2 years. All of them were around their mid-20s, super attractive, and a lot of fun.
I had pretty constant and very fulfilling sex, three or more times a night on the nights that I was with them. The sex, intimacy, and companionship fulfilled a very deep, subconscious longing and desire that I’ve had since my childhood. I think I’ve always felt insecure and that I needed to be with an attractive woman and be having regular sex to feel like a man. I think that probably goes for most men, to be honest.
After I broke up with the last one (I broke up with all of them when I realized there wasn’t long-term potential), I decided to take a hiatus from dating, feeling like I was maybe too codependent. So I didn’t date or have sex for a year. I grew a lot during that time, and my codependency was basically squashed. I became a healthier person as a result—someone who wants a woman but no longer feels like I completely need one.
However, in the last year and a half or so, I’ve tried to dip my toe back into dating through the dating apps and other real-life places as well, and for some reason, it has not gone well. I think it’s in part because I’m now in my late 40s and not my late 30s. My standards are still incredibly high because, quite frankly, that’s what I’ve been used to. I also think the entire dating culture has changed dramatically, especially with Instagram and dating apps, and especially here in Los Angeles. It seems that nobody is really even looking for true love, romance, or long-term partnership until they maybe get into their 40s.
So I have barely had sex the last couple of years, and, to no surprise, I started having pretty severe hip pain right around the time my last girlfriend and I broke up. So that’s almost three years ago now. Other issues as well, like occasional alopecia, which I currently have in my beard, lack of sleep, high cholesterol, and other things.
I had an MRI done three years ago on my hips, and they did find a lot of physical issues: osteoarthritis in both hips, labrum tears in both hips, and bursitis in both hips. So clearly there are some physical issues there. But then there’s also been a lifelong issue with TMS. It used to be in my back; sometimes it’s been in my arm or shoulder. And I believe that at least a portion of what’s going on in my hips is TMS.
The hard part is, I don’t know how to distinguish what portion of it could be TMS and what portion of it is real. And so I’m kind of living every day in pain and fear and anxiety. I don’t want to have surgery. I don’t even know if that’s the cure. I’ve done weekly psychotherapy for 10 years.
But I have a theory. My theory is that not being with a woman and not having regular sex is causing me more subconscious pain, anxiety, and depression than I even realize. I have a theory that I have placed so much importance on the touch of a woman, female energy, and intimacy in a deep part of my psyche that, when I do not have that, I feel inadequate, unattractive, and unmanly, and it’s causing me to hold on to pain.
I have no idea if this theory is valid. And on top of that, even trying to prove the theory has become more difficult than ever. I’ve been on first dates that went really well and never ended up with a second date. I don’t know what is going on or what has shifted, but it’s becoming harder and harder for some reason and quite frankly yes I admit I do have high standards. Has anyone else experienced anything like it at all? Or is it all just coincidence, and my hips have just reached their breaking point from all the sex?
I had pretty constant and very fulfilling sex, three or more times a night on the nights that I was with them. The sex, intimacy, and companionship fulfilled a very deep, subconscious longing and desire that I’ve had since my childhood. I think I’ve always felt insecure and that I needed to be with an attractive woman and be having regular sex to feel like a man. I think that probably goes for most men, to be honest.
After I broke up with the last one (I broke up with all of them when I realized there wasn’t long-term potential), I decided to take a hiatus from dating, feeling like I was maybe too codependent. So I didn’t date or have sex for a year. I grew a lot during that time, and my codependency was basically squashed. I became a healthier person as a result—someone who wants a woman but no longer feels like I completely need one.
However, in the last year and a half or so, I’ve tried to dip my toe back into dating through the dating apps and other real-life places as well, and for some reason, it has not gone well. I think it’s in part because I’m now in my late 40s and not my late 30s. My standards are still incredibly high because, quite frankly, that’s what I’ve been used to. I also think the entire dating culture has changed dramatically, especially with Instagram and dating apps, and especially here in Los Angeles. It seems that nobody is really even looking for true love, romance, or long-term partnership until they maybe get into their 40s.
So I have barely had sex the last couple of years, and, to no surprise, I started having pretty severe hip pain right around the time my last girlfriend and I broke up. So that’s almost three years ago now. Other issues as well, like occasional alopecia, which I currently have in my beard, lack of sleep, high cholesterol, and other things.
I had an MRI done three years ago on my hips, and they did find a lot of physical issues: osteoarthritis in both hips, labrum tears in both hips, and bursitis in both hips. So clearly there are some physical issues there. But then there’s also been a lifelong issue with TMS. It used to be in my back; sometimes it’s been in my arm or shoulder. And I believe that at least a portion of what’s going on in my hips is TMS.
The hard part is, I don’t know how to distinguish what portion of it could be TMS and what portion of it is real. And so I’m kind of living every day in pain and fear and anxiety. I don’t want to have surgery. I don’t even know if that’s the cure. I’ve done weekly psychotherapy for 10 years.
But I have a theory. My theory is that not being with a woman and not having regular sex is causing me more subconscious pain, anxiety, and depression than I even realize. I have a theory that I have placed so much importance on the touch of a woman, female energy, and intimacy in a deep part of my psyche that, when I do not have that, I feel inadequate, unattractive, and unmanly, and it’s causing me to hold on to pain.
I have no idea if this theory is valid. And on top of that, even trying to prove the theory has become more difficult than ever. I’ve been on first dates that went really well and never ended up with a second date. I don’t know what is going on or what has shifted, but it’s becoming harder and harder for some reason and quite frankly yes I admit I do have high standards. Has anyone else experienced anything like it at all? Or is it all just coincidence, and my hips have just reached their breaking point from all the sex?
