Can sex be a factor?

[sdiddy]

I got divorced eight years ago, at 37 years old. I hadn’t been single for 17 years, so I sort of immediately jumped into the dating world. Over the next five or six years, I had a ton of fun. I dated three girls during that time: the first for one year, the second for one year, and the third for about 3 1/2 years. All of them were around their mid-20s, super attractive, and a lot of fun.

I had pretty constant and very fulfilling sex, three or more times a night on the nights that I was with them. The sex, intimacy, and companionship fulfilled a very deep, subconscious longing and desire that I’ve had since my childhood. I think I’ve always felt insecure and that I needed to be with an attractive woman and be having regular sex to feel like a man. I think that probably goes for most men, to be honest.

After I broke up with the last one (I broke up with all of them when I realized there wasn’t long-term potential), I decided to take a hiatus from dating, feeling like I was maybe too codependent. So I didn’t date or have sex for a year. I grew a lot during that time, and my codependency was basically squashed. I became a healthier person as a result—someone who wants a woman but no longer feels like I completely need one.

However, in the last year and a half or so, I’ve tried to dip my toe back into dating through the dating apps and other real-life places as well, and for some reason, it has not gone well. I think it’s in part because I’m now in my late 40s and not my late 30s. My standards are still incredibly high because, quite frankly, that’s what I’ve been used to. I also think the entire dating culture has changed dramatically, especially with Instagram and dating apps, and especially here in Los Angeles. It seems that nobody is really even looking for true love, romance, or long-term partnership until they maybe get into their 40s.

So I have barely had sex the last couple of years, and, to no surprise, I started having pretty severe hip pain right around the time my last girlfriend and I broke up. So that’s almost three years ago now. Other issues as well, like occasional alopecia, which I currently have in my beard, lack of sleep, high cholesterol, and other things.

I had an MRI done three years ago on my hips, and they did find a lot of physical issues: osteoarthritis in both hips, labrum tears in both hips, and bursitis in both hips. So clearly there are some physical issues there. But then there’s also been a lifelong issue with TMS. It used to be in my back; sometimes it’s been in my arm or shoulder. And I believe that at least a portion of what’s going on in my hips is TMS.

The hard part is, I don’t know how to distinguish what portion of it could be TMS and what portion of it is real. And so I’m kind of living every day in pain and fear and anxiety. I don’t want to have surgery. I don’t even know if that’s the cure. I’ve done weekly psychotherapy for 10 years.

But I have a theory. My theory is that not being with a woman and not having regular sex is causing me more subconscious pain, anxiety, and depression than I even realize. I have a theory that I have placed so much importance on the touch of a woman, female energy, and intimacy in a deep part of my psyche that, when I do not have that, I feel inadequate, unattractive, and unmanly, and it’s causing me to hold on to pain.

I have no idea if this theory is valid. And on top of that, even trying to prove the theory has become more difficult than ever. I’ve been on first dates that went really well and never ended up with a second date. I don’t know what is going on or what has shifted, but it’s becoming harder and harder for some reason and quite frankly yes I admit I do have high standards. Has anyone else experienced anything like it at all? Or is it all just coincidence, and my hips have just reached their breaking point from all the sex?

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

But I have a theory. My theory is that not being with a woman and not having regular sex is causing me more subconscious pain, anxiety, and depression than I even realize. I have a theory that I have placed so much importance on the touch of a woman, female energy, and intimacy in a deep part of my psyche that, when I do not have that, I feel inadequate, unattractive, and unmanly, and it’s causing me to hold on to pain.

It makes sense and I would say that no one else is qualified to tell you whether or not that's valid because you're the only one in your head and you're the only one having your experience - if it's valid to you then it's valid

Or is it all just coincidence, and my hips have just reached their breaking point from all the sex?

I think the emotional and psychological explanation makes a lot more sense - I'm not saying that definitely means this is TMS and there's not a physical element (I couldn't tell you that), but I'd be surprised if at least a portion of this wasn't TMS based on what you've shared. Emotional pain lights up the same regions of the brain as physical pain (and often causes physical pain).

 

[BloodMoon]

I’ve been on first dates that went really well and never ended up with a second date.

I’m sure you don’t look like the back of a bus — to use the British expression — just because you’re a bit older. But perhaps the uncomfortable reality is that the women you’re most attracted to may now be looking for an Adonis, and you’re experiencing the other side of the equation.

I don't mean that as criticism or karmic punishment. Dating is reciprocal: the people we find most desirable also get to decide whether they find us desirable. You may simply be discovering that the dating market at 47 isn't the same as it was at 37.

And I wonder whether that's actually where some of the deeper TMS material lies.

From your own description, being with an attractive woman and having regular sex wasn't just about sex. It seems to have been closely tied to feeling masculine, attractive, wanted and secure. So perhaps what's painful isn't simply the lack of sex. It may be what that lack represents: “Am I still attractive? Am I still desirable? Am I getting old? Have I lost something that made me feel like a man?”

There's another thing that struck me in what you wrote: you say quite a lot about the sex, the attractiveness of these women and how being with them made you feel, but almost nothing about missing them as people. You don't really talk about missing their company, their personalities, doing things together, laughing together, travelling, sharing a life, or the particular qualities of any of these women that you loved. That may be worth examining too. It makes me wonder whether what you're grieving is primarily the loss of the women themselves, or the loss of what being with an attractive, sexually available woman did for your sense of yourself.

That could potentially have something to do with the hips too. You mentioned wondering whether you simply “wore them out” from having sex three or more times a night for years. I wouldn't assume that, and your MRI findings certainly deserve to be taken seriously. But physical activity doesn't automatically explain chronic pain, and structural findings don't necessarily tell you how much pain someone should experience.

From a TMS perspective, the more interesting possibility is that the hips have become the place where a whole mixture of emotions—loneliness, grief, anger, rejection, fear of aging, insecurity and anxiety—gets expressed. Your nervous system may not literally be saying “you need a woman”; it may be responding to the fact that the way you've traditionally regulated your sense of self-worth isn't working anymore.

I also wouldn't try to prove the theory by finding another woman. If sex becomes the “cure”, you're still giving female attention the job of regulating your sense of safety and self-worth.

Instead, I'd explore some uncomfortable questions: What does it mean to you when an attractive woman doesn't choose you? How much of your masculinity has historically depended on being sexually desired? What are you grieving about getting older? And what would happen if you could genuinely accept: “Yes, I'm older, some women I find incredibly attractive aren't going to want me, and that hurts—but it doesn't mean I'm inadequate or less of a man”?

You don't necessarily need to lower your standards. But you may need to recalibrate them to the reality of who you are now, rather than unconsciously trying to recreate the dating experience you had ten years ago.

Perhaps the ultimate TMS lesson isn't “stop wanting women.” It's stop requiring a woman's desire to prove that you're okay.

You can want love, sex and intimacy enormously—and still be fundamentally secure without them. I wonder if that is ultimately what you need to work on.