Hey guys! I haven't been around much lately... preparing for huge life changes. But I was listening to an Alan Watts lecture this morning that sparked a free-write journaling session. What sparked it was when he spoke about how a person might flatter themselves as being dutiful. In an instant I asked myself why it flatters me (serves me) to feel helpless and let others make decisions for me (or at least I believe they do...) I realized that in letting (blaming?) others make decisions for me I am alleviating the anxiety that having to make a decision causes. Why am I so afraid of making a decision? Because I could be wrong. And being wrong means a threat to my existence. I feel unworthy of my existence because my brother died. I almost died like he did and so now I feel the need to prove myself continuously. If I am questioned, or challenged or made to be wrong I feel threatened; I feel as if my very existence is being questioned. So I react out of anger and fear and snap at people, and am rude, etc... This pattern was perpetuated by my marriage, I was always having to defend myself, always having to argue my worth. Alan Gordon's session with me revealed my need for external validation and that has been on my mind since we spoke. I realized that my need for external validation stems from my needing others to validate my worthiness to exist, because I could not. It is also perpetuated at work. I am constantly being pulled aside and asked to explain my methods, challenged and questioned so everyday I am at work I'm striving to prove myself. And this all comes down to the feeling that I don't deserve to exist. It seems to be at the root of a lot of my maladaptive behaviors. TMS wise, being tired makes it so I can't accomplish everything I want (need) to accomplish, which proves my unworthiness. So in effect, being tired = unworthiness. So I prove to myself everyday that I don't deserve to exist. I subconsciously reproduce the circumstances that perpetuate my patterns of unworthiness to prove it, so I can fight against it. So now the question is, how do I stop reproducing these patterns and let my worthiness sink in?