BOUNDARIES

[donavanf]

I have realized through a lot of soul searching, that lack of boundaries with family, friends, etc has been a major theme in my life. I'm curious about what people have to say about this in relation to TMS. Especially those of us who are "goodists" with a massive rage reservoir, and a hard time self-soothing.

 

[balto]

I think it has lot to do with your perception about your relationship with others around you than boundaries. We are more distance and isolated than all generations before us and yet we have more mind body issues than the older generations. In the West, in the old day houses are much smaller, family are bigger and they all stay together under one roof for much longer than we do now. In many other less wealthy countries it is the norm for family of 10, 15, 20 people to live together in a 3 rooms house. In many cases people don't even know what "privacy" mean. They never have it, they never feel it, and yet the rate of mental health issue is much higher in the West than other countries.
I sometimes think distance and isolation that lead to loneliness is one of the contributing cause of tms. We are herd animals, we need others. Even the Buddha and Jesus always have people around them.

 

[TG957]

Donovan and balto, you both are on to something very important.

To add to the problem, many young people are much more comfortable with virtual "friends" they made online than with those who they actually see in flesh. We live in our heads, not in our bodies. No wonder we are challenged by our emotional lives, in-person communications and struggle with boundaries. Surge of TMS is a product of our increasingly individualistic society and deterioration of tribal and familial relationships.

 

[mike2014]

Some wonderful insights made by all.

I agree with Baltos point regarding our perceptions of relationships.

Unfortunately, with our society becoming fast paced, we spend less time in our heart and more time in our mind, but not in a way which is healthy. The ever increasing rivalry between family, friends etc also adds to the mix where we feel the constant need to be better or improve. As a result, our emotional perspective shifts further away from seeing relationships in a healthy light, to one where we feel we will only be accepted by being / acting in a certain way, or a way in which we feel others would like to see us.

As we neglect our emotional well being and disconnect from a true reality, we build a false one. Where, I know from personal experience, I've felt the victim.

That said, I think it's important that we learn to shift our perceptions of self and our relationships to a more organic place. One where we can learn to instinctively follow our heart, from a safe, compassionate and non judgemental place, and a place where we don't listen to the inner critic and feel that we've been done wrong by.

I believe enforcing boundaries can be very limiting and unhealthy to ones character building. We stand the risk of building a shell and cutting ourselves off from others and not living a comfortable or happy life.

I think it's more important to promote self acceptance and the acceptance of others, whereby we can cultivate and nurture relationships in a safe and healthy manner.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi All!

I will take a different stance and say that yes, boundaries are important to good mental health, and also relate a lot to TMS personality types/issues. And I see this in some of the quote below:

hat said, I think it's important that we learn to shift our perceptions of self and our relationships to a more organic place. One where we can learn to instinctively follow our heart, from a safe, compassionate and non judgemental place, and a place where we don't listen to the inner critic and feel that we've been done wrong by.

I think the boundaries that need to be strengthened relate to how we give ourselves up for each other in ways that we are really not all on-board with. Part of us is saying "I'll do this for my mother because I love her and I should, and she needs it, and I want to be a loving person." Another part is saying "I'm not going to help because I am losing what I feel I actually need in this situation." Here there is not a healthy boundary, just conflict.

How can I help from my heart, if I am conflict? How can I be loving, when I am divided between being a nice guy and seething with rage, because Mom is "doing this to me?" Better boundaries recognize what I need in the situation. The superego/Inner Critic get involved because to become actually clear about "what I need" threatens the self-image of being nice (a Goodist).

Stronger inner boundaries support clear outer boundaries. If I am on the ropes with my Inner Critic, lost in conflict between Inner Child and Inner Parent, I do not, in that moment have clear inner boundaries. For me, finding an organic, safe place inside comes from seeing clearly how my inner parts are in conflict and not buying into it. I do not get lost in the inner relationships, which means there is a boundary between me and the familiar neurosis.

Perfectionism can seen the same way as Goodism: I get caught trying to "stay safe" by believing the perfectionistic dream. "If I only do it this way, I will be loved, I will be safe." In this place, I am lost in a dream, without boundaries. How do I know what actually needs to be done? Both the Goodist and Perfectionist are looking for safety and love. They give up "themselves" in order to chase a childhood imprint of the loving field of their caregiver.

We keep looking outside ourselves, which means we don't have "good boundaries." Ultimately the place of safety and love we project on others is not achieved, which is enraging, scary, sad, and hurtful, all the more because we've not stayed true to ourselves. What can I do but blame myself or blame others?

I don't think you have to "fix" all your boundary issues in order to use Dr. Sarno's method quite successfully. We just have to see the truth, and link it with Dr. Sarno's understanding. The more we understand, the more the boundaries will be there when we need them, over time. The boundaries piece is up for you Donavan, so it seems there is some good fruit for your contemplation/education re Sarno's theory as it applies to you.

Andy B

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

A very interesting exchange of thoughts on boundaries. I got bored with the almost weekly "command performances" at family reunions because everyone was so boring and mainly watched sports on television. I slowly began showing up for fewer of them and it made the visits more pleasant.

I would try not to over-do time spent in email or Facebook or other technological friendships.

 

[donavanf]

Wonderful points all around. Balto, while I agree with the sentiment of your thoughts, and I concur that isolation is not a good thing at all times, I would say that carving out time for oneself is vital, especially to introverts like myself. I don't gain energy from being around people, especially large crowds. Some find this surprising as my work as a photographer (and my former work as an actor) forces me to be around crowds of strangers at times. I do enjoy socializing, but as I get a bit older, I prefer it in smaller doses. It is not uncommon for me to have to photograph an event or wedding, but I've learned that I must take a few days off after doing things like this, to recover in quiet silence. I have also realized that I much prefer shooting one on one, or documenting smaller, more intimate events, where there is less pressure. The last wedding I shot had less that 30 guests and it was really lovely and joyous, and I felt ok after, with much less TMS than I normally feel at a "big wedding". Also, Buddha and Jesus both spoke of the vital importance of quiet time, going deep within, and both of these teachers taught boundaries in their own unique and yet quite similar, ways. Yes, they had people around, but they both knew when to go into isolation for prayer and meditation, and often did. I love this forum, because we can all speak safely, and be ourselves, just as we are. No one way is the right one, we must follow our own inner knowing.

 

[Ellen]

To me boundary problems arise when we are unable to distinguish our own issues/problems from those of others. For example, when we feel responsible for someone else's anger and negativity, though in reality we had nothing to do with it, and now feel that it is our job to "fix" how they feel. The spiritual writer and teacher, Byron Katie, talks about the importance of distinguishing "my stuff, your stuff, and God's stuff (meaning those things we have no control over)". In my opinion, maintaining these clear boundaries in our mind leads to an improvement in the quality and authenticity of our relationships.