First to answer Jason's question: Yes Jason, my breakdown was cathartic...not initially...initially it was terrifying. The panic attacks were crippling and I was so drugged up on xanax I wasn't functioning. My husband, therapist and I all agreed that a voluntary check in into the Psychiatric Ward was my fastest route to seeing a psychiatrist (I didn't have one at the time and it is usually a 5-6 week wait to see one on the outside). I needed medication to help stabilize me. I checked in on a Saturday and saw a psychiatrist on a Sunday...that got me on the right track....but mostly my 4 days in the psych ward gave me to permission to totally check out from my life as it was my life (parenting responsibilities, marriage responsibilities, friendship/family responsibilities, work responsibilities) that brought me to this point in the first place. I wasn't allowed my cell phone, heck I wasn't even allowed shoe laces or dental floss...I literally had to hand over complete control of my life to doctors, nurses, techs and therapists...and it was exactly what I needed. The minute I stepped foot on that ward the panic stopped. When you are there you are with all walks of life...those who just tried to commit suicide, schizophrenics, manic-depressives, multiple personalities...it was eye opening...everyone was suffering on some level...the intensity of human pain and anguish was very raw and real. But I believe it is what the Universe wanted me to see and experience, because aside from letting go of all my control issues, I also learned to have deep gratitude for the life and all the support I had in the outside world...it was like I was truly experiencing gratitude for the first time in my life...for me it was a transformational, spiritual experience. I felt the presence of a higher power and recognizing something bigger than myself...call it God, call it the Universe, call it your higher self, call it whatever you want...is what pulled me out of my head and into my heart and I felt my feelings like I have never felt them before. I felt so alive...sometimes now I miss it..that thing I felt there on that ward. As crazy as that sounds...so yes, it was cathartic but I didn't go into it willingly. My ego went kicking and screaming until I had no choice. It is called surrender. I wanted to surrender, for years I did...I just didn't know how. I had to really suffer to break through to the other side. My conscious self wanted to let go, but my ego resisted for 43 years.
Jobyrd: I am so sorry you are suffering. Though my stomach issues only went on for months, not years, I can say that my pain and discomfort was very real and I believe with ZERO doubt that chronic stomach ailments (especially if you have ruled out serious medical diseases and issues) are just another form of TMS. When I read your comment what stood out to me is this sentence, "Ive got 4 kids and I know i'm stressed...but who wouldn't be stressed feeling stomach fullness/discomfort all day everyday for 4 years." Remember TMS is NOT the stress/emotions you are aware of...it is always the deeper stuff we have buried. My stuff that I didn't want to look at, and sometimes still struggle with is despite the fact that I have a great family, amazing friends, a beautiful/loving husband and healthy child, there are times I absolutely HATE my life and all the pressure it puts on me. This is stuff that goes all the way back to my childhood and my parents divorce. You need to dig deeper my friend...this requires a daily practice of meditation or prayer or silence or time alone. You need to quiet your mind (it takes time...weeks, months, years) and allow that which your Ego fears to rise to the surface. I would guess that deep down you (your unconscious self) hates your life, resents your children, your partner etc. etc. We are so afraid of what these irrational, immature, selfish feelings mean...we see them through the lens of our Ego....but these feelings come from our ID...that child that resides in all of us that we so rarely allow to express itself. When I finally allowed my ID to speak and to speak loud without fear of judgement only then was I able to move passed my debilitating panic and stomach pain.
Keep in touch. I will think of you both.
