1. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/
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Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by Boston Redsox, Nov 21, 2014.

  1. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

  2. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    I avoided a bad marriage by being a bachelor for 84 years. I stuck with dogs.

    I have friends who are happily married but it came after both got divorced.
    One remarried his wife, the other found someone else.

    I've found that the only stressful relationships in my life were with my dogs.

    But go ahead and call me a coward for not marrying.
    I never met a girl I loved enough to take the big step.
    Ollin and Boston Redsox like this.
  3. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    I probably have been "marriage shy." My parents divorced when I was 7,
    Mom married a man who had a house (security for her and my brother and sister and me),
    but after a year of going to bed with some bourbon she remarried my father.
    That lasted until his death ten years later and soon afterwards she married his brother
    who was a woman-hater. He died ten years later and she then had a series of boyfriends.
    I guess I just wanted to avoid having a bad marriage.
  4. nowtimecoach

    nowtimecoach Well known member

    Hi Boston Redsox - I think I can speak to your topic. I'm in a difficult relationship and in the worst of my pain, I felt that if I left, I would get better. That may have been true -but I didn't leave. What I have done is to work on myself to not add to the resentment pile that can happen between two people not getting along. I started to see how I was perpetuating some of the problems by not speaking up, not setting boundaries - being a bit of a pushover. I could see that it was less about my partner and more about how I was handling situations. I've been completely pain free for three months now - I'm still in the relationship. Things have changed some because I changed. Through TMS recovery, I learned how to take the wheel and drive my own life rather than being led by others or a more dominant partner. I don't know if any of this applies to your situation - but learning how to keep the focus on myself was an integral part of my healing.
    jennyc19, Ollin, Porpoise and 3 others like this.
  5. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member


    Now time

    Yes your situation does apply I am the push over, but like you said Ia m changing how I respond to situations even though we are headed to divorce I am learning to take care of myself and not worry about the logistics of everything…..

    Walt you are the smart one.
  6. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    I'm not sure how smart I am or was in staying single, but I've been reading that a lot of couples today think
    marriage ruins a relationship. Maybe they just don't have what it takes to keep a marriage happy and healthy.
    I can see that it takes a lot of love and patience, putting the other person first.
    heleng likes this.
  7. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    Walt you said it…it does take a lot of what you said but the trick is its has to come from both parties not just one….
    Ollin and heleng like this.
  8. camera

    camera Peer Supporter

    I'm not sure if I'm in a "bad marriage" as I'm not married by law and I'm not sure it's "bad" by definition. My partner is actually really sweet and really sincere, but he has a lot of disabilities (psychological and trauma-related) that make him someone that I probably ideally shouldn't be in a serious relationship with. I don't know if it's causing TMS for me, or just triggering it. I imagine if life was easy and carefree and I felt secure, I wouldn't have TMS, but does anyone really have that kind of life? I don't know. But it is really frustrating, and sometimes I'm not sure I could ever overcome TMS with this kind of life. I worry that my life would need a complete makeover, which would not be easy or even possible at the place I am now. I always try to accept things as they are, but I'm not sure you can always do that.

    I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this as well, though.
  9. chickenbone

    chickenbone Well known member

    I think the key in any relationship is to own your own pain and not always try to dump it on someone else. And steer clear of anyone who feels a need to dump their own pain on you. The other partner is never the cause of your pain. If most couples realized this and lived by it, many more good relationships would survive and potentially bad relationships would not begin.
    Mala and Boston Redsox like this.
  10. ermelin

    ermelin New Member

    My husband and I went through a rough time after we had our first child. We were having a lot of talks about separation and getting divorced, and that was the time when my back pain started. I never saw the connection between the two until after I learned about TMS. After 3 year of couple therapy were able to save our marriage. And although I still suffer from TMS, I know that I'm in a happy and healthy relationship, what makes me think that it is not so much about what is going on in our life, but how we deal with it. Right now, I'm not happy with my job, so I could blame my current TMS on that, will getting a new job take the pain away?... maybe or maybe not. I think looking inside of ourselves and how we react to life stressors is the key.

    Walt- both mine and my husband's parents had multiple failed marriages, according to the stats we don't stand a chance, but I like to think we have control to create a different future for ourselves and our kids.
  11. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    Regarding my marriage, after my wife infidelity a few years back I started suffering from bad stomach pains for a while with a million diagnosis , when that pain passed for that small moment in time where I thought I forgave my wife but deep down inside I hated here I repressed it for years until I broke out from more tms pain in my feet and legs ( not fun) after we spoke about finally separating by pains started moving all over. I have learned to look at these feelings and realize I was angry and I let them go.
    Ollin likes this.
  12. Alan Gordon LCSW

    Alan Gordon LCSW TMS Therapist

    I have worked with a lot of people that were in very difficult situations (bad marriage, terrible job, etc.) and there is this feeling - my symptoms are not going to go away until I change my situation. Although changing your situation can definitely help, it isn't always necessary to do so to get rid of your symptoms. Many of my former patients were able to eliminate their symptoms even while staying in their terrible job or being in a bad relationship. These stressors can exasperate symptoms of course but ultimately symptoms persist as a function of their relationship with their own selves and their own emotions.
  13. Ollin

    Ollin Peer Supporter

    Thank you Alan, I'm so glad to hear it. It applies both to my relationship and my job. I get a lot of well-meaning advice that I should quit both and my stresses will disappear, but I feel that the patterns that caused these stresses and TMS symptoms would carry on into the next relationship and next job. So, something to work on. Besides, these situations are not 100% bad, so they're worth working on.
    jennyc19 and camera like this.

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