Back spasm

[owwwww]

I had a severe case of TMS 20 years ago and haven't had problems since until the past week or so. The earliest manifestations were back pain which I got pretty good at defeating. I was surprised once by hives. The hives was absolutely spectacular - it came right after my 2nd child at a time when my life was in turmoil so the rage/stress was off the chart. My entire right arm was bright red and doubled in volume. My face was covered with inflamed patches. I figured it was TMS and dealt with it. Over the past few years it was anxiety and panic attacks. I got good at dealing with that, too.

Now I am full circle: My back was bothering me more and more for past 10 days and finally this morning it went BOOM! into a spasm.

I know what's going on. It's rage. Why?

First of all is all of the stuff that I don't choose. The worries - valid ones plus the ones made up in my head. Money and financial security. The entirety of 2020. The indignities of employment. Paying bills. Keeping the house clean. Marriage. Good marriage overall, but there's lots of petty b.s. that pisses me off.

But I am also my worst enemy. It's in my nature to take more and more on, to try to improve myself. More work. More exercise. Lose weight. Eat right. Don't drink alcohol. Don't waste time on social media. More and more and more. I am a total sucker for self-improvement ideas. I just try more and more of them, heaping on the "improvements" I would just rather not do.

Of course, all of this just induces more and more rage until I can't take it any more.

This morning I read an article on how to eliminate "brain fog." I added another six things to my list of what things I need to change about myself. And then I saw a note from my doctor. Blood work came back and I need to fix my diet because my cholesterol is too high. OK no ice cream, cookies whatever.

Three minutes later my back goes into an excruciating spasm.

So here I am. I know what it is. Writing this centers the dynamic so that I can disable the distraction.

 

[Baseball65]

First of all is all of the stuff that I don't choose. The worries - valid ones plus the ones made up in my head. Money and financial security. The entirety of 2020. The indignities of employment. Paying bills. Keeping the house clean. Marriage. Good marriage overall, but there's lots of petty b.s. that pisses me off.

But I am also my worst enemy. It's in my nature to take more and more on, to try to improve myself. More work. More exercise. Lose weight. Eat right. Don't drink alcohol. Don't waste time on social media. More and more and more. I am a total sucker for self-improvement ideas. I just try more and more of them, heaping on the "improvements" I would just rather not do.

I need to fix my diet because my cholesterol is too high. OK no ice cream, cookies whatever.

Three minutes later my back goes into an excruciating spasm.

The conscious you might have all of this awareness, but the unconscious you that you keep making all of these drill sergeant rules and 'musts' for isn't having it and that is HIS way of banging on the wall to get your attention. I believe it's called rage to soothe ratio. Even being aware of TMS and how it gets to us, you might have pushed too hard too fast...and of course that cholesterol thing might just be old fashioned rage against mortality

I am right there with you... My GF and my Boss both snapped and quit playing adult a few weeks back and I have had to pick up a lot of responsibilities I didn't sign up for. I felt it boiling over the other day and actually finally let it out and RAGED in real time . I actually reached that inferno of anger where you are just screaming at/too whoever is handy....at the back of my conscious mind was the awareness that if I didn't off load SOMEWHERE , I was gonna break out in symptoms.... In this case it was to my son who has an understanding of what I am going through. I still owe him an apology just for him having to listen to my rant (it was against arbitrary dumb rules at a bank)

Every time I have ever had a relapse (I got 20 years like you) I have always been 'OK'... and then again on closer inspection I am 'managing' and I am really NOT ok with lots of stuff, but the adult won't admit it

 

[Aimee88]

Thank you, both, for these posts. Just 10 minutes ago, I surprised myself and admitted (out loud, to another human being) that I *am* always stressed at Christmas time. I have denied that and played the 'I love Christmas' script for such a long time. And I there is much I do like about Christmas. AND I get stressed trying to do everything and do it 'right' and do what others won't do or don't do....etc, etc. And I am feeling it already this year with random symptoms and pain. And I'm journalling, spending time in contemplation and prayer and this morning I treated myself to yoga. I know what it is. I know what to do. I am willing, every day, to feel. And I'm so glad I stopped by today.

Thank you for these bits especially:

But I am also my worst enemy. It's in my nature to take more and more on, to try to improve myself. More work. More exercise. Lose weight. Eat right. Don't drink alcohol. Don't waste time on social media. More and more and more. I am a total sucker for self-improvement ideas. I just try more and more of them, heaping on the "improvements" I would just rather not do.

on closer inspection I am 'managing' and I am really NOT ok with lots of stuff, but the adult won't admit it

I resemble these remarks.

 

[Gojab]

I have almost the exact story, although I've been in recovery a shorter time period that you. Pain free for about 6 weeks then back spasms really bad last week. But I know EXACTLY why...had to travel to see my Mom in Fla for Thanksgiving and I was very worried about COVID and my Mom and I have a complicated past. In any event, I have found that the thing that helps the MOST is meditation and being kind to myself. I'm so happy I have the tools now to deal with TMS symptoms. Good luck.

 

[Baseball65]

But I know EXACTLY why...had to travel to see my Mom in Fla for Thanksgiving and I was very worried about COVID and my Mom and I have a complicated past.

That's the kind of awareness that will keep you pain free for a very long time. Sometimes it takes a minute to get the answer, but when I do , it is always that obvious. It's amazing to me how simple this is