Anxiety - Baby coming soon

Hi Guys,

I have been pretty much pain free apart from the odd flare up. My TMS was mostly relating to eye strain and headaches.

Lately, I've been getting really strong Anxiety. I think it stemmed from a few things:

1. My Grandad passed away
2. The same day, my wife announced she was pregnant
3. I was going through a few major projects at work and working all hours under the sun.

I've been going through the Claire Weekes stuff and slowly getting on top of it. I think my main fear now is all the uncertainty around the kid who is due in April, this will be out first Child and I want to make sure I do things the right way. I went out with a few friends who have a new-born and I got to hold him, it was great, but it made me even more anxious, I think the thought of being responsible for a tiny human scares the crap out of me.

That fear seems to be whats causing my anxiety to flare up again. Has anyone else had anything similar? I know I need to stop feeding the fear to get better.

Thanks,

Alex

 

I’m still in TMS recovery, but I wanted to reply since the pain started for me after the birth of my child. I had a difficult pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum, and I also lost my two remaining grandparents during that time. My daughter came one month early because of my condition, and I was very fearful of being a good parent (mainly because I hadn’t been around babies that much before, but also because of my TMS perfectionist tendencies and childhood emotional neglect). All of these things were triggers for my TMS.

I just wanted to tell you that the fact that you’re concerned about doing things “the right way” shows that you’re already a great parent! I think it also shows that you’re concerned about “not being good enough.”

Claire Weekes is awesome (I like hearing her voice on the audiobook), and I’m assuming you’ve already read one of Dr. Sarno’s book to beat the pain. Steve Ozanich’s “The Great Pain Deception” is also great. I remember that he dealt with anxiety after his other symptoms dissipated. Back pain is my main symptom, so I’m sure others will chime in on more resources for anxiety specifically.

Some other things that might help:

1) You’re probably already taking a parenting class to learn the basics (holding the baby, changing diapers, etc.). But if not, it helps a lot.

2) Remind yourself that there is no “right way.” You already love that baby, and that’s the most important thing. You can prepare with a class, but there’s really so much that can only be learned on the job. And that’s OK! Because that’s how it’s always been done!

3) Don’t let well-meaning relatives and friends tell you that you “should” be doing this or that. You know deep down what will be best for you and your family. Trust your instincts. This is a huge thing that I wish someone had told me when I became a parent.

4) Relax with some funny movies about parenting. I love “Baby Boom”, “Mr. Mom”, “Parenthood”, “Incredibles 2” and “Ice Age”. I can’t really remember “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” (which probably says enough about the movie then), but the fathers in the trailer really cracked me up.

5) Stay connected with other new parents. Moms often have a breast-feeding group that eventually turns into a playgroup. Dads need support from other dads too.

 

April is ages away. Maybe focus on making your last Christmas as a child free couple super special.
There are many “right ways” e.g. for me that means breastfeeding and reusable nappies. Yours may be different and your partner’s different again. How is she faring?
Anxiety and excitement are 2 sides of the same coin. It’s all about perception.
Have you discussed names?
How about Trevor for a boy and Beryl for a girl?

 

BagelSchnitzel,
If you DIDN'T feel this way about becoming a first time parent you wouldn't be normal! I remember before our first son was born I used to have two big fears (many small one too probably)
1/ How would I know when to feed him? Would I end up starving him? (I had no idea they cry loudly when they are hungry-duh!)
2/ I was terrified I would put him in his little carrier on top of my car and then drive away forgetting he was there like he was a cup of coffee. I used to have recurring nightmares about doing this until my father (who had died 10 years before) came to me in a dream and said, "Stop worrying about it! It won't happen!" (Babies in carriers are far too heavy to put on top of a car.)

Every fear you have is probably normal. I used to remind myself that far less intelligent and capable people than I have been raising children since humans came into being. Do a search for the podcast series 'The Mind and Fitness Podcast' by Eddie Lindenstein. I have been binge listening to it lately. He often talks about tms from the stress of being a dad. He has a baby and a 3-year-old. I think you will find it helpful.

 

That there in and of itself is a sign that you will be a good (enough) parent. Remind yourself many people have done this before, and you can do it. You can be scared and still do it. At the same time, be aware that you will make mistakes. You're human, and you will make mistakes. Every parent does. It's OK. Parenting is easy and difficult at the same time, and you'll learn as your kid grows. Your kid will teach you.

Embrace the uncertainty!

 

Thanks Guys,

Your words have really helped. I've also started to read 'Dare' by Barry McDonagh which is giving me a fresh take on how to deal with the anxiety.

Regards,

Alex

 

I totally hear you here. I host the podcast that was mentioned above as well.

My wife and i found out we were pregnant the first time in October of 2013 and a within 10 days or so I developed bad stomach pain and a "dairy allergy" that became a fairly crippling fear for years. This was the last symptom to shake but has completely vanished and I am enjoying whatever I want to eat again.

Totally normal to get the anxiety or any symptom with the news of a kiddo. They can be stressful AF - very rewarding, and I love my girls - but it is not at all an easy job.

 

Hi Alex,

Congrats on the coming baby.

It is a life-changing experience and a very wonderful one.

Having raised two children and now helping with my two adorable grandsons (30 months and 3 months) it can be challenging and quite rewarding.

Focus on getting excited rather than anxious about it. Make a list of all the positive aspects of becoming a new father and review it daily.

One book that will take a lot of anxiety out of parenthood is Dr. Robert Mendelssohn’s “How To Raise A Healthy Child In Spite of Your Doctor.”

Here’s my review.
https://www.fredamir.com/single-post/2018/10/29/Dr-Mendelsohn-Protects-Children

Take care,

 

That’s a lot to deal with, Tricia. Hope things work out and go smoothly for you and your family. A new baby is always a major change.

One book that I wish I had read when my children were born and can help a lot is How to Raise A Healthy Child In Spite of Your Doctor by pediatrician Robert Mendelsohn. Here’s my review of his book.
https://www.fredamir.com/single-post/2018/10/29/Dr-Mendelsohn-Protects-Children

Take care,