Day 2 Angry at myself!

[Carma7]

One of today's journaling exercises is to list three things that cause me to feel angry. I'm pretty sure that since I'm so new to this program, the typical things I'm listing are just surface things that my *conscious* mind is aware of. I have this comical vision of the deeper subconscious anger things scurrying around like cockroaches when someone turns on the light, trying to hide even deeper. I tell them "You can run, but you can't hide!" I trust myself to go deeper as I work the program and am sort of looking forward to what gets unearthed so I can know, once and for all.

That said, what's been coming up a lot in these last few days (and it feels pretty deep) is that a huge part of my anger is at myself. In fact, whenever I think that thought, whatever nagging pain that is poking me at the moment completely stops. So weird and so nice! What I'm realizing is how angry I am at MYSELF because the majority of *things* that make me angry (at least at the conscious level) could have been prevented if I had stood up for myself and set a boundary in the first place. This is the backbone story of my life -- rarely standing up for myself, letting myself be taken advantage of in order to be liked and accepted, and then stewing in resentment and anger when I feel used or betrayed afterward.

What concerns me, though, is that this frame of mind (being angry at myself) doesn't feel very self-nurturing or self-accepting, and I don't want to be causing more damage in my effort to turn my thinking around. I'd sure appreciate your thoughts and comments.

Thank you!

 

[Diana-M]

In fact, whenever I think that thought, whatever nagging pain that is poking me at the moment completely stops. So weird and so nice!

This is great news! You’re onto something! Now, dig deeper. Why did you end up as someone who has no boundaries? There are likely more people to be angry at, not just yourself.

 

[Joulegirl]

You will be amazed on what journaling brings up. This is just the start for you!

 

[HealingMe]

Throughout my recovery, I, too, have felt anger at myself which led me to dig a bit deeper about it.

Here's what Alan Gordon mentioned in another thread I bookmarked.

ISTDP practitioners look at anger at oneself not as a true outlet of repressed rage, but rather the defense mechanism of "self-attack." According to this theory, you may have learned early on that anger toward your parents was not okay- perhaps you got punished when you got angry, or maybe you came to see one or both of your parents as fragile and unable to tolerate your anger, and as a result developed the defense mechanism of self-attack to keep you from your true feelings of rage. Essentially putting the anger on yourself to protect your mind from feeling anger toward them.

and from Steve Ozanich:

By turning the rage inward in the form of symptoms, you prevent others from seeing you in a full blown panic, or rage. So, on that end it helps you to protect your self image. On the other end, it helps you to never experience the true emotion behind the symptoms. As the human brain is wired today (most likely due to social constructs) it chooses pain over emotion. And, you have no choice in the matter.

So, your pain is a shield between your unconscious and conscious, to help you avoid certain things and to help you hide certain things.

I've come to understand it is just another form of distraction.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I have this comical vision of the deeper subconscious anger things scurrying around like cockroaches when someone turns on the light, trying to hide even deeper.

This is a great visualization on multiple levels, including the ability to use the essential tool of humor