Am I tackling this the wrong way?

Hey all -

Well I have had some really good days of late. I am on around day 8 of sleeping without any sleeping aids aside from 1 unisom. While my sleep is no way back to normal, I am getting around 5.5 to 6 hours of constant sleep a night. I still hope to get back to my 7-8 norm from November and before.

I am so worn down by ths TMS. I am unsure if I am focusing on the proper things to resolve this. I am 100% on board now that I have tension causing my head and eye issues. I can feel the tension in my temples, eye muscles, back of head,neck. Having had two eye exams and an MRI I know there can't be anything sinister taking place. The fact that I can feel the tension and when I came to this conclusion my neck and back got even more tense shows me my body knows that I know now whats going on.

I just don't seem to be lucky enough to have the realiztion take my issues away. Could be that since I have allowed the stress to go on so long that anxiety set in it is going to take more.

I did a test yesterday...my Dr. asked me to try a anti-Inflam medicine called meloxicam. So yesterday I took twp as he prescribed and I had zero vision issues. I was also relaxed with Church and family time. Now this morning, I had some anxiety and eye issues...temple tension knowing I had to work in front of my computer all day and drive. The bounces from the car seems to make my issues worse,almost like the bounces jar my tense neck and head.

So I have 2 months of constant stress about my head and eyes to rid myself of. My therapist really has no structure to our discussions. He keeps asking me to talk and then we spiral off into my family history or my perfectionism. He asks me to step back when I am anxious and talk to the fear so I can release its burden.

I know he thinks that some repressed emotion is causing all of this but sometimes I wonder if it isn't simply that I am scared that my vision will be off forever and my head will feel tense. I don't want to feel this way with spring coming up, vacation and golf/fishing....playing with my son etc...

Could it be as easy as I am tense becuase of the way I feel and the anxiety it causes? I know I was abandoned as a child from my mother....and maybe don't know how to sooth myself. I also know that the thought of me not feeling perfect bothers me.... It just feels like I am fearful of not being able to enjoy my family time.

I have been trying to only think positive thoughts and been journaling positive thoughts. I feel like I just need to try and relax and roll with the vision issues and one day they will go away.

 

Pingman, looks to me like you have the classic obstacles to TMS healing... you fear you're not going to get better and that you won't be able to enjoy summer or a vacation, or playing with your son.

Try turning those fears into positive thoughts... tell yourself mantras like "I am going to have a great, pain-free summer
and vacation." "I feel better already."

And it looks like you have more to work on about being abandoned by your mother. Dr. Sarno says early abandonment is a prime cause of TMS. Have you really forgiven her? Why do you think she left you? Can you put yourself in her shoes at that time to learn more about why?

You're making good progress since you're sleeping better.

Keep it up.

 

I agree with Walt. Fear makes everything worse... (Sarno)
The same goes for impatience. So I don't think it is wise to put too much pressure on yourself, that you must be better at a certain point in time. This will create anger or fear.

 

Thanks Walt - It does sound like I have classisc TMS...the fear of not getting better. It is a shame I shouldn't realize it easier since I did the same thing two years ago with my IBS and colon cancer scare. I too worried that I was going to be rushing to the bathroom in public all the time or need a invasive surgery. When I relaxed it went away.

Not getting better is my biggest fear, especialy when I have a good day and the next is worse. I will try the mindfulness and self talk. I was doing that but had gotten away from it.

The whole mother thing.... I can't put myself in her shoes because she lacks compassion for anyone but herself and I am a total opposite. I get teary eyed at the St. Jude commercials while she would comment on how much money people send to that place and how they are crooks.

She left us because she had an affair on my dad with a younger man. She was having a mid-life crisis and while we were at the ball park playing on our sports teams she was running around. I don't question that my dad wasn't a peach to be around but the reason for the seperation was the affair. My dad let her come home 4 times and even tried counseling so I know he did care.

Even today she is selfish. I told her about my anxiety 4 weeks ago and she has not called back. She just kind of ignored it. I think I have forgiven her to a degree. I ahven't caleld and told her that because well she doesn't think she did anything wrong. In my heart am I sad she abandoned me...sure. Is the abandonment ongoing still? Yes I would day....so maybe I am upset less about her leaving me as a child and more about the fact that she still wants nothing to do with my current family.

Who knows..... I can't say she doesn't make me mad still but I could care less about the past. I guess maybe its the present that irks me.

 

Gig - I am probably one of the most impatient people when it comes to certain things, other the opposite. With this pain and TMS...I would say I have had no patience at all. I want it gone and gone now. With my IBS and leg pain it was fairly easy once I was assured it was all mental....I could just ignore those pains and focus on other things and the pain melted away. With the eye and head pain it is sooooo much harder. I am constantly being reminded by my eyes.

 

Pingman, you are terrific. Healing by MS after being scared you had IBS and colon cancer is fantastic.
Just keep the same positive belief and your eye and head pain will go away.

I think the hardest part in healing with TMS is the basic one: believing 100 percent that the pain is caused
by repressed emotions.

Dr. Sarno says we don't even have to resolve the issue with someone that causes our pain, but to
recognize it. So you don't have to resolve anything with your mother. She does sound like a very
self-centered person. A friend's wife is like that and he finally divorced her. He stuck with it longer
than anyone could have, but enough was finally enough.

I guess we all want our mothers to be perfect, but that's not possible for anyone including ourselves.

You're going to get rid of your headaches and eye problem. Don't worry about that.

Thanks for sharing about your mother.

 

Ping,
Have you tried mindfulness? It forces you to sit back and be patient, something you might benefit from

take care and take it easy...

 

Fear - That is the thing I need to try and eliminate from this whole process. When it all started I was obssessed with my vision issues only. As I began to worry more the anxiety followed like nothing I had ever felt before. The combo of the anxiety and perceived eye issues instilled fear in me and irrational thinking that I might never get better. That spiraled into negative thoughts about missing out on hobbies and family time, never feeling better.

Even if my vision never got better I can still see. I need to get the fear out of my mind. I am actually quite good at handling pain, or was prior to the fear and anxiety. I endured a 6 hour dentist visit one time after an accident and I metabolize pain meds quickly and I had no issues. It hurt bad too.

Today I took a xanax just to see if I could feel what it was like to not have the pain and vision issues. I took a half a pill and today I have not had any pain and no visual issues. But as soon as I feel the pain again I know that fear will set in that I can't do this without the magic pill and I hate that. I hate medicating. I need to get to the point where even if I feel the pressure in my head and eyes I just deal with it without that fear creeping in.

I can't put my finger on what repressed emotion causes my fear.