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A (somewhat) success story

Discussion in 'Success Stories Subforum' started by Kozas, Mar 21, 2019.

  1. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    I'm not gonna retell my whole story as you can read it here:
    http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/is-tms-approach-even-suitable-for-me.19678/#post-106831 (Is TMS approach even suitable for me?)

    And also I'm just tired of retelling it over and over again.
    So I'm gonna tell a short story: since 2011 I have mediocre but very annoying constistent teeth/gum pain and stomach pain, which started after taking antibiotics. For pretty much over 6 years I thought about my pain every second of every hour of my life.

    But a true miracle happened few months ago. Steadily after many meditation sessions and mindfullness approch and many other things(including journaling although I like meditation much more) I was finally able to "break" this OCD behavior over my pain.
    Don't get me wrong. I still have the exact same pains and I still thinks about it sometimes. But usually only few times in a day, for a minute or two, while before that like I said I thought about my pain every second.

    Not to mention that my overall mental state is so much better. Previously I was thinking not only about pain but I was blaming constantly myself for it(I took many months of antibiotics for my acne). I was wallowing in the past and mourn for the future. Most of that irrational thinking is gone!
    When I work I think about what I do, when I read book I can concentrate on that, immerse in it and not wallow in my pain over and over again.

    I don't know if my pain will ever go away. But I'm fine about it. I mean it would be awesome if my pain would go away, but it's like winning a lottery. Everybody wants to win lottery, but most people don't go through their every day sad because they didn't win. I finally also stood for myself and don't overthink things I have no control over. I use my intellience to solve things I have control over - like furthering my career, or archieving success in my hobbies and not thinking what I did 10 years ago, like it's any important right now.

    I'm back to this forum, to bring some hope and to further advance my journey. Last month or two I didn't do any TMS work, because I was so happy to at least LIVE after so many years of drifting(and I'm still somewhat young, I will be 30 this year).

    So, upward and onward to better future!
  2. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Wow, Kozas, I'm very impressed by your progress! You have come a LONG way since your first post last fall - Congratulations! I couldn't be happier to read, and feel, the significant change in your outlook. dancea

    And thank you for posting this in the Success Stories subforum, because this qualifies as success in my book. I think your experience will have great value for others.

    Keep up the good work - you never know what the next improvement will bring.

    grapefruit likes this.
  3. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    I decided to do Alan Gordon's program, I'm nearly at the end and pain is still the same. I just realized I don't even remember how it feelt to not be in pain. I'm still in much better mental shape than year ago, but I feel like I have kinda 'rebound' of tms attacking me(mentally). All those thoutgs of "why me" and guilt of me doing thing that could worsened my health("like taking antibiotics for acne, if I didnt take it maybe TMS would never attack me, or what if it's trully not TMS?" Thinking like that. Not able to relate to anyone as my parents thinks that I don't hurt anymore as I don't show it. I told my mother yesterday that I hurt because I had worse day than usual, and she was just angry on me(she can talk to my hours about her various aches and pains but I have to be always smilling and sunny, and if not I will be verbally attacked by her). And today she told me I still have depression and don't believe me I have any pains, heh. That's one of the reasons I never looked for a girlfriend, if my own mother/family don't believe me, how could somebody else
    I feel like TMS is still attacking me, especially in places where I'm vulnerable. I respond back with things I know are true, like "I'm able to be fully healthy" or that "this pain brough also a good things like it gave me immense mental strength and drive in life" or just simple "shit happens, it's how we deal with it is important" but I feel like I'm lacking something. Maybe someone I could talk about my pains and frustrations? Not even often but from time to time. Writing is good, but talking is even better. After every time I talk about it all I feel better - not only mentally but physically. That's how I'm pretty sure it's TMS - I've tried so many pills, yet it was always talking that helped me(although shortterm). It's pretty frustrating when I can't talk with my family about it, I can talk with them only about very very shallow things like food and clothets(my mother talks nonstop about food, it feels like it's her only topic. I can talk to her about my pains or I don't know my work or life and she will interupt me with "MAYBE YOU SHOULD EAT SOMETHING, I BOUGHT STRAWBERRIES AND I DIDN'T SEE YOU EAT THEM, THAT'S WHY YOU ARE DEPRESSED").
    I've lost so many years of my youth because of all this, and my minds know how to attack me. Without my severe acne I would never try antibiotics, maybe it would all never happened? But on the other side, it happened. It's not like I'm cursed, or universe have pleasure tormenting me. I really believed that in the past. But knowing that I'm not that special did nothing to my pain. I dunno. Maybe it would be easier to handle if pain was more like pain attacks and not 24/7 thing.
    I also don't know what to do after I finish Alan Gordon's program.
  4. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Kozas,

    I am glad to hear about some improvements from you:
    you believe less than before that you are victim of the Universe
    you have found some ways to feel better, such as talking and writing
    you have developed positive statements to respond to the Inner Bully re "progress, symptoms, etc."

    On the negative side, you aren't in good relationship with your family, and by that I mean you don't express yourself honestly, or if you do, your mother for instance does not understand or take you seriously. This is a very difficult situation to endure, with or without symptoms. I am sorry.

    From way out here I see a lot of awareness on your part, and I want to encourage you that this is important, basic to TMS work, regardless of how others see you, or even if symptoms are not improving fast.

    I think the most painful pattern I see is that your Inner Bully is making you feel bad, including perhaps about your relationships. I see your strength and encourage you to stay the course.

    Finding someone to talk to sounds like a good idea. Can you pursue this?

    After finishing Alan's program, I would suggest you do it again, find some very supportive phrases or sections which you can come back to again for support, to lessen your fears. Also, consider the SEP, and Howard Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain workbook.

    Andy B
  5. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    Yes, my Inner Bully is still strong, but now I know that it's not me. It never was me. It was ingrained in me by my mother. She is negative to the core. My father was pretty much non existing in my life so when I was kid/teen with every success I've come to her and she was ALWAYS negative like "Mom I get good grade!" "Hm, so now you gonna have to study harder because one good grade is not enough" "Mom I passed driving license!" "Oh my god, I will be so nervous, what if you get into accident? I've seen how you drive, you are shit driver, something will happen to you!"(I'm maybe not formula 1 driver but I was never involved in any serious accident and I drive pretty good) "Mom, I have date with girl I like!" "Watch out for girls, then are selfish and gonna want to use you".
    And after all that talk whenever I've said anything, ANYTHING negative she respond "OH MY GOD WHAT YOU ARE SO NEGATIVE, YOU ARE DEPRESSED". Lack of self-awareness from my mom is something that shocks me now.

    I already did Howards Schubiners workbook... twice. But SEP is something I've never tried :)
    I also want to visit psychotherapist, the thing is I live in small town but I finally moving out in 2 months :) I'm really happy about it. I will try to visit psychotherapist even sooner, but after all that TMS work I did I know for 100% one thing - the main healing factor is myself. In the end even with help everyone one of us has to stand our ground and fight for ourselves... but little help will not harm us :)

    What I also want to do this summer is work on my body. Not in "oh my god I'm sick and I want to be healthy" like before but more like "I like swimming, biking, going to gym... let's do this stuff more often!" Which gonna be so much easier considering that as a teacher next 2 months I'm on vacations.

    Oh, and I have a question - do you know any video/audio resources that can help with TMS? Reading is one thing, but I really feel like someone voice is even better. I can just sit, close my eyes and just listen.
  6. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    I don't want to start new thread, but I have to ask question for more experienced people here.
    I'm in the midle of SEP program and also reading Sarno book but I realized that in past ~3 weeks I don't care about pain at all. It's still there, but I forget how I feel without pain. Pain doesn't even anoy me. It would be nice if it would fade 100% but I almost not care to be honest. Should I continue TMS work? Or just… you know, leave it. I fill my day with many fun activities, I exercise a lot etc and doing SEP program is quite boring for me. I don't have stuff to journal, and many advices are not helpful to me at all(start exercising - I've never have problem with it. I have pain in stomach and teeth/gums).
    Right now pain to me is like balding. When I see myself in mirror I say something like 'oh, I have less hair than before', and that's it, I don't think about it through my day. Same with pain. From time to time I see it and I'm like 'oh, I'm still in pain. Okay I quess', and that's all. Of course it would be better to have head full of hair and no pain but...no life is perfect. Previously I had a lot of regrets because pain MAYBE started because of my mistake(taking prescribed by derm antibiotics for acne) but now I'm fine with it. You can't change past, besides millions takes antibiotics and are fine. Not to mention that life is funny, maybe if I wouldn't take antibiotics something worse would happened(butterfly effect anybody?).
    So anyway… should I continue TMS work? I feel that by TMS work I still focus somewhat on pain, while just living my day can maybe 'starve' it? Or maybe just put TMS work on hold for few months? In past I was desperate but now I'm fine, so I don't care about quicks results

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