Day 8 A letter to one of my personality traits

[Pia]

I chose to write a letter to a personality trait which I call "Helper and Savior". I have worked with this trait for a good deal of years alredy, but the letter helped me take the next step.
When I was a child, I suffered serious neglect and today I felt deep in my bones, that the only action I could actually take back then, was to try to fix my parents (to ensure my own survival...). When I'm in depression, apathy and anxiety I still like to reach out to help other people not really knowing what to do to help myself (and often I feel neglected after helping others when I'm in bad state myself). For many years I used to say that the human rights did not apply to me... I have no right whatsoever, I just work. I have definitely identified emotionally with the "Helper and Savior" believing that this what I am - this is my reason for being. It's not the truth, of course, it's a role, it's my deepest and last straw when nothing else works. Saving someone else, rescueing them, fixing them so that they can help (fix) me...
Today the depts of this became clear on an emotional level, and along with this the feeling that it's over. I'm a grown-up woman soon to be 51, I don't need to save anybody - and I don't need saving either, and this is I think by far the most important. The clue is not saving. The clue is being present, right here with my feelings and emotions, being a grown up, knowing that no feeling or emotion can ever hurt me!, that I'm able to stand by all parts of me. And when I do that, when I allow whatever is (not reacting to it), I will know deep down which action is right and when.
My "Helper and Savior" transformed on the surface into empathy, understanding and heart to meet others in all aspects of life some 10 years ago - but I have felt left on the bench. What then??? What about me??? Now I know. Feel the emotions. Just feel. And listen. Then I'll know.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Pia,

I read you words with so much excitement. I see you know yourself deeply, and that you know that growth and resolution happen! I hope a lot of people read this post. It is so clear, and so loving. Your words remind me of this song, by O'Conner.

Andy B

 

[Pia]

Thank you so much for your words and the Sinead O'Connor song <3 - it's beautiful and I have never heard/seen it before.
For a lot of years I think I misunderstood this having a universe inside me as something which was actually outside and beyond me. It becomes clear to me, that the universe inside is my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts and the interaction with my body, all the layers of energies and of course the dimension beyond. I used my spirituality to escape from reality believing that salvation, healing, saving would come from something higher, outside of me. At the same time I have known at a very deep level, that it was in fact inside... Puzzling. I actually turned my back on most of the spiritual dimension when I understood that it was an escape.
The "being in the now" always stroke me as odd, of course I am in the now... well I haven't actually been in there since I have not felt myself... I just didn't know that this was what it meant!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Pia,

I appreciate your words very much. I agree that Spirituality is generally the name given to a new way to escape. And we all want to stop our suffering. Our desire to escape comes from our loving self, to hopefully find ourselves existing in good conditions. Part of why we put the "goodness" outside ourselves is our imprints from childhood. We project our innate goodness on our caregivers. Mommy becomes love, because in her presence we can relax into our love. Just like we want a lover to be with, so we can feel love. But where is the love coming from? It is part of our nature.

I was thinking that

The "being in the now" always stroke me as odd, of course I am in the now... well

could be expressed more directly as "I am the now." I feel mysterious when I put it that way!

Andy B

 

[Pia]

Hi Pia,

I appreciate your words very much. I agree that Spirituality is generally the name given to a new way to escape. And we all want to stop our suffering. Our desire to escape comes from our loving self, to hopefully find ourselves existing in good conditions. Part of why we put the "goodness" outside ourselves is our imprints from childhood. We project our innate goodness on our caregivers. Mommy becomes love, because in her presence we can relax into our love. Just like we want a lover to be with, so we can feel love. But where is the love coming from? It is part of our nature.

I was thinking that

could be expressed more directly as "I am the now." I feel mysterious when I put it that way!

Andy B

So true! Sometimes I feel someone saying "I love you, Pia" a very soft and insisting voice and I then direct it from myself to myself in exactly the same way "I love you, Pia" - because the "someone" is my inner voice, not someone or something outside

"I am the now" - yes - and even just "I am"....


Pia

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Sometimes I feel someone saying "I love you, Pia" a very soft and insisting voice

This seems to me to be a great blessing!

I remember one time I was going to wilderness retreat, and pushing myself up the hill with a backpack, in heat with mosquitoes, and I had a deep belief that if I could just get "up there"--to my mountain perch for the week, then I could be with myself, and feel good.

A small voice came to me and said: "I am with you right here, Andy, already." A love affair was born in that moment, which continues these 15 years later.