It's funny because my symptoms started 8 years ago too. I had many medical tests and they never found anything! I know that in order to beat TMS you have to be sure that's everything physical is okay with you but I think Dorado words are very important - EVEN if something physical is not okay(but in my case it's weird how it hasn't progress in 8 years hmm) then mind-body approach can STILL greatly reduce your symptoms. And even if they find in medical test that something is not okay - that can be manifestation of mind body or just something that wouldn't give any symptoms other people.
-
Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/
-
Welcome to the new TMS Wiki server! Things aren't finished yet: email is not set up, so notification and password-reset emails don't go out, and new registrations are paused until email is installed. Details and updates are in this thread (click here). Locked out? Email tmswikisignups@gmail.com from the address where you receive TMS Wiki notifications.
A desperate update, opinions appreciated
- Thread starter Duende
- Start date
It's funny because my symptoms started 8 years ago too. I had many medical tests and they never found anything! I know that in order to beat TMS you have to be sure that's everything physical is okay with you but I think Dorado words are very important - EVEN if something physical is not okay(but in my case it's weird how it hasn't progress in 8 years hmm) then mind-body approach can STILL greatly reduce your symptoms. And even if they find in medical test that something is not okay - that can be manifestation of mind body or just something that wouldn't give any symptoms other people.
tgirl
Well known member
I’ve had many tests and they can’t find anything wrong ( symptoms only on my legs and in addition to that I experience severe anxiety at times that seems uncontrollable when it occurs). JanAtheCPA and Dorado have been really helpful; some of what they say I reread. Others have been helpful too and I appreciate them all. I guess I have to let the fact that it’s only on my legs and it’s been present for so long not bother me. Difficult to do.
Welcome! Just so I’m clear, all your tests have been negative, correct?
When you say ‘when my anxiety occurs’, what do you mean, exactly? What do you experience as anxiety, symptom-wise?
And what have you done to treat this? Besides coming here of course
tgirl
Well known member
Thanks for responding RogueWave. I don’t know if those were rhetorical questions, but I’ll answer them anyway. I’ve been tested extensively including neurologists, MRI’s etc. My doctor doesn’t know what to do with me. He feels I’m very healthy and doesn’t know what to say. He used to say it was anxiety related and now he doesn’t say anything. I’ve had these particular symptoms before and when the neurologist said I was fine, they went away over a few weeks. This time around they seem stuck. I am seeing a psychotherapist and I find her to be a person who gets the mind/body concept.
As for the anxiety feeling, one day a few years ago I experienced a panic attack associated with a medical test. I have severe health anxiety and this test just put me over the edge. Prior to that I really didn’t know what a panic attack was. Since then a sense of intense panic/fear/sadness wells up in my chest for no apparent reason and stays for a good part of the day. This can go on for weeks. Then the panic sensation can go away and not return for months. Very odd. My doctor said physically he can see no reason for this. My thyroid etc. is good. He suggests antidepressants, but really I don’t want to go this route. I’ve tried them in the past and they just made me feel ill. You ask what I am doing for the anxiety. I see a psychotherapist, try to meditate, eat very well and exercise. Ahhh! I feel like a broken record sometimes.
I’ve been tested extensively including neurologists, MRI’s etc. My doctor doesn’t know what to do with me. He feels I’m very healthy and doesn’t know what to say. He used to say it was anxiety related and now he doesn’t say anything. I’ve had these particular symptoms before and when the neurologist said I was fine, they went away over a few weeks. This time around they seem stuck. I am seeing a psychotherapist and I find her to be a person who gets the mind/body concept.As for the anxiety feeling, one day a few years ago I experienced a panic attack associated with a medical test. I have severe health anxiety and this test just put me over the edge. Prior to that I really didn’t know what a panic attack was. Since then a sense of intense panic/fear/sadness wells up in my chest for no apparent reason and stays for a good part of the day. This can go on for weeks. Then the panic sensation can go away and not return for months. Very odd. My doctor said physically he can see no reason for this. My thyroid etc. is good. He suggests antidepressants, but really I don’t want to go this route. I’ve tried them in the past and they just made me feel ill. You ask what I am doing for the anxiety. I see a psychotherapist, try to meditate, eat very well and exercise. Ahhh! I feel like a broken record sometimes.
That’s because internally, that is basically what is happening. And on top of that, the body gets addicted to the stress hormones...but more on that later.
While you might have had your first anxiety attack around a medical test, it had been building up to that for a long time, as you seem to have noted, based on your history. The test just ‘tipped the cart.’
It’s not uncommon to have long periods of not feeling symptoms, and then have them show up suddenly. As I mentioned before, my Dad had severe PTSD from Vietnam, yet he has a basically normal life, until he had his first big flashback while taking a shower on a calm day....33 years after he left the war. No apparently triggers, just stuff simmering below the surface for a long time. The subconscious is a very, very interesting area. There’s a lot we don’t know, but what we can say for sure is that time is basically non-existent there. Years can go by, but deeper down the body can be experiencing past events as if they are happening now, even if we were thinking about something totally different.
I’ve refined the ‘how to get out of this’ since I posted here last. But please understand, there isn’t just one way to do it. I’m going to list what I believe to be the crucial points, but there isn’t much order to them. Do them to the best of your ability, every day, and you’ll pull yourself out of this eventually. But be forewarned, it’s probably going to take longer that you’d like it to....unless it doesn’t ;-).
I’ll number these, but they are in no particular order...although the first 2 are probably best to start with.
1. Acceptance of the mind/body diagnosis.
As you’ve done, it’s important to rule everything else out first. This is crucial, because lack of doing so will slow your progress or stop it completely. Stay off WebMD and similar sites once you have been tested for everything else.
Acceptance also means to accept the symptoms whenever they may come. This isn’t easy, especially on bad days. Do your best to observe the pains, anxiety, palpitations, or whatever you are experiencing. Fighting it, getting angry, despairing, frustrated, depressed, about them can all slow recovery, because those reactions will cause further release of stress hormones into the system.
2. Knowledge. Knowledge precedes experience, and you’re going to have to study the mind/body connection a lot. Part of this is to help reprogram your brain and body chemistry, and the other reason is to give you confidence (which also changes your biochemistry for the better). There are tons of resources on this, but my personal faves are anything by Claire Weekes, ‘Mental Health Through Will Training’ by Dr. Abraham Low, and of course any of Joe Dispenza’s books. Or you can start with this video. Pay particular attention to the beginning, where he discusses how a stress response becomes chronic:
3. Awareness. This can get a little tricky, but you have to guard against any thoughts/actions/words that unconsciously reinforce your current situation. Stop all of them immediately:
-Defeatist mannerisms (‘this will never get better!’).
-Romantic, overly dramatic mannerisms (‘This is SO BAD. It’s the worst, I feel so awful all the time! What if it comes back? What if it never goes away?)
-Over-analytical mannerisms (time spent self-diagnosing, ‘well yesterday I had a panic attack at 11:18 after I ate a peanut, so I must have a problem with peanuts! Or maybe it was the full moon, or that argument with my sister! My great-grandmother had a nervous breakdown, so it must be my genes!).
Be aware of how often you do these things, or how often you are just focusing on you, and you’ll be surprised how often you’re doing it. At my worst I was doing these things 99.9% of every day.
ALL of them will elicit further stress hormone releases. So spot then (as Dr Low referred to it), and stop. This will take practice, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you fail a lot, especially at first. Just stop, correct, and move on.
Which brings us to...
4. Practice. This includes practicing awareness and observation of the self, as well as any of the calming modalities, like meditation, listening to relaxing music or isochronic tones, breathing exercises, EFT/Tapping, etc. Try things out and find what works for you. Just keep practicing!
These practices also help change the internal environment faster than thought alone. If your body has been on high alert for a long time, and you try to just think something like ‘I’ll be ok’, the thought generated in the brain won’t make it past the brain stem and into the body, because it’s in conflict with what the body is experiencing. This is why, during any of these practices, you should try and produce an internal environment greater than it was when before you sat down to practice. So for example, if you’re feeling anxious when you sit down to practice, keep staying in meditation until you can produce an emotional state greater than when you sat down. It doesn’t matter if it’s relief, joy, hope, excitement, etc. Just something greater than when you sat down. Use your imagination, but try to feel the new state of being as intensely as possible, for as long as possible...even if it’s only a few minutes.
Here is a great, simple breathing technique to start with:
Also, as Dispenza notes, this entire state of being is just the body caught in a fight-or-flight loop, which it ultimately becomes addicted to. You think your thoughts and actions are all ‘you’ but they aren’t. Your body is stuck in a very primal fight or flight survival response. The chemicals it produces in that state influence how you think, act, speak, and feel, and in doing so, we re-introduce stress hormones into the system. And then the loop begins.
Even if the outside is calm, the body can rage inside, like a furnace. And it will often drive back into the stress state because it has become so dependent on the release of stress hormones.
Using my dad as an extreme example, I remember him being very argumentative all the time, and always rushing everywhere. There could be one car on the highway and he’d be right up on it, swearing and red-faced.
Why? Because how else could his body get the stress hormones it had become so used to? There was no one shooting at him anymore, so he needed to constantly, unknowingly, create situations to rush, fight, etc. And then we always blame it on the external circumstance to validate the release of the stress hormones. Make sense? Dispenza’s vid should clear this up more.
I typed this all on my phone, so I hope there aren’t too many typos!
Feel free to ask any questions, but please start doing the homework immediately. Little by little you will get better, but expect some bad periods here and there as the internal fire burns out slowly.
Last edited:
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
Wow, @RogueWave , I wish I could Like this WAY more than once. Brilliant, thank you. No typos that I could see, and thank you for that as well!
Dorado
Beloved Grand Eagle
@RogueWave, that is beautiful. I 100% agree.
(And you are a brave soul for typing that up on your phone. I have had long posts get lost way too many times - I'm glad yours didn't!)
(And you are a brave soul for typing that up on your phone. I have had long posts get lost way too many times - I'm glad yours didn't!)
tgirl
Well known member
Wow, RogueWave thank you for your well thought out response and the fact you wrote it on your phone makes it even more impressive. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. Hopefully soon I’ll be in the mindset to help someone else.
As you mentioned, understanding the mind/body connection is important and I have been trying to do just that by reading books by Dr. Sarno etc. , and the defeatist attitude you referred to is a way of thinking I have adopted overtime and needs to go. I do know this. It’s almost hardwired at this point.
Being addicted to the fight or flight response is an interesting idea I will think about. Thanks again.
As you mentioned, understanding the mind/body connection is important and I have been trying to do just that by reading books by Dr. Sarno etc. , and the defeatist attitude you referred to is a way of thinking I have adopted overtime and needs to go. I do know this. It’s almost hardwired at this point.
Being addicted to the fight or flight response is an interesting idea I will think about. Thanks again.
Good start! Just be persistent, consistently
Also, keep in mind, the stress response is meant for survival. It is triggered every time the brain perceives something as threatening. The threat doesn’t matter (it could be anything stressful).
Mentally, stress hormone release causes several things to happen to brain activity: It will condense its focus on the ‘threat’, become hyper-vigilant, and it will try to predict the worst-case scenario so that you are prepared for it.
Except you don’t have a bear chasing you now, which would probably be easier because that situation wouldn’t last very long.
Instead we have our own symptoms, and then we focus on them, over-analyze them, and think the worst about them. Sound familiar?
The survival response was great for most of human existence. Life was slow, and threats didn’t occur that often.
But life has sped up exponentially, and our brains are perceiving threats all the time; bills due, what people say about you online, mortgages, insurance, blah blah blah. Again, it doesn’t matter what the threat is, it all produces the same stress response, to varying degrees. Especially if you had something stressing you regularly as a child.
Have you ever wondered why chronic pain levels are so high (and therefore we have an opiate epidemic)? How is this possible when jobs are far less physically demanding than they’ve ever been? My personal belief is that most of it is due to most people walking around in this chronic stress/tension loop.
Work hard, good luck, and keep us posted, please!
That’s because internally, that is basically what is happening. And on top of that, the body gets addicted to the stress hormones...but more on that later.
While you might have had your first anxiety attack around a medical test, it had been building up to that for a long time, as you seem to have noted, based on your history. The test just ‘tipped the cart.’
It’s not uncommon to have long periods of not feeling symptoms, and then have them show up suddenly. As I mentioned before, my Dad had severe PTSD from Vietnam, yet he has a basically normal life, until he had his first big flashback while taking a shower on a calm day....33 years after he left the war. No apparently triggers, just stuff simmering below the surface for a long time. The subconscious is a very, very interesting area. There’s a lot we don’t know, but what we can say for sure is that time is basically non-existent there. Years can go by, but deeper down the body can be experiencing past events as if they are happening now, even if we were thinking about something totally different.
I’ve refined the ‘how to get out of this’ since I posted here last. But please understand, there isn’t just one way to do it. I’m going to list what I believe to be the crucial points, but there isn’t much order to them. Do them to the best of your ability, every day, and you’ll pull yourself out of this eventually. But be forewarned, it’s probably going to take longer that you’d like it to....unless it doesn’t ;-).
I’ll number these, but they are in no particular order...although the first 2 are probably best to start with.
1. Acceptance of the mind/body diagnosis.
As you’ve done, it’s important to rule everything else out first. This is crucial, because lack of doing so will slow your progress or stop it completely. Stay off WebMD and similar sites once you have been tested for everything else.
Acceptance also means to accept the symptoms whenever they may come. This isn’t easy, especially on bad days. Do your best to observe the pains, anxiety, palpitations, or whatever you are experiencing. Fighting it, getting angry, despairing, frustrated, depressed, about them can all slow recovery, because those reactions will cause further release of stress hormones into the system.
2. Knowledge. Knowledge precedes experience, and you’re going to have to study the mind/body connection a lot. Part of this is to help reprogram your brain and body chemistry, and the other reason is to give you confidence (which also changes your biochemistry for the better). There are tons of resources on this, but my personal faves are anything by Claire Weekes, ‘Mental Health Through Will Training’ by Dr. Abraham Low, and of course any of Joe Dispenza’s books. Or you can start with this video. Pay particular attention to the beginning, where he discusses how a stress response becomes chronic:
Set aside a little time every day, even if it’s only 5 minutes, to read/reassure yourself. And then see if you can explain what you are learning to someone. If you can’t explain it clearly, study it until you can.
3. Awareness. This can get a little tricky, but you have to guard against any thoughts/actions/words that unconsciously reinforce your current situation. Stop all of them immediately:
-Defeatist mannerisms (‘this will never get better!’).
-Romantic, overly dramatic mannerisms (‘This is SO BAD. It’s the worst, I feel so awful all the time! What if it comes back? What if it never goes away?)
-Over-analytical mannerisms (time spent self-diagnosing, ‘well yesterday I had a panic attack at 11:18 after I ate a peanut, so I must have a problem with peanuts! Or maybe it was the full moon, or that argument with my sister! My great-grandmother had a nervous breakdown, so it must be my genes!).
Be aware of how often you do these things, or how often you are just focusing on you, and you’ll be surprised how often you’re doing it. At my worst I was doing these things 99.9% of every day.
ALL of them will elicit further stress hormone releases. So spot then (as Dr Low referred to it), and stop. This will take practice, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you fail a lot, especially at first. Just stop, correct, and move on.
Which brings us to...
4. Practice. This includes practicing awareness and observation of the self, as well as any of the calming modalities, like meditation, listening to relaxing music or isochronic tones, breathing exercises, EFT/Tapping, etc. Try things out and find what works for you. Just keep practicing!
These practices also help change the internal environment faster than thought alone. If your body has been on high alert for a long time, and you try to just think something like ‘I’ll be ok’, the thought generated in the brain won’t make it past the brain stem and into the body, because it’s in conflict with what the body is experiencing. This is why, during any of these practices, you should try and produce an internal environment greater than it was when before you sat down to practice. So for example, if you’re feeling anxious when you sit down to practice, keep staying in meditation until you can produce an emotional state greater than when you sat down. It doesn’t matter if it’s relief, joy, hope, excitement, etc. Just something greater than when you sat down. Use your imagination, but try to feel the new state of being as intensely as possible, for as long as possible...even if it’s only a few minutes.
Here is a great, simple breathing technique to start with:
Also, as Dispenza notes, this entire state of being is just the body caught in a fight-or-flight loop, which it ultimately becomes addicted to. You think your thoughts and actions are all ‘you’ but they aren’t. Your body is stuck in a very primal fight or flight survival response. The chemicals it produces in that state influence how you think, act, speak, and feel, and in doing so, we re-introduce stress hormones into the system. And then the loop begins.
Even if the outside is calm, the body can rage inside, like a furnace. And it will often drive back into the stress state because it has become so dependent on the release of stress hormones.
Using my dad as an extreme example, I remember him being very argumentative all the time, and always rushing everywhere. There could be one car on the highway and he’d be right up on it, swearing and red-faced.
Why? Because how else could his body get the stress hormones it had become so used to? There was no one shooting at him anymore, so he needed to constantly, unknowingly, create situations to rush, fight, etc. And then we always blame it on the external circumstance to validate the release of the stress hormones. Make sense? Dispenza’s vid should clear this up more.
I typed this all on my phone, so I hope there aren’t too many typos!
Feel free to ask any questions, but please start doing the homework immediately. Little by little you will get better, but expect some bad periods here and there as the internal fire burns out slowly.
There's gold here, @RogueWave. Thank you so much for breaking the TMS recovery concept down into such easy to follow points. I've actually printed off your answer here to refer to away from the computer. The body being addicted to stress hormones rings so true to me., and many of my earliest childhood memories are of being worried and deeply anxious and afraid, at home and especially at school. So yes, long before the TMS symptoms (predominantly IBS) , I developed addictions and eventually I had to go into a 12th step group to stop drinking. I've been sober for 26 years now.
But the ever-present anxiety and fear never went away. I'm 70 years old and have been dealing with the current symptoms for several years now and having read your post I'm asking myself the question: who actually am I if I'm not this worried woman always on the lookout for the next threat coming round the corner. What will happen if I (and my body) let go of the stress hormone addiction. Will I simply become a vacuum, or is there something more.? It's a deeply daunting question, but also I have to admit a rather exciting one.
Thank you again.
Last edited:
tgirl
Well known member
RogueWave, you mentioned the stress response being triggered, especially if I regularly had situations stressing me as a child. This rings true for me. I was often stressed and anxious, having had mysterious physical symptoms that just went away on their own ever since I can remember, maybe back as far as the age of five. Growing up in an unsettled, alcoholic family is a painful way to live. Thanks for all your great insight and I will watch the video today.
Last edited:
Duende
Peer Supporter
Hello again, I've been inactive here for 6 years, and some of you who supported me during my difficult times may no longer be here. If you are, I want to thank you first of all. I stopped posting and disappeared in 2020 with the Covid crisis, I felt great. That was a very stimulating and active period for me (unlike most people), which finally pulled me out of my ruminative thinking, because from the beginning I didn't believe the official version of the “mysterious” virus. And that's when my slow healing, which had already begun at the end of 2019 when insomnia resolved itself, solidified. I had remnants of symptoms here and there during 2020, 2021, and 2022, even some new and unknown ones, but they didn't last long, nor did they manage to grip me with fear.
From 2023 onwards, I gradually began to perceive myself as almost a new person in some way "more adult", without anxieties or worries. I found myself relaxed inside for no apparent reason, much less perfectionist and self-demanding. My habit of getting caught up in pointless arguments and fighting just to be right, disappeared. I was a little "lazy" in the best sense of the word. I fulfilled my responsibilities but worked only as much as necessary, and I spent my leisure time "wasting time" looking at trees, flowers, and birds, inviting my family over for tea, organizing picnics outdoors, and so on. I was getting to know myself as a calm woman, flowing with life, and I loved the person who was emerging, which made me very happy—a quiet happiness, regardless of external circumstances.
That's how I was when, in the spring of 2025, a very mild but persistent localized abdominal pain caught my attention. I resumed my old habit of tracking it down online, and so I began, unchecked and unfiltered, to feed my fear of cancer. My health anxiety started to grow big again, just as it had 10 years earlier, although until November 2025 I remained functional and emotionally contained. Then came the seasonal flu (which was objectively mild) and a death in my family, and from then on my symptoms escalated and gradually multiplied throughout December: anxiety and obsession, insomnia (sleeping only 3 hours every night), abdominal pain that spread to my entire pelvic area and rectum, I became obsessed with the timing of bowel movements, and a host of symptoms of nervous over-arousal (dry mouth, nausea, distorted vision, sudden hot flashes, waking up abruptly in a sweat), I lost 8 kg of weight in a very short time. Although I still had the occasional very brief "window" of feeling "normal."
I went to the doctor, who did some tests, an abdominal ultrasound, and a physical exam, and concluded that there was nothing wrong with my abdomen. Then the abdominal discomfort disappeared, but I developed a constant daily headache for weeks, in addition to the aforementioned symptoms of anxiety and stress. I consulted two neurologists separately, and both concluded that it was nothing dangerous (tension headache), and within a week, the headache subsided. But then, at the beginning of March, I noticed blood in my stool, and everything became much more complicated: the abdominal discomfort and pain returned. At the end of March, I had a colonoscopy (everything was normal, except for internal hemorrhoids), and I was at ease for 1 day. From then on, I feared other types of cancer and began to experience burning and itching on my skin. And the pain in my pelvic area, abdomen and rectum disappeared completely. I went back to the doctor and he repeated full blood tests, a full physical examination, and ordered a chest x-ray. Again, he concluded there was nothing wrong and referred me to a psychiatrist. Because of my previous history, I flatly refused psychiatric medication. I haven't seen any doctors since.
From this point on, the focus of my fear shifted: I'm no longer searching for a hidden, terminal illness, and I understood that my problem is my nervous system, now terribly affected and sensitized by my continuous fear and insomnia of 5 months. Since December, the symptoms of nervous hyperactivity have never subsided, and since this shift in focus, more and more symptoms have appeared: a diffuse general malaise, like feeling sick all the time, sensation of pressure in my head, the return of daily headaches (after being gone for 6 weeks), brutal anxiety attacks with intense crying, pain and pressure in my ears, and often ringing in my ears, sensitivity to noises and chemical smells, and shortness of breath with mild exertion. In just a couple of months, my nervous system is severely compromised. On the other hand, nausea, dry mouth, burning and itching are gone, and I've gained a little weight. I miss and it hurts to have lost the person I was until last year.
Years ago, when I was on this forum, I had learned and studied the mind-body connection extensively, but only theoretically and intellectually, because I didn't consistently put anything into practice. Now I think I've reached my rock bottom moment, and in addition to returning to my therapist, in April I started a daily program of visualization, self-talk, walks, dancing, and singing (for now, alone; perhaps later I'll be encouraged to dance and sing with others). Even though it's very difficult, I'm doing it. I'm also learning about acceptance. It's going to be a bumpy trip and I'm very afraid of the unknown, but now there are no other options.
If you've read this far, thank you.
From 2023 onwards, I gradually began to perceive myself as almost a new person in some way "more adult", without anxieties or worries. I found myself relaxed inside for no apparent reason, much less perfectionist and self-demanding. My habit of getting caught up in pointless arguments and fighting just to be right, disappeared. I was a little "lazy" in the best sense of the word. I fulfilled my responsibilities but worked only as much as necessary, and I spent my leisure time "wasting time" looking at trees, flowers, and birds, inviting my family over for tea, organizing picnics outdoors, and so on. I was getting to know myself as a calm woman, flowing with life, and I loved the person who was emerging, which made me very happy—a quiet happiness, regardless of external circumstances.
That's how I was when, in the spring of 2025, a very mild but persistent localized abdominal pain caught my attention. I resumed my old habit of tracking it down online, and so I began, unchecked and unfiltered, to feed my fear of cancer. My health anxiety started to grow big again, just as it had 10 years earlier, although until November 2025 I remained functional and emotionally contained. Then came the seasonal flu (which was objectively mild) and a death in my family, and from then on my symptoms escalated and gradually multiplied throughout December: anxiety and obsession, insomnia (sleeping only 3 hours every night), abdominal pain that spread to my entire pelvic area and rectum, I became obsessed with the timing of bowel movements, and a host of symptoms of nervous over-arousal (dry mouth, nausea, distorted vision, sudden hot flashes, waking up abruptly in a sweat), I lost 8 kg of weight in a very short time. Although I still had the occasional very brief "window" of feeling "normal."
I went to the doctor, who did some tests, an abdominal ultrasound, and a physical exam, and concluded that there was nothing wrong with my abdomen. Then the abdominal discomfort disappeared, but I developed a constant daily headache for weeks, in addition to the aforementioned symptoms of anxiety and stress. I consulted two neurologists separately, and both concluded that it was nothing dangerous (tension headache), and within a week, the headache subsided. But then, at the beginning of March, I noticed blood in my stool, and everything became much more complicated: the abdominal discomfort and pain returned. At the end of March, I had a colonoscopy (everything was normal, except for internal hemorrhoids), and I was at ease for 1 day. From then on, I feared other types of cancer and began to experience burning and itching on my skin. And the pain in my pelvic area, abdomen and rectum disappeared completely. I went back to the doctor and he repeated full blood tests, a full physical examination, and ordered a chest x-ray. Again, he concluded there was nothing wrong and referred me to a psychiatrist. Because of my previous history, I flatly refused psychiatric medication. I haven't seen any doctors since.
From this point on, the focus of my fear shifted: I'm no longer searching for a hidden, terminal illness, and I understood that my problem is my nervous system, now terribly affected and sensitized by my continuous fear and insomnia of 5 months. Since December, the symptoms of nervous hyperactivity have never subsided, and since this shift in focus, more and more symptoms have appeared: a diffuse general malaise, like feeling sick all the time, sensation of pressure in my head, the return of daily headaches (after being gone for 6 weeks), brutal anxiety attacks with intense crying, pain and pressure in my ears, and often ringing in my ears, sensitivity to noises and chemical smells, and shortness of breath with mild exertion. In just a couple of months, my nervous system is severely compromised. On the other hand, nausea, dry mouth, burning and itching are gone, and I've gained a little weight. I miss and it hurts to have lost the person I was until last year.
Years ago, when I was on this forum, I had learned and studied the mind-body connection extensively, but only theoretically and intellectually, because I didn't consistently put anything into practice. Now I think I've reached my rock bottom moment, and in addition to returning to my therapist, in April I started a daily program of visualization, self-talk, walks, dancing, and singing (for now, alone; perhaps later I'll be encouraged to dance and sing with others). Even though it's very difficult, I'm doing it. I'm also learning about acceptance. It's going to be a bumpy trip and I'm very afraid of the unknown, but now there are no other options.
If you've read this far, thank you.
Last edited:
Thanks for the update, I feel like I'm on similiar journey. I was more active on forum in 2019 and 2020, I thought that I sorted out what TMS really is, but my symptoms never improved (pain in abdomen and jaw). On the contrary, I've experienced some transient symptoms like pain in the neck/back, and some new chronic stuff like distorted vision (visual snow to be precise). But I'm more hopeful than ever. I don't believe now that it has anything with some hidden emotions, at least in my case. It's just that my hardware - my body - is healthy, but my software - my brain or rather mind - just misinterpret signals from it, even with stuff that seems like body problems - constant bloating for example, it's my mind that keeps my GI tract in constant flight or flee mode. It's good that you're learning about acceptance, I think that when it comes to people like us - people who have TMS for years of decades, even with knowledge for all this time - it's important to accept that it is what it is (at least for now!) and just live your life. I'm right now on Alan Gordon program, especially scanning my body, and pain regularly. I thinks that the key (well I quess I'm gonna discover if I'm right sooner or later!), I've always wanted to separate myself from my body, even from teenage years (I've suffered from quite bad acne, and always thought that it makes me extremely unattractive), separate myself from the pain, and all sensations. And that's just not the right path. I suggest to give it a try, give yourself a few minutes few times per day just to sit (or stand, or lie, that's irrelevant) and scan you body. I can really feel when I'm doing that, that my body is relaxing and even pain for a moment usually gets better.
@Duende @Kozas Good to hear from you! I can't believe it's been this long!! I kept meaning to check in here more regularly but the craziness of covid and just general life pushed it to the back of my mind. So I'll try and check in a bit more often if possible, although I see there are still plenty of great people here helping out.
I don't want to be repetitive, but some things do bear a bit of repeating! I'm also going to share a newer, simpler insight since I last posted. I have a peer (let's call him Bob) who is in his mid-70s, still sees patients full-time, and is sharp as a tack. In his 20s he spent a decade in India living as a monk in a monastery, mostly keeping to himself. On average he spent 8-18 hours per day meditating, 7 days a week, for all ten years. That may sound crazy, but it's true. He likes to tell me 'I think you could say I'm an expert on observing thoughts and feelings!'
So I'm going to share his description here (I use this with patients all the time, and I don't want to take credit for it). He said 'imagine the body is like a toaster, and the thoughts and feelings are the toast.' In other words, the state of the body (hormones, neurotransmitters, etc), combined with some genetics (this is usually the least percentage of these factors) plus life experience, ESPECIALLY life from birth to 7, all combine to create your 'toaster.' The brain then spontaneously produces most of your thoughts and feelings based off of that combination. And the more it does this a certain way, the better it gets at it. So if you've been in an anxiety state for a long time, that becomes it's new normal, and the body/brain will drive back towards that state. Much like an alcoholic whose body has become accustomed to a certain amount of alcohol, when deprived of it for a period of time, it will seek it out, even though the person knows it's not a good idea.
The same occurs with stress chemicals. The body has been producing them for a long time, resulting in dysfunctional body/emotional states. And so a bad 'habit' is formed. Additonally, anxiety states are just a body stuck in fight or flight, and since it's a survival response, the primal part of the brain is reluctant to come out of that state because it assumes it needs to keep you in it to keep you alive. So the two factors that contribute to making these states of being stick around are habituation (the toaster has been burning the toast for a long time!), and the reluctance of the brain to come out of that state. So in other words, you've just had a relapse. And that is totally normal.
Bob also likes to say 'after 10 years of observing thoughts and feelings around the clock I can tell you that 95% of them are absolute garbage!' This is a huge point. Do you think you're choosing all your thoughts and feelings? If that's the case, just don't ever think a negative thought again, and you're cured! But that's not how it goes. The concept here is to change the 'toaster' and the thoughts/feelings/body sensations will change around that. I had a patient who had years of panic attacks, but she fixed them inadvertently. She told me one day she just realized as awful as they were, they never harmed or killed her. As soon as she had that realization she said 'I just stopped caring if they came.' And she never had another one. She stopped dumping stress hormones into her system by literally a adopting a 'f*ck it' attitude towards them, and they ceased. Change the toaster, change the toast. Fear is the fuel.
Bob is also adamant that his patients don't try to force any changes. Effort is good, but as he said 'too much effort can raise your metabolic rate, making it harder for the body to calm down.' So find your sweet spot with this. If you try hard, can you relax? Of couse not, it's an oxymoron. Its like having a bowl of water splashing around and trying ot calm it down by sweeping your hands over it.
You have been there once, and in your DNA is the homeostasis for an ideal state of being. The toaster has just learned some bad habits, but deep down it REALLY wants to correct them forever. Just keep that in mind. Nature is on your side! Like the water analogy, it will naturally self-calibrate when we back off trying so hard.
What else changes the toaster? Simple meditation, exercise, hobbies that put your attention on the hobbies, knowledge (which you already have, but repetition helps), getting outside, etc.
You can both do this again. Your body wants its calm state back, it's just dealing with some bad habits. Steer the course, and don't forget to go live your lives. Get your swagger back.
I don't want to be repetitive, but some things do bear a bit of repeating! I'm also going to share a newer, simpler insight since I last posted. I have a peer (let's call him Bob) who is in his mid-70s, still sees patients full-time, and is sharp as a tack. In his 20s he spent a decade in India living as a monk in a monastery, mostly keeping to himself. On average he spent 8-18 hours per day meditating, 7 days a week, for all ten years. That may sound crazy, but it's true. He likes to tell me 'I think you could say I'm an expert on observing thoughts and feelings!'
So I'm going to share his description here (I use this with patients all the time, and I don't want to take credit for it). He said 'imagine the body is like a toaster, and the thoughts and feelings are the toast.' In other words, the state of the body (hormones, neurotransmitters, etc), combined with some genetics (this is usually the least percentage of these factors) plus life experience, ESPECIALLY life from birth to 7, all combine to create your 'toaster.' The brain then spontaneously produces most of your thoughts and feelings based off of that combination. And the more it does this a certain way, the better it gets at it. So if you've been in an anxiety state for a long time, that becomes it's new normal, and the body/brain will drive back towards that state. Much like an alcoholic whose body has become accustomed to a certain amount of alcohol, when deprived of it for a period of time, it will seek it out, even though the person knows it's not a good idea.
The same occurs with stress chemicals. The body has been producing them for a long time, resulting in dysfunctional body/emotional states. And so a bad 'habit' is formed. Additonally, anxiety states are just a body stuck in fight or flight, and since it's a survival response, the primal part of the brain is reluctant to come out of that state because it assumes it needs to keep you in it to keep you alive. So the two factors that contribute to making these states of being stick around are habituation (the toaster has been burning the toast for a long time!), and the reluctance of the brain to come out of that state. So in other words, you've just had a relapse. And that is totally normal.
Bob also likes to say 'after 10 years of observing thoughts and feelings around the clock I can tell you that 95% of them are absolute garbage!' This is a huge point. Do you think you're choosing all your thoughts and feelings? If that's the case, just don't ever think a negative thought again, and you're cured! But that's not how it goes. The concept here is to change the 'toaster' and the thoughts/feelings/body sensations will change around that. I had a patient who had years of panic attacks, but she fixed them inadvertently. She told me one day she just realized as awful as they were, they never harmed or killed her. As soon as she had that realization she said 'I just stopped caring if they came.' And she never had another one. She stopped dumping stress hormones into her system by literally a adopting a 'f*ck it' attitude towards them, and they ceased. Change the toaster, change the toast. Fear is the fuel.
Bob is also adamant that his patients don't try to force any changes. Effort is good, but as he said 'too much effort can raise your metabolic rate, making it harder for the body to calm down.' So find your sweet spot with this. If you try hard, can you relax? Of couse not, it's an oxymoron. Its like having a bowl of water splashing around and trying ot calm it down by sweeping your hands over it.
You have been there once, and in your DNA is the homeostasis for an ideal state of being. The toaster has just learned some bad habits, but deep down it REALLY wants to correct them forever. Just keep that in mind. Nature is on your side! Like the water analogy, it will naturally self-calibrate when we back off trying so hard.
What else changes the toaster? Simple meditation, exercise, hobbies that put your attention on the hobbies, knowledge (which you already have, but repetition helps), getting outside, etc.
You can both do this again. Your body wants its calm state back, it's just dealing with some bad habits. Steer the course, and don't forget to go live your lives. Get your swagger back.
Duende
Peer Supporter
Thanks @Kozas and @RogueWave for coming back to my thread and making your contributions. They help me keep going on my recovery.
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
@RogueWave 
! Great post, always great to hear from you. I like to remind myself how people got started here - you only ever created one thread (the rest of your posts are supporting responses ) but it's worth revisiting:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/barriers-to-recovery.27147/
! Great post, always great to hear from you. I like to remind myself how people got started here - you only ever created one thread (the rest of your posts are supporting responses ) but it's worth revisiting: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/barriers-to-recovery.27147/
@RogueWave
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/barriers-to-recovery.27147/
Thanks! Good to hear from you as well! I’m happy you’re still here. I tend to have this personality trait of being quiet for lengths of time and then having diarrhea of the mouth . So my apologies for the long-winded posts and then long periods of silence!
Covid really created and exacerbated mountains of anxiety in people, so I have quite a bit more experience now working with these patients, and as a result I’ve changed my talking points and how I present it to them. So I’ll try and check in a bit more often now.
I have to say I totally get it
@RogueWave
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/barriers-to-recovery.27147/
That's a great thread, I was mildly surprised upon seeing that I posted in it, as I don't remember that. It was "just" 3 years ago, but now I see how I kinda believed that I have TMS but really I was living under "tyranny" of my fearful brain, always checking if symptoms are not progressing or maybe there's something new, that is "true" illness. TMS can be really tricky, I think especially with people like me who are over analytical and want to grasp everything using intelligence. "Knowing" when it comes to TMS it's more a feeling than knowledge (not counting the basics of course). It took me many years to finally get it, but funnily enough I'm okay with it. Nowadays TMS and fearful side of my brain are not the drivers but merely passengers in my car, although I strongly believe sooner or later I'm finally gonna kick them out of the vehicle xD
With that mindset you definitely will! I know it’s an older book and the language is somewhat boring, but when I was going through the worst of my TMS symptoms ‘Mental Health Through Will Training’ became my Bible. I really dislike the first read through, but as I reviewed parts that resonated with me, I ended up underlining almost the entire thing.
Dr Lowe Didn’t have the luxury of Modern counseling method or Most of the drugs that are available today, So we had to fix people through helping them strengthen their will.
He has an entire chapter dedicated to the ‘inevitable relapse’ of symptoms if you’re interested.
He also talked about the two types of minds that were most susceptible to TMS symptoms: One being the ‘romantic’ mind, and the other being the ‘intellectual’ (and a third one that was just a combination of those two).
Simply put, the romantic mind overdramaticizes symptoms, and the intellectual mind overanalyzes them. In both instances, the end result is that the body dumps more stress hormones into the system because it is perceiving the symptoms to be a huge threat, and it is simply responding accordingly. That’s the real ‘funny’ thing about TMS. The survival mechanism is actually doing what it’s supposed to do…it’s just responding to the intensity of perceived threats. But it stays turned on because we do not consciously interject, and therefore allow fear to run the whole thing, which results in the constant dumping of stress hormones into the system, ultiamtely creating and keeping symptoms around.