Layne,
I believe you wrote on one of the posts a question about a something spiritual. You asked to post it privately.
I am not sure how to do that but maybe you can tell me how, so I could respond.
G.R.
As I read your story, several things you said resonated with me...almost as if I could have written them myself. Welcome to this site. You are in the right place. We do have the ability to heal ourselves!
You might want to look into ISTDP (Instantaneous Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy) as practiced in Howard Schubiner's workbook, Unlearn Your Pain, and accompanying meditation CD. Alan Gordon, who practices ISTDP, works with patients to get them to experience old rages against their "inner bully".