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Unwanted / Undesired Sex and TMS

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by camera, Jun 11, 2018.

  1. camera

    camera Peer Supporter

    I noticed many years ago that some of my symptoms would flare up when I had sexual encounters with someone I wasn't attracted to and had no desire for. I kept trying to brush off the connection between the symptoms and the physical exposure. (I did make some goodism excuses in the beginning)

    When it happened recently, I've found it hard to ignore the connection. I've felt really horrible feelings in my body since then and worse sensations when I'm around him. I'm still not sure if this is all coincidence. I'm irritable, feel a sort of suffocated rage that I can't get out, feel like I can't breathe deeply, feel like snapping at the sight and sound of his voice and mannerisms (kind of like an irritability that overcomes my body), feel a sort of floaty, numb, skin-crawly sensation in parts of my body that lead to a general sense of discomfort and a general feeling that I can't feel relaxed in my body. Also, twitchiness associated with that inability to relax my body. I've also been procrastinating a lot and having trouble doing what I need to do. In the past, I used to feel irritability after it happened, including extreme heightened sensitivities to sound that could lead me into a rage so painful that it felt uncontrollable.

    I tried doing a search to see if there was anything in these forums on sex and found nothing. Would love any thoughts on this. Also, I live with him and would love to leave and live some fantasy of a wonderful life, but I don't have anywhere to go, and I'm dependent on him to watch out for me due to health problems and low income.
  2. sbmumford

    sbmumford Peer Supporter

    Wow, that's a tough one. It sounds like the first problem is figuring out how to leave a toxic relationship, or there's no firm base/safe space for healing. Your dependency isn't doing you any good; at least it doesn't sound like his watching out for you is worth the anger it's generating on your part.
    camera and JanAtheCPA like this.
  3. untangledweb

    untangledweb Peer Supporter

    I know all about this. Please PM me. It’s a long story, but one I think will give you some perspective
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  4. Andy B

    Andy B Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Untangledweb,

    I think it is great that you're making this connection. Yes, the difference between how we behave and how we really feel down deep creates the "Tension" in TMS. I think this is especially true in sexual behaviors, because it is vulnerable, intimate, and entails a desire to "being loved." On top of that you have basic survival conflicts between what you would choose from your heart vs what you perceive you need to do for life support.

    The first step is making the connections, as you're doing. A huge amount of TMS healing can be done with simple awareness of how the symptoms are related to emotional reality, rather than thinking symptoms are physically caused. This is the basic work, and you're doing it!

    If life changes come about, it will be with time and love for your life.

    Andy B
    camera, JanAtheCPA and untangledweb like this.
  5. untangledweb

    untangledweb Peer Supporter

    It’s interesting. I would look back on my past and not be able to make the emotional connections and pain. Actually, I would look back on my past and not be able to remember very much of it in any detail it all. I don’t think I was present for it.
    When I was dating my ex-husband, I got in a small accident and was hit on the driver side. A day or two later I woke up with the worst migraine ever. I have never had migraines before that. I was certain that it was a car accident and if I could just go to a chiropractor and get my neck adjusted, I’d be fine, but I wasn’t. I did everything up to and including surgery on my neck trying to find some relief. There wasn’t any. The symptoms also started getting worse and worse when I was around my ex-husband. They started getting worse throughout the day, when I was at work and went intensify right before I went home to see him. He liked to go away for romantic weekends and as soon as I would get in the truck with him the pain would start and be blinding. I had to pretend like nothing was wrong because by then he was picking up on the connection, pop a couple Sudafed‘s, I think that was it at the time, and go on like it was nothing.
    In hindsight and in really connecting TMS pain and situations of my past, I have finally been able to connect the dots.
    When I was in the car accident and hit from the side, I smacked my head on the window. That threw me back into my childhood, where abuse would be being unexpectedly slamed sideways into the wall and my head hitting the wall. I knew I was in trouble and I had no idea what I did.
    I tryed to always stay away from men that reminded me of my father. I thought my ex-husband was one of those men when in all actuality he had the same energy of my father. I hated to go anywhere with my father, especially if it was a vacation.
    I still have a bit of vacation anxiety to this day. I’m going to California to dog sit at the end of July. After I made that commitment a couple months ago, a lot of weird painful things started coming up. At first, I thought it was just the “fear of commitment”. Afraid some weird pain thing would come up and I wouldn’t be able to do it. Now, I think that it has to do with the whole weird TMS stress/pain cycle.
    If you have any suggestions I’d appreciate it.
    Sorry about the ramble :)
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2018
    camera likes this.
  6. Andy B

    Andy B Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi untangledweb,

    It seems to me you're really onto the how and why of the onset of the migraines. This is a huge piece in itself, and begins to undermine the need for symptoms --because you're seeing the real cause. Continuing this inquiry into your upcoming vacation should be fruitful!

    Andy B
    untangledweb likes this.
  7. camera

    camera Peer Supporter

    Yes, I've thought that as well. I keep going back and forth in my thinking, really, never sure of myself. But if it was easy to leave and just go somewhere I would leave right away. But where do I go? I have no family, no relatives, and I cant imagine a happy life, no matter where I go. Cant see any point to my life at all. I'm trying to work towards goals, especially to get a higher paying job, but find it really hard to focus because I cant get over feeling that I cant escape my life or my feelings, if that makes sense.
  8. GetBusyLiving

    GetBusyLiving Newcomer

    I strongly urge you to seek out Gabor Mate's book 'When the body says NO'. There's a lot of YouTube content you can start with from Gabor Mate as well.

    Your body is weeping and crying out on your behalf.
  9. camera

    camera Peer Supporter

    Wow, I have a similar thing with the poor memory. For the same reason, I felt I had difficulty connecting my symptoms with my physical interactions with him. I had lots of amnesia since meeting him, but I don't know if it was because of him. It was horrible to look back on it and realize...what was I doing with my life?

    Interesting the connection you made with the migraines and with vacations. I have so many reactions like that. I dont know what would help you. Maybe meditating or deep breathing when those things come up? I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

    I also swore as a kid that I'd avoid angry people like my family. Mine was different from my family in many ways, but the same in that he was emotionless, had no values, no life, little desire for friends or relationships, etc. So it was ok to have no life and nothing to care about or live for, whereas I was considered mentally ill if I felt a strong desire to have a life. It was a lot of psychological torment and a wasted life. Not to mention draining to be around him.
  10. camera

    camera Peer Supporter

    Yes, I did read it years ago, when the symptoms were at their worst. But I was so disconnected from myself that I didnt make the connection with the stories. Having a bad memory probably didn't help. How do I escape being "good" in the wrong way? How do I know when I'm being too "good"? How do I know myself and what's best for me? Or am I just blinded by my needs for comfort, connection, certainty and dependency? All I get is confusion.

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