Symptom imperative on hyperdrive

The symptom imperative is throwing everything at me today after I lived a "normal" day yesterday. Every symptom. Everything. UGH.

 

Dixie,

You have some amazing PROOF that you have TMS. Just because things are going all whacky right now doesn’t mean you’re not getting closer to freedom. Everyone says healing is nonlinear. It’s unpredictable and even unexplainable how our TMS brains fight this out with us. We just have to keep at it.

This is a great quote from Crushing Doubt, by Dan Ratner that I read the other day:

“When you begin to embrace confidence, doubt often increases to try to keep its hold on you. Knowing that the symptom imperative or other forms of doubt appear just when you’re about to get powerful can keep you less concerned and undeterred. Stay determined and excited about power and you’ll break through to a whole new life.”

 

Thank you so much, Diana. I was just rereading part of Alan Gordon's book today about extinction bursts and this seems along the lines of the Ratner quote.
So I have been trying to welcome the symptoms today...as much as I can, at least. I had so many days of clear vision and so many good periods ofemotional regulation -- that must have really made my TMS brain feel threatened. So it's pulling out the big guns now. So I'm trying to say, Oh, an extinction burst -- this is awesome! Instead of, Oh no, my body is falling apart!
Oh, an extinction burst! This is awesome.

 

I know how frustrating it is. It’s pure torture to feel what freedom feels like, then have it taken away. Earlier this year, I had my cramped up arms and hands release. Overnight! I was ecstatic! Then a few weeks later, they went right back. I was devastated and wondered WHY?!!!! But I realized being mad about it wasn’t helping me at all. I need to be strong enough for the long haul. Now I just think about it as this: I was lucky enough to learn that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I CAN get better. And even overnight. So how can I help my TMS brain to want to do that again?

 

Wow, that is amazing evidence, Diana! So hard to have it go back to cramped up, though, as you say. But gosh. It absolutely CAN and WILL get better.
The thing that amazes me is that my brain will go back to fearful patterns of thinking despite strong evidence that my symptoms are from TMS. It's so illogical. I guess that's what the primitive brain is -- illogical!
I'm so grateful for the Camino because the evidence from that trip was so strong. Your beach trip, too!
Hang in there, and we'll keep encouraging each other.
One thing that's funny is that my brain seems to be giving up on certain symptoms. I've had a lot more visual clarity lately and more success at ignoring blurriness or even laughing at it. So it's throwing derealization and other weird visual symptoms at me instead of blurriness. And I keep saying to myself, But Dixie, can you see? Because honestly, the only answer is YES, however uncomfortable it might be.

 

Also, naturally, my eyes went blurry right after I wrote this. HA TMS!!

 

Just ran into this in Hope and Help for Your Nerves. By Claire Weekes. Page 179 Kindle version. It’s where she’s describing various symptoms of nervous illness. Thought you might be interested, if you haven’t seen it.

“TRICKS OF VISION In addition he may complain that his sight is affected, that objects appear blurred and thrown into shadow. To remedy this he may keep blinking and screwing up his eyes. Certain objects may appear covered with a shimmering haze like that seen on a hot asphalt road in summer; or they may move spasmodically when viewed from the corner of the eye. Bright light may irritate and he may seek the relief of dark glasses. His everyday glasses need constant readjustment and it is difficult to find a satisfactory pair. This is not surprising since his vision, related as it is to nervous tension, may vary with each examination.”

 

Yes! Claire Weekes is SO incredible. I actually came across that passage a few months ago and it made me feel so relieved! I've read it over a million times since. Especially "His everyday glasses need constant readjustment and it is difficult to find a satisfactory pair."