everything was so fine, I was so confident. And then I needed days off from work, felt kind of sick and exhausted. And of course, yesterday my bladder pain started. It’s a bit different than usual, this makes me anxious that it might be a real infection. That needs testing, waiting for the result, insecurity... you see what is going on. I have a panic attack, feeling my heart beat, feel a bit sick and not being able to focus. And I am close to just cry, out of frustration, anger, pity, whatever ... What I will do? Accept it, first thing. Next thing: feel it. And then: ask why? I will go to a friends dinner today, I have the tendency to stay at home, but I know that this is fear talking. Now a bit of analysis: I had the need to stay at home because I experience serious competition at work from a younger and right now very succesful colleague. As things are he will be promoted and in the case of reducing staff, my guess is that they will fire me. I am maybe not first in line, but anyway, the thought freaks me out. I really don’t know what to do without this job, I will never get the same kind of job. I will have to settle for much less. So, this happened: I had to celebrate my succesful colleague with the others and inside I am jealous and scared. I envy him for the luck he had, which is partly because of I gave him the chance, I could see the potential in him. So, at work the same happens as in my private life: I helped my ex-husband to have his career (and made my own as well), then he has a huge midlife crisis, accuses me to have ruined his life etc.. I asked for divorce (still best decision) and he is having a new life with new wife and children. And me? I try to find a new partner, but it is difficult. And since 4 years or so I simply gave up to go on dating sides etc. I had so much pain and how can I explain to a man that I deal with this bladder pain now and then? I made so many mistakes in my life. And now I am soon turning 57 and I feel like trapped. Ok, one doesnt need to be a psychotherapist to see why I still have bouts of pain. And while writing this I also start to see things clearer. I think I need to journal more. Thanks for reading!