Day 10 Hiding Emotions

There are lots of people I hide my emotions from. I definitely hide them from my guitar player. We are very opposite people in many ways- I like to be on time (early), time is relative to him. I like cleanliness and organization, he's lazy, dirty and disorganized. He frustrates me on so many levels and in so many ways, I could write a book about how angry he makes me. On top of spending countless hours in a van/hotel room or on a a stage together, we also live together. I usually hide my emotions from him for these reasons: I know he'll instantly get defensive if I express any criticism; I live at his mom's house so I don't feel like I have the right to criticize; I think I'm being over critical and I should just be cool; people won't like me if I'm not cool; I should be the bigger person and just deal with it; my anger isn't valid because I'm messed up or it's my fault; it won't make any difference anyway. Him and his mom both frustrate the hell out of me. They enable each other in so many ways. In fact I think our band would be a lot more successful if my guitar player wasn't so lazy and self sabotaging. I hide a lot of anger from him cause I don't want to rock the boat or I think my anger is wrong or not valid.
I also hide my emotions from women that intimidate me (which are usually the ones I want to date). I was rejected, made fun of and hurt a lot by girls when I was younger, usually soon after I showed them my emotions. So I learned to put up that wall of safety until I trusted someone. Even then, once I showed my true emotions, I would often feel judged or crazy. So now, I just assume every girl I'm interested in will reject and make fun of me. I often just avoid even talking to them out of total fear and projected self criticism.
I also just hide my emotions from all people in general. I spend a lot of time around people for my job and they often are drunk and want to talk my ear off at set break. I'll sit there and try to be nice for as long as I can but in reality, I absolutely hate listening to drunk people ramble. I love a good conversation, but I honestly think talk is over rated. I also withhold emotions in my other day to day interactions. If the barista at the coffee shop ignores me forever or somebody cuts in line at the supermarket, I just say "no worries, it's cool" even though I might actually be really angry or annoyed by their actions. I guess the pattern I'm seeing here is that I don't think my emotions are valid so I stuff them down. Whether it's anger with a bandmate or emotions of the romantic sort, I guess I subconsciously feel that I shouldn't feel those feelings and that I definitely shouldn't show those feelings to the outside world or else people might judge me.

 

Hi BamBa,
I enjoy reading your self-reflection here. I sometimes say that TMS is caused by the friction between what we feel and what we think we should feel... Funny how fuzzy the awareness is in this grey zone between actually being aware of what we are feeling, and sort of kidding ourselves. Seems like you are onto a lot of truth about your life lately.
Andy B.