From tooth to bladder to hand...

Hi Folks,

I'm writing with a slightly fatigued state of mind, and I'm not after any specific answers - but if you're minded to chime in with any observations, I would be grateful.

I've got a history of TMS, most notably about nine years ago when a terrible foot pain struck my right foot while out walking one day. There then followed 18 months of me trying everything from exercises to insoles to, at a particularly low point, basting my foot in a mixture of cayenne pepper and oil to help with the 'inflammation.' An MRI eventually found there was nothing wrong with my foot, at which point it quietened down. I've also had knee pain, elbow pain, hip bursitis, diarrhoea, occasional fatigue, hayfever, asthma, depression, anxiety....basically, at least half the entire appendix of Steve Ozanich's 'Great Pain Deception.' Recently, I had an episode where my tooth was hurting badly. Turned out that my dental implant had mysteriously unscrewed itself inside my gum, which cost me money and worry and time. That went away so naturally I developed frequent urination, which led me into all sorts of panic and money and time - plus two GP appointments, neither of which showed infection. Now, I'm feeling very fatigued with a weakness in my arms and hands, that I'm tracking with detached interest - I can hold and grip things without issues, but there's a 'feeling.' And of course, it's captured my attention, and I'm once again trying to say, 'no brain, we're not doing this, you're safe, we're okay.' Sometimes the discomfort is in my shoulder, or forearm, or sometimes it goes to my sacroiliac joint, or briefly into my right arm, and I'm just watching it move about, trying (and admittedly succeeding) in getting my attention. I'm also wishing I could have my frequent urination back, so good is the symptom imperative at making us worry. The more intolerable it becomes, the more you look for answers and become invested. Nothing gets worse, it just moves somewhere else, so my respite from X pain becomes instead Y weakness or Z irritability.

My personal life isn't great - my partner's youngest daughter went off to university last week, leaving us looking at each other without distraction. I have an ageing mother, an ageing dog, and an unfulfilling career that induces resentment every day. I am mid-life, and a woman, so there are various chickens coming home to roost, and changes that I myself cannot change. It is a painful time. I have a stammer, and a diagnosis of cPTSD. I have a lovely, charming outer and a bleak, angry interior. I want to seem as though I'm good, when I mostly feel bad or resentful.

I needed to get this down, somewhere it'll be understood and perhaps 'held.' So, thanks for reading.

 

Hi @Sarah79
I’m glad you are recognizing TMS. You also mention Ozanich’s book.
Do you ever focus more on Sarno’s book? Or have you looked into any of Ozanich’s later work?
Two things stand out for me. Sarno’s rage factor - the concerns you list at the end of your post make me really think that this is playing up in your life.. we talk a lot about age-rage here in recent times. Also Ozanich’s later focus on mind/body and spirit. In his books he is very forceful with his healing, and I’ve heard him say that this isn’t the path he’d recommend for others. He seems much more gentle and relaxed in later writing and footage I’ve seen of him talking.
Have you ever done the Structured Educational Program? Might be worth a try to either complete or use it as a refresher along with Ozanich’s writing. You are in a time of transition, and the world is a very hard place to set a young person free into these days. Consider that your feelings of change have something to do with the commonality of your daughter within the relationship and also the change in your habitual behavioral patterns around this family dynamic. You now have time and headspace to focus on you, which is a new concept to folks who are conditioned to focus on others.

 

Hi @Cactusflower, and thanks for your compassionate, helpful reply.

Just to note - the daughter mentioned isn't mine; she's my partner's, and has no contact with her actual mother, so I have moved into a quasi-maternal role with her. Seeing her off at the weekend was very emotional for me, and I'm not sure why, but I wonder if the age I am, and the relative impossibility of having children, has created a grief (and thus a rage....) alongside everything else. Her mother, who's an alcoholic, is someone I've never met but whose absence has had an impact on the quality of my life and relationship with respect the parenting I've ended up doing. I've also watched, with increasing anger, the way that my partner and his daughter (and her two sisters) interact; it's a dreadful dynamic, full of codependency and guilt. I am picked up and put down to suit their various states of overwhelm. I feel like an accessory and maybe if I was younger and a little invincible, I would call time on it. But for now <swallows tears and complaints> I get on with it.

I've only read Sarno's work once - I think it might be time to reread it. I love Ozanich's writing, as so much of it chimes with me; my id is raging, while my superego is faffing about making sure I seem unfailingly nice to everyone. I'm shutting down in my relationship to a degree, because I'm not getting the emotional validation I need, and I can sense that becoming this internalised, leaden weight in me - I'd rather plough on with the appearance of a relationship, rather than face endings and abandonment (more grief, more rage..).

I'll go back to the SEP tonight.

With thanks

 

Let’s face it! Your “semi-maternal role” is as a Mom! She is in many ways the daughter of your heart. Perhaps that is another place to look for some surprising insights. The internal conflicts we face, that “spiritual” side of us (regardless of faith) is often who we truly are vs who we think we are. Of course you are emotional! You love her! It seems like you also grieve this dysfunction that you are caught in the middle of. How flipping rageful it all is. Have you ever looked into boundaries and boundary setting? What do you feel is your role in that mess? Are you a people pleaser, or do you just use an escape hatch and distract yourself from all those giant emotions rolling around? Where do you find peace, piece of mind, worthiness, love, etc? Your reason (daughter/not daughter was a reason to keep yourself in this turmoil. There are ways to stay and find your peace within it, or make other changes and adjustments that benefit you.

Journaling can help you sort it all out. The SEP will be a great introduction to that, and your identification with Ozanich’s work.
You might also look into Dani Fagan, a British TMS practitioner who is starting to look into “next level” healing work. She has noticed many TMS folks have not had opportunity to expand our internal skills beyond basic TMS work. I’m talking interpersonal work around beliefs, internal narratives, triggers etc. Ways to drop the coping mechanisms that don’t work for us and embrace new methods that do.

 

Hi, Sarah,
Although some aspects of your story differ from mine, the essence was very familiar to me. I could feel for you—very much. All of it. I think it’s pretty much the tale of TMS. The sticky ball of yarn you need to unwind to get at the heart of it all. And like @Cactusflower said, journaling is a huge help. Write, write, write. Anything that comes to mind. No editing. Say ANYTHING on paper. All your truest thoughts. Then, tear it up and throw it away. Do it again the next day. Clarity will start to come. I think you already know a lot. You hinted at the worst parts. The traps. Feeling trapped can surely cause rage. But there are so many ways to find peace. It’s a journey. You really have no idea how this will all play out. But your body is telling you that your “happy” exterior is coming at a price. You’re being invited to get real. Real is better. Even if it might rock everyone’s boat for a while. Don’t be afraid of your TMS. I think you’ll get this. I can sense you’re on the right track. In the end, things will be better and your life will be better.