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Dealing With Guilt

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by Stock Trader, Jun 27, 2013.

  1. Stock Trader

    Stock Trader Peer Supporter

    Guilt is one of the emotions that causes TMS. Guilt consists of the feelings that many people have for things that they regret having done. Many people with TMS tend to feel guilty for many things they have done and they have a difficult time letting go of that guilt or forgiving themselves, even though they will quickly forgive others for similar actions. You need to notice your guilt emotion without judging it or reacting to it, accept the guilt as just guilt, and let it go and be kind to yourself, show self compassion and forgive yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat your own child. Also notice the kind of guilt one feels for the anger that is held towards others, especially to our parents, siblings, spouses, and children. Letting go of this guilt is critical in order to heal from TMS. Guilt is an emotion that we must notice as well as anger and let it go.
     
    Msunn, North Star, Ellen and 3 others like this.
  2. trypp

    trypp Peer Supporter

    Guilt, I think, is a major factor for me. ... or at least something very close to guilt. I tend to get very distracted at work and have difficulty getting things done. But it is time to start forgiving myself. The job insecurity I face is hard enough, why worsen it by holding guilt and shame over my head? I worry and feel shame to try and make myself feel better, but who does the worry and guilt help? Not me.

    I will try to do this.
     
  3. Solange

    Solange Well known member

    Stock Trader, I liked your thoughts on guilt. I have loads of the stuff and find it difficult to forgive myself but if I think, would I want my son/friend to feel guilty and burdened by this issue or would I tell them to forgive themselves , it becomes easier to see what I should do for myself. You are so right that we can be much harder on ourselves than on other people sometimes.
    Trypp, I imagine that the job insecurity and TMS you have would make it a real challenge for anyone to stay focussed at work so ditch the guilt, it is sure to be making everything worse.
     
  4. Forest

    Forest Forum Administrator

    Stock Trade, you are full of amazing insights! I have always thought that guilt is the mask our repressed feelings wear. We feel guilty because we difficulty allowing certain emotions. Accepting our guilt and more importantly, being kind to ourselves is what this process is all about. Recovering from TMS has taught me a lot about myself, and changed me in many ways. Perhaps one of the most meaningful changes has been that I don't feel as guilty when I do feel anger. The more we learn to allow our emotions, the more we reduce our level of guilt.
     
  5. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Guilt really is one of the gorillas on our backs, much bigger than a monkey.
    I didn't realize for years what guilt I carried in my subconscious for not being able
    to care for my elderly mother longer than two years before I gave up. She just couldn't be pleased
    or satisfied, no matter how much I tried.

    When she asked me to go out in a blizzard and get her a can of sauerkraut and some other items
    from a supermarket, I dutifully did what she asked. When I returned with the groceries she groaned and said,
    "I wanted sauerkraut with caraway seeds." That did it and I called my brother and asked him to find a
    new place for Mom to live. I didn't what guilt I kept repressed after that, but it surfaced about a year ago
    by giving me severe back pain. I finally recovered following Dr. Sarno's advice that our pain most likely
    is caused by repressed emotions.

    So whatever guilt you feel, try to forgive the causes, usually some person we just couldn't satisfy or help.
    At the same time, forgive yourself. I did everything I could to cope with my demanding mother. Now I just let it go.
     
    Msunn and North Star like this.
  6. Richsimm22

    Richsimm22 Well known member

    Thanks guys this post helped alot
     
  7. North Star

    North Star Beloved Grand Eagle

    Stock Trader, what great thoughts! Growing up, I thought my mom cornered the market on making me feel guilty. ("Do it because you love me…")

    I realize now, as a parent, that the guilt she wielded so handily was very likely representative of the guilt SHE herself packed around.

    As a parent, my most vulnerable area is guilt over my parenting. Learning that my kids will make their own choices and accepting that I am not, nor will I ever be, a perfect parent. In homeschooling circles especially, there's a parade of "perfect" parents eager to out do one another with their children's accomplishments. The guilt can flow freely until you realize we're all struggling.

    Learning to love and forgive myself…flaws and all..is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's a journey!

    Thanks again, Stock Trader.
     
    Ellen, Msunn and Lily Rose like this.
  8. LindaRK

    LindaRK Well known member

    I agree - great post. I, too, have a load of guilt - over parenting my kids, over parenting my parents (yes, if you can believe that) .... over any and everything. The more I educate myself on TMS, the more I realize that guilt indeed plays a big part in it.
     
    Ellen likes this.
  9. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle

    Oh, yes, guilt....a huge factor for me in my TMS. I struggle to know how to address it. I've adopted a technique I picked up from the interview with Donna Jackson Nakagawa on her new book the Last Best Cure. She states that a therapist once told her to put up post-it notes around her house that say 'Forgiven'. So I now have these scattered around the house. It's too early to say if they are helping, but they do make me consciously aware several times a day of the need to forgive myself.

    Now I just need to remember to take these notes down before people come over. Though I suppose everyone can relate to this issue, I don't want to have the conversation with everyone. :)
     
    Kathi and honeybear424 like this.
  10. chickenbone

    chickenbone Well known member

    I know that I have a lot of guilt about my difficult relationships with my mother and sister. This is behind much of my TMS.
     
  11. sarah430

    sarah430 Peer Supporter

    Raising my hand as someone else who is dealing with a lot of guilt lately. Thank you so much for this post!! While I've been aware of the guilt over the past few months, I don't think I'd truly made the connection to TMS. But thinking more about it now, this may be the key for me.

    Some of my current issues with guilt include not working as hard as I could at my job and being removed physically and emotionally from my very elderly parents who live out of state. There's more but those are the main ones. Big confession: At work, I basically get the job done, but I've also figured out how to look good to my boss while letting co-workers pick up the slack. I actually feel terrible about this, but I'm sort of paralyzed by it too, since I have a lot of other frustrations with my job. And with my parents, I actually have always had a pretty good relationship with them, but hate myself for feeling distant from them emotionally as well as physically.

    So yes, *lightbulb moment* guilt plays a huge role.
     
  12. tigerlilly

    tigerlilly Well known member

    This is an interesting post, as I've recently been pondering my feelings of guilt. I recently meditated on this and kept digging deeper and had an aha moment - my guilt goes deeper than guilt. It was shame. Pondering and feeling and understanding this actually led to some breakthrough in healing for me. I felt that it was important to understand this in order to truly forgive myself, and to recognize the patterns that have created the guilt and the shame. Just wanted to share - something to consider.

    I found the following information online doing a search of "guilt vs. shame." Interesting read. Thought this was a good link, too: http://www.ihrindy.com/7-differences-between-shame-and-guilt/

    Although many people use these two words interchangeably, from a psychological perspective, they actually refer to different experiences. Guilt and shame sometimes go hand in hand; the same action may give rise to feelings of both shame and guilt, where the former reflects how we feel about ourselves and the latter involves an awareness that our actions have injured someone else. In other words, shame relates to self, guilt to others. I think it's useful to preserve this distinction, even though the dictionary definitions often blur it:

    Guilt:

    a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

    Shame:

    the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another
     
    Ellen and LindaRK like this.
  13. honeybear424

    honeybear424 Well known member

    I have little purple notes all over my house as well, Ellen! :)

    I listened to that interview last Friday and immediately ordered the book on Audible. I am on the last chapter and am finding that lots of her story resonates with me. Only problem is, my family cannot tolerate the narrator's voice, and so I have only been able to listen while I am alone. Still, highly recommend!
     
    Ellen likes this.
  14. Steve Ozanich

    Steve Ozanich TMS Consultant

    Spoiler alert! In the next to last paragraph of my book I stated what I believe causes TMS, pg. 339.

    And--it has much to do with those dark thoughts that trouble healers think they don't possess....

    Steve
     
    LindaRK likes this.
  15. tigerlilly

    tigerlilly Well known member

    Those words of wisdom are highlighted and being studied. I just finished the book 10 minutes ago and now I look forward to going back through it again and again as needed. Such a gem - thanks for all the time and detail you put into this, SteveO!
     
  16. Steve Ozanich

    Steve Ozanich TMS Consultant

    Thanks for the kind words tgrllcykmdzsyct, It always feels good to hear a thank you for writing it. The best thank yous come in the form of "Steve I feel great, I have my life back!!!"

    Now that you have the big picture, go back and read it again with new eyes, from a new perspective. People reading it once aren't getting the most out of it, like when I read Dr. Sarno's dozens and dozens and dozens of times. It took a decade of talking to experts in many fields, historians, college professors, spiritual gurus, begging for doctors to respond, and thousands of hours of talking to sufferers. But it has paid off a million times over already with the healing stories that are streaming in. My goal in writing was to serve as an example so that others could see it was possible, and to get them back to their lives and happy again.

    So far I have email from people in 13 countries healing from it. Right now there are several very famous people reading it, but I don't yet have permission to say their names, I'm working on getting permission.

    See you on March 25 here at the most exciting place on the planet, the TMS Wiki (some viewer discretion advised, not suitable for children under the age of 85)

    Review the book (if you liked it). Those testimonials move the TMS cause along, become part of the movement. Thankfully famous folks have health problems just like you and me.
     
  17. tigerlilly

    tigerlilly Well known member

    Hi Steve - Don't think I didn't notice your sarcasm in the spelling of my name above! haha! I'll make it easy for you - it's Tiger-lily-cat without any vowels. I think I will go and change it to make it easier for everyone!

    Yes, I plan to review the book on Amazon but didn't want to rush my review - this book is such a gem that I wanted to compose my thoughts to give it the justice that it deserves. If there are other places to offer up a review I'll be happy to add it there as well - and you can feel free to use my testimonial as needed.

    I look forward to the March 25th call. So far I've missed every call due to my schedule, but I do plan to be on this one.

    I think the only chapter that I didn't connect with or completely understand is Chapter 19 on "Separation and Rage at 26 Months." Would you be implying that perhaps when I came out of my mothers womb and the docs/nurses whisked me away to clean me up, that this could have been the separation issue? I wasn't breast fed (wasn't fashionable in those days). Could that be it? I don't recall any separation or abandonment issues, and have even asked my mom if anything could have happened that would have laid the groundwork for potential issues (she can't think of anything). She says I was not a snuggly touchy baby - I didn't like to be coddled. And as well as I get along with my mom (and always have), I've never been one to want to be intimate with her - no holding hands or openly saying 'I love you' and not wanting to share intimate details of my life with her. (I'm 41 years old now). I have one older brother (2.5 years older) - we always got along and never had any issues competing for mom and dads attention. So - just trying to figure out if Chapter 19 is a piece of the puzzle for me, and if so, how do I figure it out? Or do I? I don't remember infancy, obviously! :)
     
  18. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Steve can answer your final question better in the above post, but I recall some recent studies that say that
    even though we can't remember our earliest days or years, our unconscious mind knows them and they may well
    have been anxieties, stress, our mothers felt when we were in her womb. She may even have gotten them when in
    her mother's womb.
     
  19. Steve Ozanich

    Steve Ozanich TMS Consultant

    Hi tiger lily cat, I started to spell your name out but got lost in the consonants. Ironic isn't it? You have a cat name and a picture of a dog. The divided mind strikes again.

    You never know what pieces of a book will connect with people. You can't imagine how many people have connected with that chapter 19. I will take an unscientific guess and say that was the chapter that most of the people have connected with. That guy that wrote the 2 articles on Dr. Sarno in Forbes', Ed, called me to say chapter 19 was the one that really clicked with him. His puzzle began coming together.

    Perhaps you just missed some subtle things because there's so much there, and by the end people become weary. McKenzie's point is that there doesn't have to be an abandonment for the child to feel abandoned. He said there are literally thousands of ways that a child can perceive abandonment, such as the mother going to the store, or on a visit, etc. It's perception only, as Tinker wrote, "Through the Eyes of A Child." The child never knows if the mother is coming back. Plus, as Freud stated, and I quoted, a child in its greed does not like to share the affection of its mother with siblings. McKenzie's work on phylogeny and ontology was also seminal like Dr. Sarno.

    Then there's the original birth of the flesh. This is the first separation anxiety as seen by the "child." I've spoken with spiritual leaders who proclaim that the first separation anxiety comes from separation from God. But the point is, we do remember our separation from mother at birth, it's hard wired in. We are completely helpless at that moment, and the most vulnerable, and so it's the most dangerous state to be in. McKenzie proved in that study I cited, with 9000 patients, and 40 years of testing that we re-create those very same neurotransmitters that were firing at the time of first helplessness with each and every subsequent separation, like clockwork. But as he told me, "it's a natural state of existence and cannot be helped." So--it's the beginning of that darkness I speak of, and the fear is born in order to expand the spirit. It's life.

    I'm interested in your brother. He's in that dangerous 2.5 gap.

    You should have connected with the chapters on the T personality, because they're by and large un-demonstrative within the family units. That doesn't mean everything or everyone holds at 100%, but that's the norm for sure. TMS forms from a lack of expression of the Self, as the person is frozen.

    Good luck in your journey,

    Steve
     
  20. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Interesting thoughts, Steve, the two big separations: one when we are separated from God at birth and the other when we leave
    the womb and are separated from our mother.

    But we are not really separated from God at birth. He stays with us all our lives. We just have to believe that.
     

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