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Dark Dance with Rage

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by Lily Rose, Sep 4, 2017.

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  1. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    Rage terrifies me. In others, and in myself. It is the one area where I shy away in revulsion and dismay.

    Yet .... it persists in dancing around me in a dark waltz.
    ~~
    Recently, I re-wrote a seven year period of my life, changing the 'antagonist' of the story into a man who could be reached with love and attention and compassion. In my new story, he became a true father figure (he still had his dark demons). The writing of this story was both painful and joyful. It caused me to delve deep, and see the situation through adult eyes. No single person is 'all bad' or 'all good'. Within everyone, even the vilest, there can be found some redeeming qualities. While in 'this reality', he wanted me dead ... in my new one, he just wanted love. There is a theory that all possible scenarios actually exist in various dimensions. I like to think that my new story actually does exist. I remember both histories now, and I can love him for what he might have been. No fear exists here anymore. Only a soft sorrow that we could not have better connected.
    ~~
    What sparks rage? I do not fear abandonment. I do not fear being unloved. For me, it would seem that rage is sparked by unjustness, unkindness, cruelty (conscious and unconscious) .....

    The two areas that dance darkly in my nightmares are the two maternal areas ... my mother and my mother-in-law. I love them both deeply. I feel extreme compassion for the traumas they have endured, and empathy for their heart-pains.

    I worked for my mother-in-law before I ever met her son. I fell in love with her. Everyone loved her. She was gentle and soft spoken and ran her business with sharp intelligence. This was in the 80's.

    Fast forward through a lot of history, to the years between 2007-2012. We left our dream home in our dream land of Alaska to move back to help her on the ranch. We could not live with ourselves otherwise. We moved there with the agreement that my husband would be the foreman and earn a salary, which would offset a need to find a better job where we had been. He worked seven days a week and was at the beck and call of her needs. I became the ghost who had to stay near in case anything happened, and could not seek employment out of the valley as the nearest large town was 45 min away. I did not 'live' in that house. I existed. I lived with my small circle of friends and became part of the local grange. The alcohol consumption each night, the moods, so many issues.

    And the worst issue of all ..... she did not pay him. For the first couple years we even covered the groceries (and she has food hording tendencies). For five years, he worked, and we used up the bulk of our life savings. Even when she ran her company, family members were expected to work for barely anything (I was a manager, and my data entry clerk made THREE times what I did, and I worked 60 hour weeks).

    In 2009, my Mom had a brain aneurysm from her heavy drinking. I spent five weeks with her, then went up every month to help out. I was upset with her, but found great relief in being on a beautiful mountain away from the ranch. In 2010, my biological father died. In 2011, I gave an ultimatum to my husband ... I was done and I was leaving and I certainly expected him to come with me. His mom has three daughters and my Mom has one ... and she needed more help than I could give from all the driving.

    We had almost nothing left but what we did have left, we sank into this move.

    She has no concept of her actions, and she is in her 80's and it is not worth even expressing it. And I have no where to turn this ... coal of smoldering anger. I have reminded myself that we made our choice to stay as long as we did ... but we couldn't have left her alone, either. (One of the daughters did end up moving there well before we left).
    ~~
    The anger with my Mom is more for her casual cruelty, and attitudes she was raised with. She has changed a great deal, though. My influence has altered her approach to keeping her land sacred (she removed almost all nasty chemicals and she is less inclined to murder the hard-working Spiders ;) ). She is trying. And that is something to treasure.

    I cannot regret our experiences with my mother-in-law, as it brought me here, and I have gained great insight and awareness. When there is barely any money, it is amazing to learn how much we are influenced by marketing to spend money on things we don't actually need.

    But this dance ..... this long, dark, painful, bittersweet dance that whispers seductively to just let it all go, to fall into the darkness and remain there.

    This .... this .. is when I seek the solace of Trees and magic and the joyful dance of Light and Self. Nature always soothes.

    And perhaps one day, this dark dance will slow into a soft melancholy, and from there, something more gentle and more compassionate.

    Life is a practice. We experiment and explore.
    Listening and breathing and dreaming.
    Being Love.

    ..... with Love and Gratitude (especially for feeling safe to make such posts!) ^_^
     
    Lainey and plum like this.
  2. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    Beloved Lily Rose,

    I am short on time right now but huge in my love and synchronicity with you. I started writing a brief journal post earlier and I only got so far before being interupted but here is what I had penned:

    Knowledge of TMS gives a twofold harvest; the ability to shadow-dance with the darker emotions inherent in such situations (if not gracefully then at least with humour) and the potential to transform them into awareness.

    Before my partner was diagnosed I wrote online and steadily my lietmotif became centred on dark, seductive dances with demons, a tango with fate. Today is the first time those images returned and I cannot deny the rage.

    You have described it exquisitely and with such courage and beauty that I feel inspired and renewed.

    I often wonder why the shadow is not discussed more on these pages. It is ironically a shadow lurking...

    Thank You for giving such personal secrets voice, and for doing so with power and grace.

    I love you so very much.
     
    Lily Rose likes this.
  3. Lily Rose

    Lily Rose Beloved Grand Eagle

    Dark, seductive dances with the demons. And there are so many beautiful compositions of music that fit these moods. Often, instead of fighting the dance, simply letting it play out can restore the balance. There is much that is not discussed here. We cannot heal in isolation. It isn't just internally we must heal, but how we interact externally. How we treat each other, how we treat our environment, what choices we make, the frantic grab of consumerism, the indifference towards the other life forms that inhabit this world with us, the indifferent/casual/unaware cruelty used in phrases ("because that is how 'everyone' talks") ..... it is all part of us.

    This is a slight veering, but it is also relevant: Saturday, we went to an RV show to look at the new style rigs. My husband dreams of getting back on the road and just being free to go anywhere. And what we found was ...... shocking. The idea of living in an RV is to get away and seeing more of the world around you. But most of these rigs have four televisions!!!??? Three inside, and one outside. Three TV's in the space of one medium size room. And one ... outside (yes I"m repeating myself). Everything is so ..... pretentious. Nearly all of them were severely lacking in practical usage. Seeing this and realizing this was the new 'normal' .... it provoked a sense of despair. This is not connection ... this is DISconnection. Why would anyone be glued to a TV when traveling in a rolling home and having the most amazing scenery around you? Disconnection.

    As dark and seductive as my demons may be ... they make more sense to me. And I am .... aware.

    Healing is about connection. Within and without. It is awareness, appreciation, gratitude, compassion, and especially Love.

    Grace can be elusive at times. When the fists are pressed to the side of the head and the eyes are squeezed shut and all you can think is "make it stop make it stop make it stop!" But other times, it is just a wistful sort of sadness, and a small smile during that slow dancing.

    You have inspired me into more belly dancing practice. My feet get confused, but my arms and hands seem to catch on more quickly. At the very least, it makes me laugh softly at my own part-grace/part-clown motions ;)

    Loving you, always <3

    .... with Love and deep Gratitude for your powerful empathy and wisdom ^_^
     
    Lainey and plum like this.
  4. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle

    Lily Rose,

    I am so touched and moved by your story.

    Some people's lives are more difficult than others. Why that is, is a spiritual question that we all seek an answer to in our own way. Some of us find that answer, and that knowledge allows our true self, which is light and love, to shine through. I know that you have found that answer as your love and compassion shines brightly on the pages of this forum.

    I am reminded of a question that the author and spiritual teacher, Byron Katie, poses often: "Who would you be without your story?" When we are able to drop our narrative of our life, we realize it doesn't define who we are at all. In this present moment it is just a story. By truly being here now, we can let go of all our past stories and return to our true self of light and love.

    In gratitude for all you share,

    Ellen
     
    Lily Rose and Lainey like this.

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