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Covid Vaccines

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by patrickj, Mar 30, 2023.

  1. patrickj

    patrickj Well known member

    I understand that it’s not healthy to live with regret.

    But I can’t get over my regret of having 2 x Covid jabs. Really struggling with this worry and thought at the moment. I’m convinced since I had those my health has declined even further.

    For info my dad had a life threatening blood clot shortly after his “booster” and he also regrets having them.

    I am a classic customer who ignorantly took the shot so we could go on holiday for me to suffer with extra back pain.
  2. Cactusflower

    Cactusflower Beloved Grand Eagle

    With all kindness, I am going to ask if you have inquired with and psychiatrists for OCD? Your admitting preoccupation with health ( another post) and now posting about this anxiety, for which there is nothing you can do because you made a choice makes me think that it is very difficult for you to seperate your worries from the current moment, this now moment that you are fine. Your brain simply can not accept you are fine, even though you are, and you need to find a way to let it know you are ok.
    Have you found Thought By Thought Healing on youtube? If not, you might be interested with Jenn’s perspective on how her spirituality played a big part in her recovery and her ability to find peace and safety within herself. That said, you may need assistance with these challenges, and that help is out there.
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  3. patrickj

    patrickj Well known member


    Yes I have OCD. I’ve diagnosed myself years ago. I’m very obsessive. I think they call it Pure O. Maybe I’m compulsive too with regards to checking, searching, etc.
    Everything you just said is correct in that my brain cannot accept that I’m fine. I go from one health obsession to another, week by week.
    I’m in bits now with regret about that bloody vaccine. I’m so disappointed with myself. And angry at myself for being pressured into it. Did you get the jabs?

    Just found this thought by though healing.. thanks for the recommendation, I’ll give it a go.

    I’ve seen lots of counsellors and psychiatrists over the years, I’ve had CBT, counselling for anxiety and depression, recently hypnotherapy. Problem is the cost because NHS is a 12 month + wait for mental health services. I just doubled my anti depressants which appear to have lifted my mood quite well actually. I despise taking them but fuck it.

    Thanks for your help
  4. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    OCD is a fucking bitch, Patrick. I don't think you've ever mentioned this before, and I'm really sorry to hear it, although not surprised, and that's a really good catch by @Cactusflower.

    OCD can be created by childhood trauma, (Google "Many studies have solidified the link between OCD and childhood trauma") which we know that you have, and it's clear over the months you've been here that your badly traumatized brain is unable to allow you face this trauma in any but the most shallow and intellectualized way.

    Tragically, you will not find peace unless you can find a way to go deep into the shit that your fucked-up parents created. Unfortunately, that requires a level of emotional vulnerability that is difficult for even the most well-adjusted humans to achieve, because we just weren't designed that way. But it's the only thing that is going to make a dent in your suffering.

    Thank goodness for modern medications, I guess. Before we had those, substance abuse was the only alternative for people who live with unresolved trauma. But I get that it sucks being on the meds, I don't ever like being on meds myself, never mind psychotropic ones.

    My heart breaks for you, I'm so sorry.
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  5. Cactusflower

    Cactusflower Beloved Grand Eagle

    Just to re-assure you, my friend has health related OCD. I've been VERY careful not to talk to her about any of my symptoms. She is SO much better with appropriate medication and specific therapy for OCD.
    You mention you've been through therapy, but not specifically for OCD which is quite different. I suggest calling SIRPA and having a brief conversation with someone who can steer you in a better direction for appropriate mental health care and TMS care. This might not be local, it might be via Zoom (or other care) but the OCD itself needs to be professionally diagnosed and cared for to make sure you are on the correct medications. That may mean some appointments outside of NHS care, but hopefully not too many. It's absolutely OK to take medication when you need it, and accepting this will help you stop turning your anger inward. It's the inward anger that eats at us because we feel we can't or have no right to be outwardly angry (or angry at things we can't control, like NHS care and wait times).
    I'm sorry for your suffering, attending to this mental and emotion suffering is the key to feeling better.
    Booble, patrickj and JanAtheCPA like this.
  6. patrickj

    patrickj Well known member

    Thanks Jan..

    I appreciate your empathy and advice.

    Yeah I get mega obsessed over health concerns mostly and spent weeks to months to years checking them and searching them. OCD is the opposite of cleaning to me. I drag myself through each day so cleaning door handles and stuff is impossible.

    Yes my mood is better on meds but I despise being a customer of Big Pharma. They’ve already squirted me with that poison that I can’t forgive myself for. Did you get jabbed? I’m currently obsessing over this and battering myself for getting them. Ever since I concluded that the Earth we live on is flat and everything we’ve been taught is a lie, I don’t believe anything. On the other hand I’m happier because it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I know God is with me.

    I used to take lots of drugs from about 15-26 ish. Think it was definitely a way to bury emotions. I enjoyed it though. I’d take more if I could but I’ve got shit to do these days.

    Thanks again
  7. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Of course I got the jabs, all of them, which at my age is now four (my COVID vax card is almost out of room for any more stickers). I don't know anyone amongst my many friends and family who didn't get them. We celebrated with relief (and hugs).
    patrickj likes this.
  8. patrickj

    patrickj Well known member

    Thanks, yes I suppose I could try therapy for OCD.. I honestly feel like I can’t keep going to the doctors though. I’m there all the time with a new problem and they don’t know what to do with me.

    Also thanks for your suggestion with SIRPA but one of their therapists has already had £550 off me and I’m not 1% better. But it’s my fault apparently for not fully believing etc.
  9. Sita

    Sita Well known member

  10. Cactusflower

    Cactusflower Beloved Grand Eagle

    It’s not your “fault” it’s your struggle, and OCD is beyond a coach’s ability. I absolutely believe that STOP therapy would be worth trying, and making sure that if you are on medications it is only under the care of a psychiatrist, and only taking the prescribed dose. Getting help for the OCD will help you eventually not having to go to the Dr. all the time provided you do the inner work they recommend.
  11. Booble

    Booble Well known member

    I just want to congratulate you on getting vaccinated. For those with health anxieties it took courage and bravery to do something to keep yourself and your community safe. Bravo! Note that hundreds of millions of people across the globe have successfully received their vaccines. We have come so far thanks to people stepping up. You are fine. Of all the things to worry about, this isn't one of them. Good luck receiving the help you need to stop obsessing on this. You are fine. Nothing to worry about there.
    patrickj likes this.
  12. patrickj

    patrickj Well known member

    Thanks, appreciate that support and reassurance.. it’s always helpful for an obsessive like me!
  13. Celayne

    Celayne Well known member

    I heard a well-known and respected doctor on a podcast say if it’s been more than a year and you haven’t suffered any serious effects from a jab, you probably are okay. I had serious concerns about side effects from them but for the most part those I experienced are probably largely TMS and due to my feelings about them. Controversy alert: I’m not a fan of Pharma products and take none of them; nor do I participate in allopathic medicine at all so I’m maybe not the best person to comment on this topic. I do believe that focusing on a vaccine you have taken and wishing you hadn’t done it creates more feelings of anxiety and pain. Been there, fine thst. You will be looking for problems to arise and fearing symptoms that occur that you think might be from it.
    I hope you can find some peace with your situation.
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  14. patrickj

    patrickj Well known member

    Thanks for commenting.. I’ve never encountered any well known or respected doctors. They’re all absolutely useless and brainwashed. I know more about pain than they do. I guess I’m bitter because not one doctor has ever made me better in my whole life. I foolishly told one about Sarno recently and mindbody stuff (not sure why because it isn’t working for me) and I can see their attention switch off. In my 15 years of chronic pain I have never once met a doctor or medical practitioner who shows any pride in their work. If I was them I’d be rolling my sleeves up, researching thoroughly and saying “I really want to make this lad better, he’s really suffering” - isn’t that why they went to study medicine? They’re all indoctrinated with nonsense from early on. Just like how we’re all told that that the Earth is a spinning ball and you’re just a meaningless spec of dust. And it’s your fault about global warming. It’s all bollocks.

    Now I’m just on a rant.

    Regarding the vaccines I regret falling victim to the pressure so we could go on holiday. I never wanted it but my family wanted to go away. Shows how much power the elites have over us. I don’t even like holidays. So they squirted me with it twice. I finally woke up and denied the booster.

    Funny how it’s all gone quiet on covid now. And Switzerland have stopped giving the jabs because of all the thrombosis and myocarditis. And Australia have banned the AZ jabs for the same reason. We were all fooled. My dad nearly lost his life because of that poison. Blood clots and DVTs. Now he has medication for the rest of his life.

    Ive spent a few weeks obsessed on this now. I need to switch off completely. But I’ve hit rock bottom. Mentally and physically I’m absolutely battered. I’m pretty sure I’ve got CFS/ME. I’m considering trying the CFS school. I’ll go to doctors next week where no doubt I’ll be greeted by eye rolls. Did I tell you that my doctor once asked me “have you considered giving up?” I said “do you say that to your cancer patients?”
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  15. Cactusflower

    Cactusflower Beloved Grand Eagle

    “Have you considered Giving Up”

    You interpreted that as what? I see this as giving up all your useless internal fighting your brain has created. Instead of recognizing your rage against what you feel is external control of you (being “forced” to get a Covid vaccine). To be “safe” from feeling enraged at family who wanted vacation and thus “made” you get a vaccine you are angry at some unknown entity of “them” who controls who when and where vaccines are given. I think your Doctor who probably knew nothing about Sarno actually totally understood Sarno! He recognized that this internal fighting you have, the utmost belief that your thoughts are all true is a conflict that creates massive tension and anxiety.
    Your Doctors most likely understood that none of your symptoms were structural and this “never helped you”, and most likely knew through experience that telling patients like yourself that anxiety can cause physical symptoms, would be accepted by you. You still don’t truly accept that your thoughts are not true. I do think you are headed in that direction and making some progress, but it takes time and recognizing. It also takes time and a lot of self compassion for you not to blame yourself for how your brain is thinking and controlling thought.
    I write this and totally recognize you will not process most of this. You just aren’t ready yet to “hear” it.
    Perhaps you might be able to recognize your rage at Doctors and “Them” and that how not feeling and allowing this rage to pass through your physical body, and feel it for just a few moments (emotions dissipate within minutes) will help you begin to process rage in general. It can help you realize that the emotion is safe to feel in your body. It can help you further feeling rage, anger, frustration, resentments etc towards others like family members by teaching you it is safe to do so by just feeling it.
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  16. patrickj

    patrickj Well known member

    You're a million miles off regarding my doctors. Wouldn’t it be nice if they did realise about anxiety. You’re living in a fantasy world along with them if that’s what you think.
  17. Booble

    Booble Well known member

    Oh, Patrick. I feel for you. It's frustrating as F. Our bodies and our minds go haywire on us and we want it to stop. We want doctors or medicines or something, anything. Help! Why can't learned doctors help us?
    I had a real "aha" moment with a nice older ENT doctor that I went to. It was kind of life changing.
    I was post some awful virus right prior to COVID. I got sick the beginning of December and by the end of January I was feeling even worse. Sick and nauseated and I could only eat a few hundred calories a day. My energy was at 1%. My mind was going to multiple dark places of what might be wrong.

    I finally was able to get into the ENT. He checked everything out. He confirmed that I didn't have some of the bad things I was worrying about. Toward the end he said, "I think you feel, worse than you are."

    Now I could have taken this as his dismissing me and being useless doctor but he wasn't. He was a kind older gentleman who retired shortly thereafter. The guy knew his stuff. What he was saying to me and what was so revelatory was -- yes, you feel like shit but no nothing is really wrong with you.

    It sounds crazy but it changed everything. Knowing that there was nothing wrong with me except my body making me feel like shit, gave me the opportunity to stop focusing on what "might" be wrong with me. There was nothing wrong with me!

    He didn't have a magic pill because there was nothing wrong with me anymore. I had a virus. The virus was gone.
    From the second I came out of his office, I felt lighter. I slowly started to get a little bit of appetite back.
    I was given permission by this doctor to stop worrying and focusing on something being wrong.
    It took awhile but once I stopped thinking about it all the time, I eventually got back to my normal baseline.

    Doctors can't always give us a magic pill to fix us. And sometimes they say things that irk us. And sometimes they give us crap that doesn't help. But the beauty of TMS is that it's us fixing ourselves. It's us stopping focusing on our symptoms, stopping focusing on the what ifs, and instead getting out the crap tucked inside that is preventing us from living.
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  18. patrickj

    patrickj Well known member

    Thanks for the story and encouragement I appreciate it

    I agree with everything you’ve said

    A big thing appears to have been made about my doctor comment. I barely even go to the doctors because I know how incompetent they are. The only thing I go for is to get my pills signed off.

    Yeah you’re right about TMS recovery being about fixing ourselves, which is great. It’s not worked obviously but all great in theory. I’m just trying to accept a life of pain, loneliness and misery. Maybe the acceptance will spark some kind of recovery. But I know one of my biggest issues is I don’t believe I will get better. Feels impossible after 15 years of struggle. And I am getting worse. “Returning to full activity” was a big mistake - it’s fucked my knees and lower legs up. So I won’t be following any more of that advice.

    I’ve a session with Rose Hoey on Tuesday who will want me to dig deep and feel my feelings. And I’m having weekly sessions with Tovah who is very helpful and encouraging. I’m keen to try that CFS school thing because this morning I’ve convinced myself that I’ve got ME/CFS.

  19. Booble

    Booble Well known member

    My husband has a profound hatred for doctors too so I relate to you. :)
    I don't think you even need to believe TMS will work. But I do believe you have to stop checking to see if it is "working or not."
    I personally think it's best if you do TMS work and stop thinking about the symptoms. Almost as if they are disconnected. Focus on one (emotions) instead of the other (symptoms). And then eventually when you are not thinking about it they go away.
    But I think if you keep checking, "did it work? am I still in pain?" then it may not work because you are giving it attention.

    Anyway, good luck. Don't worry about the 15 years. A lot of us found TMS have 30, 40, 50, and 60 years. And it still works.

    Beware of the CFS/ME forum. Lots of nice people but they are very opposed to anything being emotional based. And they continue to suffer.
    I learned a lot from them about my POTS and MCAS to help understand some of the biology but in terms of treating and feeling better staying away from there and focusing on TMS (and that doctor who said I feel worse than I am) got me out of bed and up and around again.
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  20. Cactusflower

    Cactusflower Beloved Grand Eagle

    I would LOVE to be a million miles off, but I'm pretty sure, a doctor or two have picked up on your anxiety. They don't treat anxiety. That is part of the problem with the medical system. Mind and body are always separated.
    Would you have listened to them if they suggested that this is a mind/body issue, and that your anxiety is causing your symptoms? I imagine that many doctors would get punched in the nose by patients if they told them this. Dr. Hanscom talks quite frankly about the response from many of his potential back surgery clients. They throw fits and call him incompetent when he suggests it is the mind, and their anger and rage. I mean look at your responses above, you are still enraged over the whole vaccine thing and can't accept it might be more of the mind/body issue.
    No. You simply aren't ready yet. You aren't there. It's OK and that takes time. Your mind is so hard set on certain thoughts but over time that can change. You will still catch yourself at times in your live of such black and white/hard and fast thinking and then realize that is what you are doing again. It's simply another safety mechanism.
    I have been angry at Doctors. MANY of them. I got very pissed off at a Doctor who told me to start doing the "World's Biggest Losers" workout, and suggested I was fat and out of shape (I was underweight, and had, a year before that been in crazy amazing shape). What he REALLY meant was that my problems were not physical, that they were mental, but he didn't have the desire or capacity to make me believe that. Hopefully by now he hands his patients a Dr. Sarno book to read. My most intuitive Dr. was the student assistant of a neuro-surgeon. She re-read my MRI results for us. The lab technician had listed scary things on it but I had already read Sarno and knew they were normal abnormalities that don't cause pain. She said refuted what the lab tech had noted, and said nothing at all in what she saw suggested my pain. I was very happy at her response, and we told her about Dr. Sarno. She wrote down his name and his book titles and you could see an epiphany on her face. She said that most patents, when she gave them the news of nothing wrong, got very very angry at her and told her she was not competent, shouted for her boss, refused to pay them.
    So you can imagine why many doctors avoid talking to patients about anxiety or mind/body connections at all cost. Hopefully some day this will be more common and accepted, and that Doctors and patients can talk open and freely about it. But until minds soften to the notion, it's not going to be discussed that much.
    PS, I believe Doctors know what they learned, and that their education is not current (they don't have time to study new things) - I don't believe a LOT of current medical practice, and I have seen a lot of crappy doctors.
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