WOW BREAKTHROUGH!

[Layne]

I think it was a combination of sitting with my depressed feelings and reading this blog: (https://thebodysays.wordpress.com/2010/02/16/making-pain-disappear/) that I just had a big breakthrough. In the blog she was talking about how her back pain flared up when she went to the grocery store because she was surrounded by all this food that she "couldn't" eat due to her diet. So I started thinking about my symptoms and how they relate to food (I have multiple food sensitivities, and have always had a tendency to overeat under stress.) And BAM! I realized that the fatigue and fogginess (two of my TMS symptoms) started when I did HcG in the summer of 2011 to lose the "last few pounds." I had lost 60, and gained 10 back so I wanted to lose 20+. Within a few days of beginning the protocol I became so tired that I was couch bound for the entire 40 (roughly) days that I did the diet. I believe that being stuck at home after previously being SO active and engaged was actually traumatic and enraging, seeing as I highly value independence and freedom. The fact that I could not go out and do everything I wanted/needed to do made me very angry I suspect.

I think I am so scared to get fat again that I subconsciously created these "sensitivities" to keep me from getting fat. Also, I have developed sensitivities to things I really like like sweet potatoes. I began overindulging in them a few months ago and they subsequently started making me sick. I think this was "punishment" for eating too much, or liking something too much. I think this "food trauma" links up with some other traumatic events regarding food, bodily functions and my social life. I think a key here is deprivation.

The fatigue and fogginess are most noticeable at work and wouldn't you know it - it's because I work at a Pizza place and can only eat salad and chicken. No pizza. No Desserts. I literally "can't" eat 99% of the menu... and it's fabulous food.

I spend a great deal of my day thinking about food, thinking about if it's going to make me sick, when I need to eat again to keep blood sugar up (I read somewhere that hypoglycemia is another TMS equivalent?), what I'm going to eat and so on...

So, I think there is some more information to gather here and I think there are some overlapping issues that need be addressed, but I am pleased with what seems like a breakthrough

 

[Leslie]

Layne
I can't help but notice that you mentioned the rage you felt having your valuable independence and freedom limited while you were on the couch due to the effects of the program but you don't mention the limitations to those same independence and freedoms from the food sensitivities. I listened to Dr. Zafarides podcast (it's the one linked with day 37 of the SEP) where he was discussing core issues of existential psychology. Freedom was one of the core issues. As I was reading it and did the journaling assignment for that day I was really surprised at the emotions freedom brought out for me. I never thought of it as anything other than positive and valuable up to that point. What I realized was that as much as I longed for it when I was a kid and thought I valued it as an adult, it also puts an enormous amount of pressure and responsibility on my perfectionist, fear prone, people pleasing self.
Leslie

 

[Layne]

I absolutely agree that my freedom is limited by the sensitivities. I have actually listened to that podcast as well and have studied existential freedom in school - but your message just made something click and made me realize how I actually live that fear of freedom. I am and have been experiencing the anxiety that comes along with freedom and those food sentitivities (amongst other things) are an expression of the fear of responsibility that comes with the freedom. SO interesting! Thank you!