Hi Folks,
I hope you're all doing well and in various, but positive stages of recovery from TMS.
This post relates to a good friend of mine who, I think, has TMS. He's currently being shuffled between neurosurgeons who, having taken a look at his back MRI, are making all sorts of noises about risky and prolonged surgery to cure what is (I think...have asked for exact diagnosis today and am still waiting) - spinal stenosis, nerve compression, herniated disc and excess bone growth impinging a nerve (is this nerve compression? Probably). The neurosurgeons have said that he needs metalwork in his spine. He had one of these operations about 12 years ago, and also associated laminectomies.
But the pain, particularly his sciatica, moves around. He describes it as 'burning, pulsating,' but its path of travel varies. He also needs, apparently, a hip replacement, and this has flared up at the same time as this back stuff, which has worsened considerably over the past year. What he DOES have, which I'm under no illusion about, is a blood clotting auto-immune disorder, for which he's on long-term warfarin. Whatever the trigger for that, he needs to be on anticoagulants for life. But back to the back. His life has been marked by events such as
1 - losing his brother to bone cancer when he was 16
2 - his parents not permitting either him or his sister to really express their grief
3 - resentment towards his parents for that
4 - three failed marriages, all to women that he didn't feel anything for
5 - very financially successful; driven, hard-worker, perfectionist, takes on responsibility which far exceeds that which is actually HIS to take care of. Doesn't express extreme emotions - occasionally will say, 'I nearly cried today but held it all in.' He can be quite controlling, he can be defensive and his self-esteem is self-confessedly low.
6 - he's with a partner now who fell very ill three years ago, and he's done all her nursing, while maintaining his business, and watched her response to his needs fall off a cliff. There's much understanding to be had for her attitude to him - she was close to death - but rather than trying to talk about it, he just pursues what he has to do each day, which is always for everyone else and scant else left for him. She also doesn't like the area where they live, whereas he loves it, so she's forced him to put the house on the market. There is resentment there which is expressed, but he might as well be howling into a void. Her illness came about through an action that she did which he asked her not to do, and because of that, three years of his life which could've been happy and functioning have been lost. I can only guess that he feels resentment towards her for that; he's intimated as such, but I've never pushed it.
7 - he also financially supports all his ex-wives, plus his current partner and her daughter (who are not short of money), because he feels he must ease his conscience.
8 - he's on pregabalin and morphine, the latter of which doesn't work at all. In fact nothing really works to solve the pain at all. It sometimes wakes him at night, but then again, it sometimes doesn't.
His back pain and sciatica move around (hallelujah!) and he pushes through it all to exercise, such as rowing or doing 50 miles of cycling, during which time it also doesn't hurt. He's a very logical man, and both his father and son are doctors, so he's very much wedded to the medical profession. I don't know how to present this theory that he may have TMS to him. Of course, I'm not certain as I only see his personality; I don't feel it from the inside, but he does match most of the traits, plus his pain moves around. I dearly don't want him to pursue surgery that is very risky, with regards the outcome, when I feel that the topic of TMS needs some attention. I've thought of just buying him a Sarno book, or sending him a list of all the stressors I've written down about his life, but I know that he's not very interested in his feelings. He's currently trying to leave his partner, but even then, there is no confrontation and no overt expressing of feelings - he tries to manage everyone, including himself, and I watch from the sidelines thinking, 'just let it all out, please!'
The back issue came about when we were rowing; it suddenly got a lot worse, but from having rowed for years, I know that unless you are hit by a boat when you're on the pontoon, nothing really bad can happen to your body on the water. He loved to play tennis, which he can no longer do, and he loved to row, which he sometimes does, but always very stiffly, and with clear pain. He's now switched to cycling and does hundreds of miles a week on that, without pain, but I'm just waiting for that to present a problem to him so he goes deeper down the wormhole of a physical cause.
We live in the UK so there's not a huge TMS presence over here, but would dearly love him to even look at this idea.
Any observations about his back / sciatica / personality would be appreciated, as would advice on how to raise the possibility of TMS with a loved one who you fear may not be very receptive.
Huge thanks in advance, and for reading, too
Sarah
I hope you're all doing well and in various, but positive stages of recovery from TMS.
This post relates to a good friend of mine who, I think, has TMS. He's currently being shuffled between neurosurgeons who, having taken a look at his back MRI, are making all sorts of noises about risky and prolonged surgery to cure what is (I think...have asked for exact diagnosis today and am still waiting) - spinal stenosis, nerve compression, herniated disc and excess bone growth impinging a nerve (is this nerve compression? Probably). The neurosurgeons have said that he needs metalwork in his spine. He had one of these operations about 12 years ago, and also associated laminectomies.
But the pain, particularly his sciatica, moves around. He describes it as 'burning, pulsating,' but its path of travel varies. He also needs, apparently, a hip replacement, and this has flared up at the same time as this back stuff, which has worsened considerably over the past year. What he DOES have, which I'm under no illusion about, is a blood clotting auto-immune disorder, for which he's on long-term warfarin. Whatever the trigger for that, he needs to be on anticoagulants for life. But back to the back. His life has been marked by events such as
1 - losing his brother to bone cancer when he was 16
2 - his parents not permitting either him or his sister to really express their grief
3 - resentment towards his parents for that
4 - three failed marriages, all to women that he didn't feel anything for
5 - very financially successful; driven, hard-worker, perfectionist, takes on responsibility which far exceeds that which is actually HIS to take care of. Doesn't express extreme emotions - occasionally will say, 'I nearly cried today but held it all in.' He can be quite controlling, he can be defensive and his self-esteem is self-confessedly low.
6 - he's with a partner now who fell very ill three years ago, and he's done all her nursing, while maintaining his business, and watched her response to his needs fall off a cliff. There's much understanding to be had for her attitude to him - she was close to death - but rather than trying to talk about it, he just pursues what he has to do each day, which is always for everyone else and scant else left for him. She also doesn't like the area where they live, whereas he loves it, so she's forced him to put the house on the market. There is resentment there which is expressed, but he might as well be howling into a void. Her illness came about through an action that she did which he asked her not to do, and because of that, three years of his life which could've been happy and functioning have been lost. I can only guess that he feels resentment towards her for that; he's intimated as such, but I've never pushed it.
7 - he also financially supports all his ex-wives, plus his current partner and her daughter (who are not short of money), because he feels he must ease his conscience.
8 - he's on pregabalin and morphine, the latter of which doesn't work at all. In fact nothing really works to solve the pain at all. It sometimes wakes him at night, but then again, it sometimes doesn't.
His back pain and sciatica move around (hallelujah!) and he pushes through it all to exercise, such as rowing or doing 50 miles of cycling, during which time it also doesn't hurt. He's a very logical man, and both his father and son are doctors, so he's very much wedded to the medical profession. I don't know how to present this theory that he may have TMS to him. Of course, I'm not certain as I only see his personality; I don't feel it from the inside, but he does match most of the traits, plus his pain moves around. I dearly don't want him to pursue surgery that is very risky, with regards the outcome, when I feel that the topic of TMS needs some attention. I've thought of just buying him a Sarno book, or sending him a list of all the stressors I've written down about his life, but I know that he's not very interested in his feelings. He's currently trying to leave his partner, but even then, there is no confrontation and no overt expressing of feelings - he tries to manage everyone, including himself, and I watch from the sidelines thinking, 'just let it all out, please!'
The back issue came about when we were rowing; it suddenly got a lot worse, but from having rowed for years, I know that unless you are hit by a boat when you're on the pontoon, nothing really bad can happen to your body on the water. He loved to play tennis, which he can no longer do, and he loved to row, which he sometimes does, but always very stiffly, and with clear pain. He's now switched to cycling and does hundreds of miles a week on that, without pain, but I'm just waiting for that to present a problem to him so he goes deeper down the wormhole of a physical cause.
We live in the UK so there's not a huge TMS presence over here, but would dearly love him to even look at this idea.
Any observations about his back / sciatica / personality would be appreciated, as would advice on how to raise the possibility of TMS with a loved one who you fear may not be very receptive.
Huge thanks in advance, and for reading, too
Sarah
