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Worst relapse I've ever had at most crucial time in my life

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by GregL, Feb 21, 2015.

  1. GregL

    GregL New Member

    Training is 18 weeks. We are going into week 11. It's only getting more intense though.
  2. Peggy

    Peggy Well known member

    Well, you are over half done, that's a pretty good accomplishment. Sometimes when things are going really bad for me, I surrender. I just give up. Giving up means I don't care what happens anymore. When I don't care that means I am not holding on so tight and that is an okay place to be.
  3. GregL

    GregL New Member

    Yes I've been trying that. To simply give up. Surrender. I'm trying to do that. This is feeling too powerful though. I dunno how else to explain it.

    I found myself on the floor tonight after a good amount of time passed, and don't really remember the events leading up to it. Just staring up at the ceiling. And I'm not drinking or anything. I seriously have thoughts of ending it lately. I don't have the balls to do it, but the thoughts are there. Has anyone else here had to deal with those thoughts? It's scary...
  4. Lizzy

    Lizzy Well known member

    Greg, I have been there, due to emotional pain. You are too, even if it seems like it is the toll the pain is taking, your physical pain is from to painful emotions.

    My therapist had me sign a contract with herself, my husband and a trusted friend stating I would talk to one of them before doing any harm to myself. Does this sound like something you should do?

    No one here is qualified to help you. I think you should work with the therapist you saw. Your pain is raging and if it mirrors your sub-c you probably need safe professional guidance. Please take your last post seriously.
    Ellen likes this.
  5. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Lizzy, My birth father didn't show much if any affection to me or my older brother and but adored our sister, who was born second.

    When he died, my mother married one of his brothers, an alcoholic woman-hater,
    and he had a very dirty mind. He accused my sister of all kinds of things when she was a teenager, none of them true. He hated everyone including himself.

    Sis put up with him just so long and then married. She escaped our stepfather, but the things he accused her of remained with her. Her marriage was a happy one and she and her husband had four children, all healthy and happy. She must have found a way to forget and maybe even forgive our stepfather. I hope you can work on this to do the same. It will set you free.
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2015
    Lizzy likes this.
  6. AndrewMillerMFT

    AndrewMillerMFT Well known member

    Hi Greg,

    I'm so sorry to hear about the state that you're in. I want to address one thing first: It sounds like you're having thoughts right now that you don't like. Unfortunately, those thoughts may go beyond the scope of something like this message board and it's ability to help you in the moment. So I'd like to encourage you to seek out a professional near you - in person - to talk about how things are going. Often we think we can deal with this TMS stuff alone but having a person - a trained professional - to help us not only with the symptoms but also our feelings and thoughts about them (often a missing piece for many of us) is incredibly important. Please seek someone out near you to help you with those.

    As for visualization: it does require a little experimentation. Aside from talking to your TMS, I - and many other therapists - ask our clients to visualize it. I once had a client - they came up with this all by themselves - who ended up visualizing their unconscious as a dark basement that they went down. They heard the most terrifying sounds coming from the basement but when they turned the flashlight on they saw the sounds were coming from these grotesque yet quite small and even cute little creatures (her buried feelings). She actually ended up inviting them to come upstairs and sleep at the foot of her bed at night.

    For her, this visualization didn't unearth anything about the repressed emotions but it did directly address her fears of them and helped her get over a sticking point with her sxs.

    I encourage everyone to sit and explore - even by drawing - what their TMS, unconscious or repressed emotions look like... when we do, we access different parts of our brain that allow us to process things anew.
    Lizzy likes this.
  7. GregL

    GregL New Member

    I literally went to my second session with one of the TMS therapists listed on here a couple of hours ago. It's going pretty well, if not expensive for me. It helps to talk it out with somebody who understands this beast. Because as we know, there aren't many. I did mention to her that I have bad thoughts sometimes. She asked me if I had plans, and I said no. Which is the truth. Asked if I had a weapon, and I said no, which is also true. So there's not much more she can do in terms of that aside from helping with depression. Ideally, I should probably be on an anti-d med. But I think that is a no-no for the department. At least so early in the career.

    I will try this visualization method later. Seems like a good method. Thank you for typing it out...
    Lizzy likes this.
  8. GregL

    GregL New Member

    Number 9 on Dr. Sarno's daily reminders is the one giving me an incredible amount of trouble:

    9) I will not be concerned or intimidated by the pain

    I am constantly concerned and intimidated by the pain. All day, and everyday. It is all that I focus on. I know that that is literally what it is trying to do. Like I said, this isn't my first rodeo. But it's got me. Bad. All I look forward to doing each day is to come home and plop on the floor for some mild relief. I'm disgusted with myself for doing so, I truly am. I don't know what to do.
  9. mdh157

    mdh157 Well known member

    that's a difficult one for me too Greg.......not so much intimidated but def concerned...but I guess concerned is also intimidated so the pain and other symptoms sometimes still win. I am getting so much in tune that there is a sensation in my hands that feels weird/pulsating but now I think it is actually my pulse (if it is even possible to feel one's pulse in the hands).

    Been sleeping better recently which is HUUUUGGEEE
  10. Lizzy

    Lizzy Well known member

    How are you doing? With your schedule I should have checked at beginning of wkend. Hope you are ok as can be expected.
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2015
  11. GregL

    GregL New Member

    Hi Lizzy. Thanks for checking in....I honestly don't want to even acknowledge it necessarily, but it's been feeling a bit better lately. The therapist I've been seeing told me about "outcome independence" on Sunday, and it's on point. Here is a thread about it on here:


    That's kinda why I haven't come back to this thread lately.
  12. Lizzy

    Lizzy Well known member

    Greg, thanks for update. That is a great thread. I read part today, and will finish tomorrow.

    I copied this from someone here, but didn't know I'd share it so I can't give that wise person credit. Thanks, now I know it was Alan.

    "Success is no longer measured by how much pain I have, but by how little I care."

    Lol, here's to not caring!
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2015
    Helenback likes this.
  13. Helenback

    Helenback New Member

    Hang in there Greg,
    As a TMS'r, I believe most things worth doing, don't usually come easily. We are born to grow and expand. That growth gives us our self respect. Can't have others respect until we have self respect. We can find ourselves at a braking point that is pivotal to success/ failure. Do we quit, or persevere? Any success comes from a balance/ strategy. The "20 mile march"( author- Jim Collins)comes to mind. It's about two explorers Scott/ Amundsen (1911) bound to discover the South Pole. Basically, Amundsen set an unwavering goal of marching 20 miles each day to reach his goal. No more, no less. It proved to be a winning strategy for Amundsen and his team.
    They all returned on the exact planned day.. Unfortunately, No one survived from the Scott party.
    I use this concept when I come up against what seems like the impossible. I can try to accomplish anything if it's met in small doable bits. We all get stuck..it's good to have some tools to move forward.
    Your not alone!
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2015
    Tennis Tom, Ellen and Lizzy like this.

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