Worsening pai

S

Sarah89

Peer Supporter
Hi guys.
I am so confused.

So over the last few months it really came to light that I was lonely, sad, resentful and angry. I had kept telling myself I was ok with things, making excuses for people or just resigning myself to the fact that this is my life. People will treat me bad. I wasnt even fully aware I felt all this. Then I had a baby and I became very aware of all these feelings. Over the last few months I have dug in deep and journalled my rage my sadness my resentment until I.got to the truth. That im lonely and feel unloved and sick of feeling like everything is on me. And admitting to myself a few Home truths.
I also realised I have particular traits ie control to feel safe. Demand to feel.safe and loved. Defensive because I feel lonely. Criticise myself for attention etc etc.
So I have been expressing these feelings. And now when I see one of these traits haooening in real time I guve myself compassion for the behaviour but then actuvely choose another more healthy response.
Im choosing to see other people's deficits arent about my worth but about where they are right now.
So ive been doing a lot of work.
However my pain has now dialed itself up to 100.
I thought with doing the work I would actually see a reduction. So why has it got worse? I do not understand.

I realised I couldnt keep telling myaelr the same victim stories in my head if I wanted to heal. So have been giving myself compassion for all these thjngs and my past whilst also choosing healthier responses to triggers without falling into the victim story.

Ie I will tell myself of course you feel like that because of how u have been.previously been treated but you are a capable adult now. We can choose.differently and then I do.

Ive been shifting my perspective on other people's behaviours.

I sat down with some peiple and stated my needs and boundaries calmly rather than demanding like I would normally.

I was really hopeful that all this would also lead to a reduction in my symptoms but the total opposite has happened.

I do not understand why.
 
@Sarah89 I wonder if there's something important you're overlooking here.

You've identified that you're lonely, unsupported, resentful and feel that everything is on you. Yet almost all the work you're describing is about what YOU need to change, how YOU need to respond differently, how YOU need to manage your emotions and how YOU need to understand other people's behaviour.

Can you see the potential contradiction?

You're exhausted from feeling that everything is on you, yet you're still making yourself responsible for fixing everything.

Of course, taking responsibility for your own behaviour is important and endeavouring to understand other people is important. But are you also taking responsibility for things that aren't yours to carry?

You can stop being defensive without accepting poor treatment. You can understand other people's limitations without making excuses for them. You can change your reactions without changing the fact that your needs aren't being met.

And perhaps this is the bit worth exploring: are you actually changing the circumstances and relationships that are contributing to your pain, or are you simply becoming better at managing yourself within them?

Because you cannot self-regulate your way out of loneliness. You cannot mindset-shift your way into reciprocal relationships. And you cannot heal unmet needs simply by becoming less reactive to having them.

That doesn't mean these external circumstances will change overnight. Building healthier relationships, communicating needs, establishing boundaries and changing old dynamics can take time. But even baby steps towards honouring your needs and creating a life that feels more supportive are meaningful. Your brain will gradually start to recognise and appreciate these new experiences, helping you build a different sense of what is normal and what you can expect from your relationships.

So I'd keep doing the internal work, because it's valuable, but don't forget that you're allowed to want your external world to change too and take steps towards making that happen.

You don't have to become better at tolerating circumstances and relationships that aren't meeting your needs. You deserve relationships where you feel loved, supported and considered too.
 
Yes i would agree. I do want my out side circumstances to change but what ive realised is i cant brute force my way into making peiole change or give me what I need. And I cant continue with the mindset either that everyone is out to get me.
What I can own is critiquing nyself to get a compliment is toxic.
I can own that antagonising people just for attention is unhealthy.
I can own that controlling people means I will most likely push them more away.
I can own that demanding things xan push peiole away and make me.more lonely.
I can iwn starting out a conversation expecting ti be taken advantage of isnt ideal.
And these are the things im working on.

Hiwever I totally honoured myself in journalling with my complete and anger and rage because it was 100 percent justified.

I also sat someone down and told them that my needs arent getting met, how their actions make me FEEL and if they cant meet me where I am and grow then I am done.
This person is now making changes and had been receptive because I had this conversation calmly rather than my usual getting angry and defensive and blaming. It was brutal honesty but laid out sith calm clarity.

So now im unsure why my pain has turned itself up.
I gave the anger and resentment a voice until I wqs left with thr deep hurt thag right now im not being loved and supported in the way I want ot deserve.
And I cried..I cried for that realisation and that part of me.

I decided the behavioural changes needed to happen because they dont helo my situation ir mental health.

I decided to speak my truth calmly.

So now im confused.

I hope this has given more clarity
 
@Sarah89 I actually remember experiencing something similar myself. When I started putting boundaries in place with my father, when he was still alive, my symptoms increased. They also temporarily increased with other decisions I made and actions I took that were necessary for myself. In my experience, it was 'par for the course'.

It's like one part of you knows you're doing the right thing, but another part (your brain) is asking, "Are you sure? This isn't what we normally do?"

Our brains like the familiar, even when the familiar isn't necessarily good for us. I wonder whether your brain is struggling to adjust to that change and whether the increase in symptoms might be reflecting some of that internal alarm.

With time and repeated experiences of doing things differently, that knot can begin to loosen and gradually unravel. Your brain can learn that you don't have to fall back into those old patterns and that doing things differently doesn't automatically mean you're unsafe.

I think you're navigating the discomfort of doing something differently, whilst still processing all the hurt that's brought you to this point.

It's also worth remembering that you're not just changing behaviours; you're challenging patterns and responses that may have been part of how you've navigated relationships for years. That's a big adjustment.

And perhaps there's a little grief in there too. Grief for the times you didn't feel heard, understood, loved or supported in the way you needed. Changing how you respond doesn't suddenly take away the hurt of what you've experienced.

And I completely understand that when your pain increases, your instinct is going to be to want to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Nobody wants to sit with increased pain or discomfort.

But perhaps there's an opportunity here to gently step back from the urge to immediately fix or fight what you're feeling and instead get curious about it. What might it be telling you? What might you need right now?

That doesn't mean you have to accept the pain or simply put up with it. It means allowing yourself some compassion whilst you work through what's happening, rather than putting additional pressure on yourself to make it disappear.

Be patient with yourself. You're learning a different way of being, and that takes practice, time and compassion.

The important thing is not to mistake that pain and discomfort for a sign that you're making the wrong choices.
 
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I dont want to ask myself anymore whsts this pain telling me. At this point of sick of the analysis and guess work. Its been 2.5 years. I just want some pay off now.
I thought when u did the work the pain gets better not worse.
 
Sarah89 said:
I dont want to ask myself anymore whsts this pain telling me. At this point of sick of the analysis and guess work. Its been 2.5 years. I just want some pay off now.
I thought when u did the work the pain gets better not worse.
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I appreciate that it's not what you will want to hear, but it took me around 4.5 years to go from being bedridden for a total of over 18 months to functioning pretty normally again.

I'm not suggesting your experience should follow the same length of trajectory, but I wanted to share my own experience because you asked for a possible explanation for your increased pain. I took quite a bit of time and care putting my response together, only to feel that you rather curtly 'shot the messenger'.

I appreciate that you're frustrated, exhausted and angry, but being on the receiving end of that anger, when I'm someone who doesn't deserve it and who finds this kind of interaction triggering for my own health, isn't fair.

I genuinely hope you start to feel some long-term relief soon.

Take care, and good luck.
 
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Im sorry i did not mean for it to sound like i was angry with you.
I am frustrated at my situation certainly not with your input.
I just csnt understand why my pain gets worse rather than better when I have really dove into the work.
I just dont understand it anymore
 
Sarah89 said:
Im sorry i did not mean for it to sound like i was angry with you.
I am frustrated at my situation certainly not with your input.
I just csnt understand why my pain gets worse rather than better when I have really dove into the work.
I just dont understand it anymore
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I just wanted to reach out because reading your post brought me to tears. When I first looked at it, I honestly almost thought, 'My god, is that an old post that I wrote?' It rang so true to my own experience.

I've only been doing this deep work for a few months now, and I have noticed the exact same thing: whenever I dig into the hard truths—like loneliness, feeling unheard, or carrying the weight of everything—my pain shoots up dramatically, too. It feels so frustrating and unfair when you are trying so hard to change your responses, only for your body to dial the pain up to 100 instead of giving you relief.

I remember hitting upon some very difficult truths of my own and feeling almost afraid to put them out on this forum. But I did, and I am so glad I did. Blood Moon and others here have been such an incredible lifeline for me. Whenever I get stuck or don't understand what my body is doing, reaching out has brought me so much clarity and support. You are in a safe place here to get the help you need when these difficult moments come up.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this, and I truly understand how exhausting it is. Sending you a lot of gentle support today.
 
Patty Cakes said:
I remember hitting upon some very difficult truths of my own and feeling almost afraid to put them out on this forum. But I did, and I am so glad I did.
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This thread was like a magic carpet ride into the maelstrom of pain I ignore by staying in bed to avoid using my legs. Even though the gash on my leg from the accident that crushed my ankle has healed, it is ugly and a reminder of the trauma that elicits my own and other’s sympathetic excusing of my uncourageous behavior. Although perhaps far-fetched it’s like @Sarah89 ’s situation of having done “so much work.” The scar (or the changed behavior that resulted from work that showed a need to change) is an excuse, a trophy showing an accomplishment. But it’s not enough. On the one hand, i do need kind self-compassionate avoidance but on the other hand i have this niggling feeling that the only way to get to pain-free full capacity is to move through the pain—emotional and physical. I’m starting to wonder if my lonliness is a cover, a shell i am hiding in.
Thank you @Sarah89 for your courage to share. Going deeper into the roots of pain isn’t easy, especially when these roots are thickly interwoven throughout the network of my bodyMind. Thank you all for being here.
 
Sarah89 said:
I dont understand why ive done the work and its worse. Or why no one can tell me what im missing
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How are you responding to the symptoms? How much joy are you finding in your life? How are you talking your self on a second by second basis? How much of your inner thoughts are about the symptoms and the idea that you’re missing something.

From what I’m reading, you react too much to the symptoms and you have too much expectation that doing x should yield a specific result. You’re treating TMS like a physical ailment where if you take a medication or do some exercises it gets better.

Take a break from digging into the past or your perceived negative traits. As Bloodmoon mentioned, you need to make some external shifts as well as internal. When was the last time you did something for you? Something that actually brings you joy and gets you out of your own head?

For many yes the symptoms manifest from repressed emotions, or traumas or maladaptive personality traits. But lots of things can keep them going, a misery inducing existence is definitely high up on the list.

Focus on what you can do with the symptoms rather than the all the ways they’re making your current reality a horror show.
 
I did live my life i had a baby 7 months ago. Ive been in pain 3 years.
I am very busy with a baby.
However its also stealing my precious time with him.
I normally treat everythint like an emergency anr im training myself to not do that.
And as I said above working on my general responses to things.
I dont avoid positions.
I dont avoid my emotions.
I have stated my needs.
I have set boundaries.
I have told myself time wnr time again itd tms..
I even tried doing the steve ozanich method.
Because if having a baby there was a oeriod of time I stopped all tms methods and just did my best living my life.

So im just really confused.

It feels like a trap. They say to do the work byt dont do it with the idea to get rid of the pain. Well everyone is doing it to get rid of the pain..im also changing some thjngs cos they are generally better fir me but everyone's doing it with that agenda.

I just dont get it anymore

I eradicated doubt but I always end up with more doubt when it doesnt work
 
Sarah89 said:
I did live my life i had a baby 7 months ago. Ive been in pain 3 years.
I am very busy with a baby.
However its also stealing my precious time with him.
I normally treat everythint like an emergency anr im training myself to not do that.
And as I said above working on my general responses to things.
I dont avoid positions.
I dont avoid my emotions.
I have stated my needs.
I have set boundaries.
I have told myself time wnr time again itd tms..
I even tried doing the steve ozanich method.
Because if having a baby there was a oeriod of time I stopped all tms methods and just did my best living my life.

So im just really confused.

It feels like a trap. They say to do the work byt dont do it with the idea to get rid of the pain. Well everyone is doing it to get rid of the pain..im also changing some thjngs cos they are generally better fir me but everyone's doing it with that agenda.

I just dont get it anymore

I eradicated doubt but I always end up with more doubt when it doesnt work
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By response I mean what is your internal dialogue like. Living life is good, not avoiding is good but if when the symptoms arise you’re filled with panic and doubt then that’s not good. Indifference isn’t enough, you need to be firm in your conviction that what you’re dealing with is TMS. If there’s doubt in the diagnosis then there will be a lot of fear. TMS recovery is not linear, so people get thrown for a loop when they do emotional work and then symptoms arise or increase and they panic at them. What message is being sent to the brain? Recovery is highly individual and needs frequent adjustment. You can become a more functional person but still obsess and dread the symptoms and subsequently keep them going. What started them is not necessarily what keeps them going.

When dealing with 24/7 jaw pain that impacted my ability to speak I still spoke the entire time (the equivalent of your not avoiding positions). My situation worsened because my doubt was significant and my fear was even greater, and my inner thoughts reflected that. When I changed my thoughts/modified my reactions to them and made conscious decisions to lessen my fear my situation progressively improved over several months. I dropped the story and the fuck my life thoughts after I was done speaking.

Personally if I were you I’d take a break from the emotional work, Id start a non guided spiritual based meditation practice and I’d actively work on modifying the reaction to the symptoms (not just indifference and doing things-actual faith and belief that this will pass, forcing it if you have to)

And find some meaningful joy and hobbies in your life. You have a shit ton going on with a baby on top of nightmarish pain
You need to make space for yourself.

I wish you well.
 
Thank you.
I started dropping my decensive survival behaviours and the oain ramped right up even worse. Im actually going yo assume its done this to drag me back in again and use those traits. And it worked. Instead I need to hold stead fast.
I jist wish it would actually drop not get worse. Its quite cruel.
I know irs TMS. What I doubt is recovery because no matter what I do I dont get the pay off
 
Sarah89 said:
Thank you.
I started dropping my decensive survival behaviours and the oain ramped right up even worse. Im actually going yo assume its done this to drag me back in again and use those traits. And it worked. Instead I need to hold stead fast.
I jist wish it would actually drop not get worse. Its quite cruel.
I know irs TMS. What I doubt is recovery because no matter what I do I dont get the pay off
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You talk about the brain like it is some malicious entity conspiring against you. You need to foster a better relationship with the entirety of yourself.
Those traits formed and were honed as a defense mechanism to less than ideal life circumstances. Your brain thinks it’s keeping you safe. You need to earn your brains trust back. Personally I think after a certain point digging into the past and fixating on all our negative traits is less than helpful.
 
Yes i agree it is less than helpful. I dont intend to do any more digging. These emotions aurfaced after the birth of my child. I figured it best to.journal ane give it a voice so then I could let it go.
I also see the behaviours as survival traits made out of nessissiry to keep me safe. Although they are less than ideal now.
I do see them with compassion. I understand what created them.

But rhe traits do need retiring and bettwr thoughts need to be thought. At the end of the day they srent conducive to a happy life.
 
Realizing how your mind works has been so eye opening and helpful to me. Blood Moon had given me the suggestion of a book to read called "Rewire Your Mind without Willpower" and it helped me understand just how my anxious mind works, especially when you have anxiety and thoughts that are on a constant loop. I followed that up by the book "Unwinding Anxiety" and the "Unwinding Anxiety Workbook". I too, have done a lot of emotional work but finally realizing how my anxious mind really works, have been so incredibly helpful to me and ways to learn how to quiet the mind and all those anxious thoughts. It's helped me to realize how my own mind continues to fuel my anxiety and thus my pain. I"ve been learning new ways of thinking and it is helping a lot.
 
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