Worsening pai

[Sarah89]

Hi guys.
I am so confused.

So over the last few months it really came to light that I was lonely, sad, resentful and angry. I had kept telling myself I was ok with things, making excuses for people or just resigning myself to the fact that this is my life. People will treat me bad. I wasnt even fully aware I felt all this. Then I had a baby and I became very aware of all these feelings. Over the last few months I have dug in deep and journalled my rage my sadness my resentment until I.got to the truth. That im lonely and feel unloved and sick of feeling like everything is on me. And admitting to myself a few Home truths.
I also realised I have particular traits ie control to feel safe. Demand to feel.safe and loved. Defensive because I feel lonely. Criticise myself for attention etc etc.
So I have been expressing these feelings. And now when I see one of these traits haooening in real time I guve myself compassion for the behaviour but then actuvely choose another more healthy response.
Im choosing to see other people's deficits arent about my worth but about where they are right now.
So ive been doing a lot of work.
However my pain has now dialed itself up to 100.
I thought with doing the work I would actually see a reduction. So why has it got worse? I do not understand.

I realised I couldnt keep telling myaelr the same victim stories in my head if I wanted to heal. So have been giving myself compassion for all these thjngs and my past whilst also choosing healthier responses to triggers without falling into the victim story.

Ie I will tell myself of course you feel like that because of how u have been.previously been treated but you are a capable adult now. We can choose.differently and then I do.

Ive been shifting my perspective on other people's behaviours.

I sat down with some peiple and stated my needs and boundaries calmly rather than demanding like I would normally.

I was really hopeful that all this would also lead to a reduction in my symptoms but the total opposite has happened.

I do not understand why.

 

[BloodMoon]

@Sarah89 I wonder if there's something important you're overlooking here.

You've identified that you're lonely, unsupported, resentful and feel that everything is on you. Yet almost all the work you're describing is about what YOU need to change, how YOU need to respond differently, how YOU need to manage your emotions and how YOU need to understand other people's behaviour.

Can you see the potential contradiction?

You're exhausted from feeling that everything is on you, yet you're still making yourself responsible for fixing everything.

Of course, taking responsibility for your own behaviour is important and endeavouring to understand other people is important. But are you also taking responsibility for things that aren't yours to carry?

You can stop being defensive without accepting poor treatment. You can understand other people's limitations without making excuses for them. You can change your reactions without changing the fact that your needs aren't being met.

And perhaps this is the bit worth exploring: are you actually changing the circumstances and relationships that are contributing to your pain, or are you simply becoming better at managing yourself within them?

Because you cannot self-regulate your way out of loneliness. You cannot mindset-shift your way into reciprocal relationships. And you cannot heal unmet needs simply by becoming less reactive to having them.

That doesn't mean these external circumstances will change overnight. Building healthier relationships, communicating needs, establishing boundaries and changing old dynamics can take time. But even baby steps towards honouring your needs and creating a life that feels more supportive are meaningful. Your brain will gradually start to recognise and appreciate these new experiences, helping you build a different sense of what is normal and what you can expect from your relationships.

So I'd keep doing the internal work, because it's valuable, but don't forget that you're allowed to want your external world to change too and take steps towards making that happen.

You don't have to become better at tolerating circumstances and relationships that aren't meeting your needs. You deserve relationships where you feel loved, supported and considered too.