Working Through Another Episode

This is my first time posting to this community. I have had episodes of TMS in the past where I had back pain and sciatic burning pain in my left leg. The recovery the last time took months. I was healed from this after carefully applying Dr. Sarno's principles of repudiating the physical, acknowledging and accepting the psychological reasons for the TMS manifestation. My personality is described in Dr Sarno's books (wanting to always help out, easily irritable, always have a picture in my head how I want situations to go, particular about some things, ...)
Three weeks ago while trying to prepare physically for an upcoming race I experienced a jolt in my right lower lumbar muscles performing the last repetition of the final set of an exercise. Earlier in the day someone was talking about their misaligned disks. I believe this the unconscious thought that allowed the trigger later that day. I was able to get through the rest of the exercise and the area was "warm" but not hurt. The next day was sore, but manageable. I kept telling myself this was the result of stress (going through anytime I have had any inklings of tms tension since the last episode). I continued to do workout following my schedule until the pain moved to the other side about a week later and eventually into my left hamstring (sciatic pain). Since then I have gone easier with the workouts and had to stop running because running has been excruciating.
I continue the TMS treatment plan including not taking Motrin (but I have carried it just incase) and following Dr Sarno's treatment plan. I spend 15 minutes in the morning meditating and journal (paying attention to my dreams for any ideas on what may be causing my unconscious rage). I listen to Healing Back Pain and The Divided Mind on Audio. I keep rereading the Treatment section of The Mindbody Disorder. I have introspected and listed out my current sources of stress. I have thought about painful memories from my childhood. I keep peeling back the onion to find the source of the rage that my brain is latching on to.
Going through this time, I have had many moments of success. I am able to temporarily relieve the tension by telling myself I have a normal back and legs, the pain is being caused by my brain to distract from powerful emotions, and that the pain couldn't further injure me because there is nothing physically wrong. I have been able to workout with only mild tension and I have gone on pain free walks. I can have tension free hours at work and drive to and from work tension free. I can also identify situations at work and home when the tension flares up when something stressful happens.
The last two days though I have woken with lots of tension in my now right buttock and hamstring. Today it was excruciating. I have gone through my normal daily routine of mediating and there has been some relief, but can't stop thinking this could go on for awhile (weeks/months). I have repudiated a physical reason for the pain and acknowledge this is psychological (even able to laugh at the this is only tension). I know when the pain moves it is supposed to be a good thing, but some days it really feels like defeat. My mind is highly analytical and is always looking for answers to everything. How can I get through the last step of fully accepting the psychological? What can I do to release the unconscious rage or just make it not have to cause tension?

 

Just finishing a short relapse myself. Been writing a lot, going out and having private 'discussions' with myself (not very nice ones) and every time I notice the pain/discomfort I have been turning my thoughts to the stresses and strains of life, unsavory topics, etc. The analytical part of your mind is only really useful in speculating on what might have triggered it. It's actually closer to a creative endeavor. Since it's repressed and triggering a symptom, we might never really know 'the truth', but we can make some intuitive guesses by what's going on when we get the symptoms.

 

Thanks for your reply, I read your story on the Day 1 Recovery Story on the six week SEP forum. Do you have your private discussions out loud? I have tried the yelling at my brain in my car, but it hasn't done much for me.

 

Yes... absolutely. And that isn't counting the muttering under my breath (like a crazy person) that I resort to some times. But I find it therapeutic to go somewhere and really imagine I am with the 'offending' person and let them have it.

I have done it alone on jobs, in my car...anywhere I can get by myself.
BTW... after I posted last night I came into my kitchen and someone (GF) had started another 'decoration' project and cluttered it up. I was Pissed as I have fought to keep this place clean and functional. Unlike my Mother she is not fragile or senile (allegedly) I got angry at her....out loud angry. She is not happy with me right now, but I have no symptoms. I also have a clean kitchen. Maybe she'll leave? Maybe I won't get any physical affection? Maybe I'll be alone?

I have had to learn to be OK with all of those Maybe's.

 

Thanks for your story. I get the annoyance about things all over the place. One item I found on this site is a video about not trying so hard. It had me laughing because I saw myself ready to jump in and not try so hard. (About 6:15 in)

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/3-can-you-work-too-hard-at-overcoming-tms.194/ (3. Can you work too hard at overcoming TMS?)

 

I think what affect us mostly is not the subconscious, but the daily things that happen and how our personality and learned habits accept or reject things in the way we see them. We can not reach the subconscious easily by its nature, but things that get triggered in the subconscious may be because of similar feelings we get today. If something happen in your daily life that makes you feel rejected, and you were rejected or felt that way as a child, then a trigger gets activated. It could be anything that makes you feel insecure at the present or have you worried. Baseball65 here needs a clean kitchen, and that single thing that might be not so important to others( I do get everyone out of the kitchen when I am there), might be a trigger for him, because this kitchen represents a sense of order, peace and organization that maybe was missing in another stage of his life long ago. I have a lot of triggers regarding safety, because as a child I was not properly cared for and lead to accidents and abuse, so now that I can control my safety, if anyone in my environment challenges or endangers that, will get a load of BS from me. I have found also fears that I did not know where there, from childhood, by doing a little bit of going back therapy under relaxation and re-living moments that I had forgot. These fears in my inner child can be linked to fears in the present, that when confronted, can trigger a tms symptom. I have recommended before, and will continue to do so, a book called "the genie within", because it gives practical exercises to get in touch with your subconscious. It is kind of a self reprogramming and have helped me a lot, along with Dr. Sarno's books. Sit down and think. What bother you right now? What situation keeps coming to your mind(not pain related) that worries you? Have you something in you that you have to say to someone and have not done so? Is there some financial or personal situation you know you have to take care of but you had not? Check into those and do and say whatever you have to do to ease that fear or anger, that is mimicking a fear from within your subconscious. Beside that follow the program, and if you get the book I recommended , do the exercises and you will get better. Wish you a quick recovery.