Day 17 Working it through ain't easy but the stakes are high.

[Dahlia]

I continue to get more active and able to do things I have not been able to for a long time. TMS symptoms spike up from time to time but I "talk to them". The proof that I am on the right track is how much more I am able to live!

I had a challenging few days: Made a lovely Thanksgiving dinner for family and had a family member act out to the point that my appetite was ruined and my heart was racing at 100 mph. I wasn't sure what to do but as this person was leaving I walked them to the car and told them that their behavior is not OK and that I do not want to spend time together until they learn how to treat me. Boy this was tough - on me and them (they were in total shock). I spent rest of day crying but glad I stood up for myself. On Saturday we spoke and resolved (maybe) some things but I have had decide on some limits and rules for spending time with this person. It is not easy for me to risk displeasing anyone (ouch!) but on the other hand no one else has the right to bully me around. So I am learning, but the emotions around this have me in a turmoil.

Then, I managed to trip and fall on the pavement outside...a hard nose-dive. I am so lucky that I ended up with only bruises and scrapes and a pulled muscle or 2. I noticed that even tho it was a hard hit my TMS pain was fine until yesterday. When the leg pain came back hard I kept reminding myself what was really going on. And it finally resolved.

So much turmoil plus more issues are starting to crop up with other VIPs in my life. Looks like I have to stand up for what I want some more. I feel like I am at sea being tossed around by emotions and not sure how to balance my needs and others'.

I am very tired of being the one to plan/host/prepare food and try to create a nice holiday for everyone. I am taking this opportunity to hang up my apron for a while. I think I'll want to be without the stressful people on Christmas day. I'll spend my time in spiritual practices and spend some time with nature....

My goodness but it is easier to repress, isn't it? But I'm not willing to live my life that way anymore! I just wish I knew better how to sort it all out!

 

[nowtimecoach]

What a wonderful post MaryBoz! I'm sorry that your thanksgiving was so stressful with your family member. But Wow! What strides you have made in acknowledging the shenanigans of the Goodist personality trait. I have found also, especially in the beginning, of feeling like I was in a sea of turmoil with all these new insights flooding my awareness. It has calmed down some as I've gotten used to recognizing and not being so shocked, the manifestations of my personality traits.
I had an experience yesterday where I could actually see and experience myself controlling MYSELF in order to be controlled (or at least it felt that way) by another person. I had completely changed my schedule to accommodate my friend's needs. I realized that I suppressed my own plans, needs and desire for the day to make it all about my friend's requirements for her to have a good day. What was different is that I felt the energy of repression and how I wanted to blast my friend for her inconsiderateness. But what I ended up doing was going for a really fast hard bike ride and with each pedal stroke I said to myself AND out loud. I am done being a victim! Then it became not about my friend who was just doing her thing - but about me taking responsibility for the energy I was creating in my body to try and stay a Goodist - which for me ends up being a victim. We were then able to have a discussion later, when I was much calmer and she was able to hear about my need for more consideration. If I had acted upon my rage, (for when I really experienced it, that was the bottom line OLD feeling that I was having -) my friend and I would have gotten into a horrible fight and the day would have been completely ruined.
I find its getting harder to repress these emotions and I know that it is my path to freedom.
Keep up the great work!!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Your posts are great, girls. I congratulate you both.
MaryBoz, you were brave and did the right thing by telling your friends they were out of line at the Thanksgiving get-together.
They had no right to make waves and rain on your parade. Unless they're very important to you, or necessary, I'd start to
distance myself from them. That can easily be done by just saying you have other plans or maybe another invitation for Christmas.
Spending Christmas with God and nature... what could be better?

Newtimecoach, you're also an inspiration. Taking a long bike ride and giving yourself a TMS talk to free yourself of being a goodist
victim... wonderful! Getting a new understanding with your friend might take a while, but if it's worth it to you, keep at it.
Don't worry about if it would be worth it to your friend. You must come first. Some people will eat us alive, if we let them.
Let's not let them. That's not what true friendship is.

 

[Dahlia]

What a wonderful post MaryBoz! I'm sorry that your thanksgiving was so stressful with your family member. But Wow! What strides you have made in acknowledging the shenanigans of the Goodist personality trait. I have found also, especially in the beginning, of feeling like I was in a sea of turmoil with all these new insights flooding my awareness. It has calmed down some as I've gotten used to recognizing and not being so shocked, the manifestations of my personality traits.
I had an experience yesterday where I could actually see and experience myself controlling MYSELF in order to be controlled (or at least it felt that way) by another person. I had completely changed my schedule to accommodate my friend's needs. I realized that I suppressed my own plans, needs and desire for the day to make it all about my friend's requirements for her to have a good day. What was different is that I felt the energy of repression and how I wanted to blast my friend for her inconsiderateness. But what I ended up doing was going for a really fast hard bike ride and with each pedal stroke I said to myself AND out loud. I am done being a victim! Then it became not about my friend who was just doing her thing - but about me taking responsibility for the energy I was creating in my body to try and stay a Goodist - which for me ends up being a victim. We were then able to have a discussion later, when I was much calmer and she was able to hear about my need for more consideration. If I had acted upon my rage, (for when I really experienced it, that was the bottom line OLD feeling that I was having -) my friend and I would have gotten into a horrible fight and the day would have been completely ruined.
I find its getting harder to repress these emotions and I know that it is my path to freedom.
Keep up the great work!!

You're right, it's the whole Goodist thing. I'm so used to it as a way of being in the world. Changing that is a big deal and I expect it's normal to get lots of emotional turmoil. I noticed this last week I cry about everything: at the movies, at church, at whatever. I think it's all those emotions that I normally push down into my body coming up and out. Must be a good thing and I'm glad to hear that this will calm down at some point!

The other thought I had was to ask myself what is beneath the rage and anger I've been having. I think it is my fear that I will not take care of myself if no one else does it for me; that I will not take care of getting my needs met. Well, I'm on a mission to honor myself and my needs as important and reassure myself that I'll take care of me.

 

[nowtimecoach]

Good job MaryBoz! I came up against that very thing about needs. One, I didn't even really GET that I had needs! So noticing that I have needs is a step in the right direction for me. Sounds like we will be on parallel recovering Goodists paths!!