Without freaking out: I’m not doing that great

I had a couple of months of ups and downs but the general trend seemed to be up. Ever since last weekend i have just not been doing great. Sounds have been louder for a couple of days and i find myself not being able to do stuff i used to be able to.

I’m quite calm about it but I’m not really sure how to get the ship moving again. I tried seeing friends — wasnt a success. I tried sitting and listening to planes but that also didnt go to well. For me this is incredibly difficult. If the minuscule things set off such an alarm, what the fuck am i gonna be doing irl? I’m still meditating. I find that I’m better at meditating when my symptoms are higher.

Time and time again i feel that i cannot ignore symptoms; i keep trying and failing. Well what the fuck am i supposed to do then?

I have always known that i wasnt always gonna be improving but theres no reason that my symptoms should be higher. I find that writing this is already self soothing. I’m just so bloody sick of this. I wish i could go deaf

 

You were successful just trying! Success with TMS doesn’t have to measure up to what your mind thinks should be “perfect” - it’s the mindset of accepting the imperfections and applauding the attempts that set wheels on motion. Loading fear is a step, but the brain doesn’t sense safety in urgency all the other TMS-y things that become habit. You are making amazing progress. Stalling probably brings up a lot of those old feelings you’ve been working through. Sometimes that stuff just has to cycle around a few times to really sink in. Keep going!!

 

It gets easier. You probably don’t even realize that you snap out of negative spirals much quicker than a few months ago, return to baseline quicker etc. when it sucks it obviously still sucks, but you shouldn’t let the sensations at their peak make you questions your progress. Trends matter more than short durations of time.

your brain could be generating symptoms in response to you living more (seeing friends, being outside listening to planes etc) or there could be no reason at all. It’s not worth looking into much.

having a flare and not freaking out is a pretty monumental step. Frustration is normal.

hang in there Mani

 

Second this - if you're reacting with less fear and not freaking out now (compared to how you did before) - you're making progress