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Will this ever end?

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by Time2be, Sep 15, 2018.

  1. Time2be

    Time2be Well known member

    I am getting a bit frustrated, I had bladder pain/pelvic pain for years. Now I am not afraid of it anymore and most of the time my bladder is just fine. In summer I started to have stomach pain, a bit diarrhea, nausea. It stopped for two weeks, I became a bit adventurous and drank some wine. Bang, my stomach doesn’t like it. Sometimes soft drinks are fine, sometimes not. My doctor doesn’t want to do diagnostics (he only ruled out heliobacter) and I had a CT scan to rule out serious stuff like cancer. He is very, very certain that it is psychosomatic. I guess my stomach can be more sensitive due to TMS. And I am stressed, I have a lot of work at the moment. And I feel like I rather would like to have time to do all sorts of fun things.
    The symptom imperative is really powerful. But this time I don’t start panicking. I take it calmly and let’s see if the symptoms disappear.
    But it is frustrating ....
    and yes, I need to get a life ...
    westb, Lizzy and MWsunin12 like this.
  2. MWsunin12

    MWsunin12 Beloved Grand Eagle

    You got this. Ask yourself: "What can't I stomach anymore?" Is it your job?
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  3. Time2be

    Time2be Well known member

    To the point, Marcia! But not my job. My job is ok, or let’s say I can do my job in a way that it is more than ok. It is that i don’t have family around, they live in another country. Since 11 years i am divorced and haven’t found a new partner. I feel that I TMS doesn’t make it easier to find someone. If I work as much as I do this month it is also difficult to have a social life running. But my body tells me clearly,that all this discipline must be enough now. At least I allow myself to have evenings were i relax ... I got the message, I just don’t know what to do ... practically ...
  4. had

    had Peer Supporter

    And what are you supposed to do when it's your entire life? I cannot change most of the things I cannot stomach and do my best with the ones I can. All I ever get when I ask such questions is woo and philosphical stuff that's not helpful. The reality is a lot of us have bad lives, lives we don't enjoy and have immense difficulties that aren't "attitude" problems. They are lives anyone in this situation would struggle with, but when I try to get any sort of help I get people, who don't live like this, trying to convince me it's my fault somehow because I am not doing some vague thing correctly or somehow not choosing to love my objectively difficult and stressful life.
    Clarity likes this.
  5. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    Remember to never lose faith in the fact that it will end. As you know, the mind-body connection is part of nature and completely normal (I really don't even like referring to it as "TMS" because that can be confused for an actual condition, not just a natural bodily response everyone experiences). So there's nothing to be frustrated about. It all boils down to your stress.

    You will stop developing symptoms once you manage your stress and aren't wondering whether this will ever end. Nothing in life is permanent - your shifting symptoms, your stressors, your overall life situation, this forum, relationships with others, the way your hometown looks today, etc. Everything changes. Remind yourself of how powerful your mind is, and use that power to just live an awesome life. What helps put your mind at ease? Which fun activities do you wish to participate in, and what can you do to achieve at least one of them? You are a priority. I'm sorry work has been draining, and I know it's not always easy to get around that, but you have to try to find some sort of balance for yourself. You are only human.

    To me, even using the word "heal" on these forums is misleading - it's not really about healing (because there's nothing to actually heal), but about relaxing and calming yourself (the body will follow suit, per the mind-body connection). That's it. That will stop the 100% normal bodily response you have been experiencing. Stress triggers it. I'm glad you aren't afraid of the symptoms, but even feeling frustrated and like you are missing out on fun activities in life can turn on the stress response.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2019
  6. MWsunin12

    MWsunin12 Beloved Grand Eagle

    I understand. TMS symptoms are not your fault or mine. Even Dr. Sarno wrote that it is actual pain caused by tension, lack of oxygen/blood flow.

    I'm sorry that you are stuck in a life that Is so unhappy. I'm not trying to be philosophical here.
    When I was at my lowest I had to break my life down into 4 hour increments and say things to myself like: "Between now and noon, what can I do to participate in my own peace of mind?" Then, when noon would roll around, I would feel like...okay, I can do 4 more hours.
    I know this sounds simplistic...but looking at the big picture can be overwhelming. So, I'm writing this to you as a suggestion. Try living 4 hours at a time. Congratulate yourself for making it through the 4 hours. Then, take on another 4 hours.

    Anyway, thinking of you....and, hoping you can find a way through...and some peace.
  7. westb

    westb Well known member

    I ask myself similar questions sometimes, @Time2be. My IBS/irritable bladder symptoms certainly don't help my social life and I too would like to build more close relationships (and maybe meet a partner, though I have mixed feelings about the latter now). But close friendships of any kind are what I want and what are missing, The two closest friends I have do not live locally.

    But if I'm honest with myself, my romantic relationships have been disaster areas, just hearbreaking, all of them, and at the end of most of them I felt totally abandoned (echoes of childhood). I remember saying to myself after one particular disastrous and painful ending that almost destroyed me, that I would never put myself though that again. And even with friendships I find it hard to build lasting ones, though I have social skills and I'm good at making acquaintances. So, what happens? My body produces symptoms which in effect work against my getting out into the world and connecting. However I've been confronting the symptoms as best I can in the last few months and I'm out and about more and managing to connect with more people in the various groups/activities I've started to join, which is great and which feels positive (though always check on the location of the bathrooms if I'm going somewhere new!).

    So. I do the best I can to calm and soothe. I do regular guided mindfulness meditations, I walk in nature, both of which I love. I'm reading very helpful books. I let time pass, to quote Claire Weekes, and I trust and have faith. So I know where you're coming from time2be.
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  8. Sofa

    Sofa Well known member

    I believe that's when we just need to prioritize and address whichever areas are causing us the most sadness, etc. It's easier said than done I know. Sometimes just identifying these areas can be cathartic.
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  9. Time2be

    Time2be Well known member

    thanks for all your encouraging posts! To Caulfield@: I am always reluctant to use 'to heal'. I find the word corrupted by alternative mambo jambo. And, as you point out, bodily symptoms are part of our life, naturally. It is in this sense not a disease and there is nothing to heal. So, the TMS or Mind-Body-Syndrome label mimicks traditional medicine and is somewhat misleading. It is not a disease, it is a state of being, I fully agree with you...

    Having a great life, as you say Caulfield@, yes, I should not give up on that! - and I think we both are not thinking of some advertisement stupidity of being beautiful, healthy, rich with a wonderful job and a beautiful partner/family, always content and happy - this doesn't exist and I assume that we are all aware of this. So, what is an awesome life and do we have the power to realize this? There are things that are beyond our control and reach. To accept this is a first step. Then, what can we really do and change? I need to think about it and need to really do something about it. I am very good in intellectualizing things, not so good in really doing it ... I know, that I am doing much better if I am together with friends, so how can I get there?

    To Westb@: dissapointment and the feeling of abandonment are also well known to me (and it goes way back to my upbringing). I also thought of my marriage as a disaster, because it ended in a divorce. But maybe this is the wrong view: it was a relationship that lasted 23 years. There were good times. And then it ended with abandonment and a lot of grief on my behalf. I think I spent the last years thinking of me as the victim (though I ended the relationship). Now, I see it differently and I also start to see all my achievements since I had been divorced. Again, attitude, changing the perspective seems to be important.
    Could you find someone to have walks together? I do that sometimes with a friend. She is busy with family things at the moment, so I have to walk alone . I really understand the extra stress that IBS puts on you, knowing where to find the next toilette. My father, who also has IBS, says that when he doesn't care about it, he also don't need to go as frequently the toilet.

    While writing this I think that feeling like a victim is what might be one of the problems behind this. Feeling as a victim in a failed marriage and in life in general. There are people who are victims, for sure, I don't want to question that. And the rage, frustration, sadness, feeling of being helpless is absolutely justified. It might even not be possible to differentiate sharply between a legitimate feeling of being a victim and self-victimization, Anyway, I think I saw myself as a victim and also felt that I only can act out of defense. You cannot chose freely if you limit yourself to re-action in the first place. In my work life I needed to learn to leave this 'being-a-victim-comfort-zone'. However, in my private life I still sometimes pity myself - driving home in the evening and thinking of my colleagues sitting with their children for dinner, while I arrive in an empty home and hope that the TV program is not totally stupid ... I am really good at talking myself into a hole :)

    thanks again!! Your sympathetic posts really warmed my heart!
    readytoheal, westb and Sofa like this.
  10. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    To me, an awesome life means genuinely loving myself (although it's OK and very human for me to have some insecurities - it's about accepting that), loving the people around me, looking forward to things, participating in things that make me smile (something as simple as having a glass of champagne at my favorite neighborhood dive bar for an hour or two, reading a fantastic short story, petting my cat and hearing her purr in my lap, etc.), and feeling connected to life on a spiritual level (this doesn't have to mean religion for everyone - it can also include countless things like being part of nature, the universe, etc.). The small things are especially important.

    I'm sorry for the pain you've gone through. You are definitely not alone, even if it may feel like it sometimes. There are plenty of things for you to look forward to in life. Think about little things you can incorporate into your routine to make you feel a little more relaxed and break up the stress (no pressure!). Even if you feel incredibly busy, there's always time to fit in some joy. Whether that means adopting an animal (could even be as low maintenance as a goldfish or a frog), joining a book club that meets once a month, making a bucket list where you cook a crazy new meal from a different country every week, meditating for 5 minutes before bed and visualizing yourself as a loving ball of energy floating through space, packing a basic lunch every two weeks and giving it to a homeless person, watching 10 minutes of your favorite comedian after dinner, going for a 20 minute walk several times a week - whatever. Life is about happiness, love, and laughter, and it's also about struggling. That's what we're all here to do. To be alive is to struggle, and to never struggle in some way means to not be alive. Remember how powerful you are!

    You are not a failure for or a victim because of any struggles you have. Even the people you referenced - the ones going home and having dinner with their children - are struggling. You can be just as happy, and even happier, than anyone else. One thing I've been working on is just doing things and focusing on the moment, not thinking too deeply about anything else. It helps.
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018
  11. BloodMoon

    BloodMoon Beloved Grand Eagle

    I have been thinking about you and pondering how you could get some more company doing something you like doing - As you like walking, would you perhaps enjoy joining a walking club, if there's one in your area? - Just a thought.
    Time2be likes this.
  12. Time2be

    Time2be Well known member

    Dear Caulfield@, I do a lot of things, I even have a kind of visitor cat (and as cats are she comes and leaves as it suits her). I think the point to really value the things, the small things. I tend to see and remember the negative and forget the positive. But I am getting better at it! Thanks for your wonderful list. I had to smile when I read ‘champagne’ (which I love!). maybe a beer would be the way to do where I live.
    Feeling like a victim can become an underlying attitude that taints your experiences. I just recognized that changing this attitude makes everything looks much brighter.
    Bloodmoon@, I tried to find one. There are clubs for pensionists and they walk in my working hours. I think I should make an effort an create my own one.
    Let’s see how it works out. Right now I will enjoy knitting ...
  13. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    This is everything. You could be participating in dozens of fun activities each week and have millions in the bank, yet still not be happy if you aren't connecting with life in a way that helps you soak up positive feelings. I know a prominent lawyer in my city who made tens of millions of dollars and lived a very full life (lots of children, romance, ability to quit working or go on a hiatus anytime if he felt like it, the best vacations, private sauna to relax in, etc.), and from what I hear through friends, none of it mattered until he started changing his outlook after a specific situation he found himself in. Seeing the positive is critical. Nothing truly means anything, nothing truly trumps negative emotions like anxiety, until we can see and believe in the positive.

    It's just like how recognizing that symptoms are emotionally driven and not being afraid of them isn't enough - you also have to manage your stress and balance your emotions (this doesn't mean never having a bad day - again, those are part of life and completely unavoidable as we naturally deal with struggles).

    Even something as simple as smiling has been scientifically proven to trick the brain into releasing happy neurotransmitters. The brain is neuroplastic and we can retrain it to think differently. It may take a little time, so be patient with yourself. And never feel the need to be perfect and positive 24/7 - it won't happen, even for the happiest person on the planet. Just have faith in everything improving.
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018
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  14. BloodMoon

    BloodMoon Beloved Grand Eagle

    A great idea! :)
  15. westb

    westb Well known member

    Walking is one of the best TMS therapies for me. I've started pushing it up again recently following my foot operation.

    I'm actually one of those strange people who prefer to walk alone. In fact I can get quite tense if I have to engage in conversation with someone else while I'm walking because I then have to take my focus off what I see an hear around me, and especially when I walk in nature I don't want to do that. I need to pay attention to the trees and the river and the fields and the wildlife, so it becomes almost a walking meditation. I love meeting and interacting with people in a coffee shop, or in a domestic setting or elsewhere, or indeed on the phone, just not when I'm walking.
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
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  16. BloodMoon

    BloodMoon Beloved Grand Eagle

    Not strange at all! I'm probably strange though as, when I used to be able to go for a walk, sometimes I'd like company and sometimes I wouldn't.
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  17. westb

    westb Well known member

    Ah @BloodMoon, I'm sending positive thoughts that, step by step, at some point you'll be taking walks again, whether alone or accompanied. You're definitely putting in the work. xx
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  18. BloodMoon

    BloodMoon Beloved Grand Eagle

    You've just given me a lovely boost and made my day with your encouraging words - thank you, @westb! :) Xx
    westb likes this.
  19. NicoleB34

    NicoleB34 Well known member

    This happened to me. i've had pelvic/bladder pain for years and while the bladder is sort of in remission, i now have pudendal neuralgia. A few months ago, i decided to taper off of Gabapentin. I found that the withdrawels from this med really messed me up, mostly in the form of severe stomach pain. This can happen with gaba taper. however, more than anything, my nervous system was probably freaked out and rebounding. The odd thing was, when the stomach would really act up, the pudendal pain would scale back significantly. It was like the pain/tension was roaming. This happens a lot with TMS. I was almost certain it was due to my nervous system but they still made me do all the tests. After about 4 weeks, the pain just subsided.
    Time2be likes this.
  20. Gusto

    Gusto Peer Supporter

    I agree with everything Dorado said with one exception. MGK's diss track was better. Em could have done much better
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2019
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