Why no progress?

[NervePain]

In 2014 my TMS symptoms really started after a series of concussions. The main symptoms I had was a weird head pressure and a feeling on pins and needles around my head, as well as brain fog and processing issues. Then in 2016 I started having numb and tingling feet. I began searching for answers from doctors who said it was my back and then I started having lower back pain. Then in 2019, got so painful that I was having pain all over my back and my feet felt like they were being stabbed by knives. I was told I had to have back surgery and other fearful things by doctors (like not being able to walk in the future). That's when I discovered TMS. I didn't want back surgery. I had a hard time believing in TMS but begin by doing all the things I was afraid to do. Over time the back pain went away and the feet pain lessened. I begin having shifting symptoms and totally bought into the TMS. Since then, I don't restrict myself on anything and when I got new symptoms I would dismiss them and they would go away but the nerve pain in the feet always remained. I could also tell if I was getting stressed because I would get back pain again, so for me that was a good indicator to think psychologically. I could also tell that when I was going through longer stretches of happiness, my feet pain would significantly lessen. However, a couple years ago, many of the symptoms I had previously overcome have returned and I keep getting new ones. I don't really focus on them and keep just trying to live my life. However, it just seems like despite this approach that worked to reduce the symptoms isn't working and I am having all kinds of new symptoms despite my believing they are TMS. I also have this intense feeling of sadness that comes sometimes and I feel like crying but I never can.

In my psychological journey I could identify my stressors. I was married to an emotionally abusive wife (a narcissist) and was a new father and taking on a new job. When the feet symptoms started, we were investing in a house (though my subconscious was aware of the bad idea of making a further commitment in a bad marriage). I realized that during the marriage I had lost much of myself. I feel like I have done most of the psychological work. However, things have been getting worse.

What am I doing wrong, or what do I need to do to finally slay this beast?

 

[Diana-M]

I feel like I have done most of the psychological work. However, things have been getting worse.

Every time I think I’ve “done most of the work,” I discover something new. So more than likely, you’re not done yet. It takes as long as it takes. But I will say that healing from narcissistic abuse takes quite a bit. At least you’re still not in it! Give your nervous system time to heal and be patient. You have to get to the point where you don’t care if you ever heal; you’re happy anyway. That’s what will loosen its hold on you.

 

[BloodMoon]

What am I doing wrong, or what do I need to do to finally slay this beast?

I don't think you are doing anything wrong; I'd continue to do what worked for you, but suggest that you add some things, just one or two at a time to try for a good while, to self-soothe. I say this especially because you say you feel like crying but can't, and often we aren't able to cry until someone is nice to us (and I think that you will likely be in need of that powerful emotional release). The 'someone' to be nice to us can be ourselves. Dr. Sarno referred to the concept of self-soothing in his work, most notably through what he termed the “Soothe to Rage Ratio”. In his book “The Mindbody Prescription”, Sarno proposed that TMS symptoms can arise when there is more internal rage and not enough counterbalancing soothing or calming factors in one’s life. This means that, in Sarno’s model, self-soothing is not just helpful, but essential: it helps keep the nervous system in balance and lessens the need for unconscious pain as a psychological distraction. Self-soothing is a feature in Alan Gordon's Pain Reprocessing Training model too. (His method includes techniques such as somatic tracking, guided mindfulness, and self-talk to reframe the way the brain interprets pain signals.) So, some ideas for self-soothing...

• Practice Relaxation Techniques: Engage in deep breathing, meditation, or yoga. These techniques reduce body tension and promote calm, helping to soothe any emotional turmoil physically and mentally.

• Talk to Your Brain: Sarno suggested an active dialogue with yourself — when pain or tension arises, consciously remind yourself that the pain is a harmless distraction created by the brain to shield you from difficult feelings. This “talking down” your pain serves as a self-soothing tool to disarm the brain's strategy.

EDIT: Perhaps also consider doing some 'stream of consciousness' journaling... that is, write down anything that comes into your head, without censoring... no periods/full stops or commas... let it flow and see what it might produce and tell you, as there may be something that's bothering you that you are not currently aware is bothering you, and then you'll be able to release that possible tension.

 

[Diana-M]

To tag onto @BloodMoon’s great advice to self soothe, I recently discovered this on the Curable app (an app under direction of Alan Gordon). Put your hand (or both hands) over your heart and leave it there for a while. Your primitive brain registers this as a hug, which has been proven with brain scans to soothe your nervous system. I’ve been doing it a lot since I learned this, and it feels so good it’s actually addictive! (I thought it was silly at first, but now I’m a believer.)

 

[NervePain]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong; I'd continue to do what worked for you, but suggest that you add some things, just one or two at a time to try for a good while, to self-soothe. I say this especially because you say you feel like crying but can't, and often we aren't able to cry until someone is nice to us (and I think that you will likely be in need of that powerful emotional release). The 'someone' to be nice to us can be ourselves. Dr. Sarno referred to the concept of self-soothing in his work, most notably through what he termed the “Soothe to Rage Ratio”. In his book “The Mindbody Prescription”, Sarno proposed that TMS symptoms can arise when there is more internal rage and not enough counterbalancing soothing or calming factors in one’s life. This means that, in Sarno’s model, self-soothing is not just helpful, but essential: it helps keep the nervous system in balance and lessens the need for unconscious pain as a psychological distraction. Self-soothing is a feature in Alan Gordon's Pain Reprocessing Training model too. (His method includes techniques such as somatic tracking, guided mindfulness, and self-talk to reframe the way the brain interprets pain signals.) So, some ideas for self-soothing...

• Practice Relaxation Techniques: Engage in deep breathing, meditation, or yoga. These techniques reduce body tension and promote calm, helping to soothe any emotional turmoil physically and mentally.

• Talk to Your Brain: Sarno suggested an active dialogue with yourself — when pain or tension arises, consciously remind yourself that the pain is a harmless distraction created by the brain to shield you from difficult feelings. This “talking down” your pain serves as a self-soothing tool to disarm the brain's strategy.

EDIT: Perhaps also consider doing some 'stream of consciousness' journaling... that is, write down anything that comes into your head, without censoring... no periods/full stops or commas... let it flow and see what it might produce and tell you, as there may be something that's bothering you that you are not currently aware is bothering you, and then you'll be able to release that possible tension.

I will say that I'm not the best at being in tune with emotion and can only recognize it when symptoms increase. I tried some of those soothing techniques in the beginning of my journey but they usually made me feel inpatient and angry. I have a really hard time sitting still. I do the self-dialogue and am not really worried when something comes up. Just can be annoying some times and was surprised that when I had most of it seemingly under control, more things started up. Looks like I need to spend more time doing some work.

 

[BloodMoon]

I tried some of those soothing techniques in the beginning of my journey but they usually made me feel inpatient and angry.

This! Self-soothing made you 'angry'... I'd see if it still makes you angry... Because if it does, then I'd suggest that needs looking at because anger has everything to do with TMS.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

You might also want to examine why you joined a forum that is devoted to recovery, with a user name that self-identifies as your symptom. The question then becomes, how attached are you (unconsciously, of course) to suffering?

 

[NervePain]

You might also want to examine why you joined a forum that is devoted to recovery, with a user name that self-identifies as your symptom. The question then becomes, how attached are you (unconsciously, of course) to suffering?

Because I'm not that creative with usernames. That was also 6 years ago when I wasn't totally sure about TMS and just delving in. Now, anytime I get pain, I go with TMS first. However, I have a couple times ignored real injuries with that approach. I'm not attached with pain. I sometimes feel like I'm at war with my subconscious and just wonder if even that approach as treating it as an "other" is some of the problem. My struggles are really with how to deal with the mental aspects.

 

[NervePain]

You might also want to examine why you joined a forum that is devoted to recovery, with a user name that self-identifies as your symptom. The question then becomes, how attached are you (unconsciously, of course) to suffering?

Inpatient for sure. Some is frustration because things like the breathing and/or mediation I don't know if I'm doing it correctly (perfectionism) and I have this drive like I always need to be doing things on my "to do" list so sitting and breathing or mediation (my mind races and can't stay still) feels like I'm not getting things done.

 

[BloodMoon]

Inpatient for sure. Some is frustration because things like the breathing and/or mediation I don't know if I'm doing it correctly (perfectionism) and I have this drive like I always need to be doing things on my "to do" list so sitting and breathing or mediation (my mind races and can't stay still) feels like I'm not getting things done.

My suggestion is to resolve to simply start with doing 3 to 5 minutes meditation a day and very very slowly and gradually build up to longer from there -- And if you concentrate on slowing down your breathing by merely noticing and then lengthening your out breaths, it's impossible to be meditating wrongly...

Or don't sit and meditate, resolve instead to do some 'mindfulness' meditation as you go about the things you do during the day. You also can't go wrong with doing this, that is, 'peppering' your day with concentrating for a minute or so at a time on noticing what you are doing... e.g. if you're washing the dishes, you can place your attention on the feel of the warm water, the smoothness of the surface of the plates and observe the foam of bubbles in the water from the dish soap. When your attention wanders, when you realise it has, you just gently bring your attention back to what you're doing. You can, of course, apply this to anything you do (and it doesn't actually take any time out of your day)... washing your hands... brushing your teeth... combing your hair... you can just put your attention on what you're doing. (And to start off with, you don't need to 'pepper' your day with this, you can begin by just doing it once a day or so, and go from there.)

Another approach is to concentrate on lengthening your out breaths for a few moments when you're doing every day stuff... e.g. when I wash my hands I use this as a cue for me to do this. In fact though, you don't need to necessarily lengthen your out breaths, merely placing your attention on your breath will tend to slow your breathing down anyway and calm and soothe you.

If you find you're saying to yourself in response to these suggestions "yes, but..." (i.e. essentially coming up with reasons why this won't help or work for you) that would be down to your lizard TMSing brain being resistant because it wants to keep the status quo. If one wants to make progress one has to be determined to defy the TMSing brain.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Cactusflower]

Along with @Bloodmoon’s excellent suggestions to try, remind yourself that you are learning to meditate.
Learning is a state that accepts imperfections and does not expect mastery. It is a process.
Monks who have meditated for most of the day for many years report “monkey mind” as an actual part of meditation. It being present is not wrong or incorrect because part of teaching the mind -over much time- is to settle and gently bring it back to your neutral space. Time is part of the equation. There is no rush to learn to return your mind to the practice, and no judgement about doing so.. but you need to train your mind not to judge and just observe. This begins by maybe not placing judgement once a week even if you have meditated 7 days that week.
Your neural place does not need to be the breath if that is a trigger right now. It was for me. Choose a body part like your big toe, or the top of your left knee, behind your right ear..focus on the temperature, any sensations (even neutrality), give it a name, a color.. this playfulness also trains to mind that meditation is benign. If you feel sensations of anxiety or thoughts you judge as unwanted, let them be. Don’t avoid or push them away - then eventually return to your toe with gentle reminders.
Start with those short time spans Bloodmoon suggests and work up in length or number of sessions you can commit to.
Although you mind may tell you that this is not “work” - you’ll actually be doing quite a bit of work while learning to meditate, part of which is teaching the mind that you accomplish much while doing “nothing”.
Don’t give up. I spent a year actually being in tears even thinking about meditation. Then I began to observe the creative ways my mind liked to “stop” me, and saw the humor in the ringing ears, itchy nose, restless feet, sudden thirst, temperature “drop” and prepared for those events.. and meditated. I had much anxiety focusing on the breath and also saw that as a rouse of the mind - focusing on every “I can’t” to keep me from settling the mind. However, ultimately I am in control, not my mind. My mind is simply a function of brain activity and mind and soul are not the same thing. Once I recognized this, it was easier to exert control over my mind.
It took me another year to find moments of great meditation. I’ve had about 10 really great meditation events in 2.5 years. This is success.

 

[NervePain]

My suggestion is to resolve to simply start with doing 3 to 5 minutes meditation a day and very very slowly and gradually build up to longer from there -- And if you concentrate on slowing down your breathing by merely noticing and then lengthening your out breaths, it's impossible to be meditating wrongly...

Or don't sit and meditate, resolve instead to do some 'mindfulness' meditation as you go about the things you do during the day. You also can't go wrong with doing this, that is, 'peppering' your day with concentrating for a minute or so at a time on noticing what you are doing... e.g. if you're washing the dishes, you can place your attention on the feel of the warm water, the smoothness of the surface of the plates and observe the foam of bubbles in the water from the dish soap. When your attention wanders, when you realise it has, you just gently bring your attention back to what you're doing. You can, of course, apply this to anything you do (and it doesn't actually take any time out of your day)... washing your hands... brushing your teeth... combing your hair... you can just put your attention on what you're doing. (And to start off with, you don't need to 'pepper' your day with this, you can begin by just doing it once a day or so, and go from there.)

Another approach is to concentrate on lengthening your out breaths for a few moments when you're doing every day stuff... e.g. when I wash my hands I use this as a cue for me to do this. In fact though, you don't need to necessarily lengthen your out breaths, merely placing your attention on your breath will tend to slow your breathing down anyway and calm and soothe you.

If you find you're saying to yourself in response to these suggestions "yes, but..." (i.e. essentially coming up with reasons why this won't help or work for you) that would be down to your lizard TMSing brain being resistant because it wants to keep the status quo. If one wants to make progress one has to be determined to defy the TMSing brain.

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks! That's really great advice and seems something that is much easier for me to build in and increase in my habits.

 

[NervePain]

Along with @Bloodmoon’s excellent suggestions to try, remind yourself that you are learning to meditate.
Learning is a state that accepts imperfections and does not expect mastery. It is a process.
Monks who have meditated for most of the day for many years report “monkey mind” as an actual part of meditation. It being present is not wrong or incorrect because part of teaching the mind -over much time- is to settle and gently bring it back to your neutral space. Time is part of the equation. There is no rush to learn to return your mind to the practice, and no judgement about doing so.. but you need to train your mind not to judge and just observe. This begins by maybe not placing judgement once a week even if you have meditated 7 days that week.
Your neural place does not need to be the breath if that is a trigger right now. It was for me. Choose a body part like your big toe, or the top of your left knee, behind your right ear..focus on the temperature, any sensations (even neutrality), give it a name, a color.. this playfulness also trains to mind that meditation is benign. If you feel sensations of anxiety or thoughts you judge as unwanted, let them be. Don’t avoid or push them away - then eventually return to your toe with gentle reminders.
Start with those short time spans Bloodmoon suggests and work up in length or number of sessions you can commit to.
Although you mind may tell you that this is not “work” - you’ll actually be doing quite a bit of work while learning to meditate, part of which is teaching the mind that you accomplish much while doing “nothing”.
Don’t give up. I spent a year actually being in tears even thinking about meditation. Then I began to observe the creative ways my mind liked to “stop” me, and saw the humor in the ringing ears, itchy nose, restless feet, sudden thirst, temperature “drop” and prepared for those events.. and meditated. I had much anxiety focusing on the breath and also saw that as a rouse of the mind - focusing on every “I can’t” to keep me from settling the mind. However, ultimately I am in control, not my mind. My mind is simply a function of brain activity and mind and soul are not the same thing. Once I recognized this, it was easier to exert control over my mind.
It took me another year to find moments of great meditation. I’ve had about 10 really great meditation events in 2.5 years. This is success.

Thanks so much. As much as I want to tackle this, I do battle with bouts of "laziness" and procrastination. I did have a therapist tell me that she noticed I had resistance to things. I beginning to wonder if my ADHD is really just TMS. My first response on a lot of things have been "I can't" as you say because I would feel overwhelmed. I'll look at that resistance now as more of the TMS manifestation and call it out. The time my TMS symptoms were the most reduced was also a time I was best about not procrastinating about things in general. Your sharing about that year really resonates. Thanks for helping point out a path forward.

 

[Cactusflower]

Thanks so much. As much as I want to tackle this, I do battle with bouts of "laziness" and procrastination. I did have a therapist tell me that she noticed I had resistance to things. I beginning to wonder if my ADHD is really just TMS. My first response on a lot of things have been "I can't" as you say because I would feel overwhelmed. I'll look at that resistance now as more of the TMS manifestation and call it out. The time my TMS symptoms were the most reduced was also a time I was best about not procrastinating about things in general.

This is excellent insight! Many people report feeling that ADHD is a form of TMS - I believe it is very similar in function to folks who also think that OCD or at least OCD - like thinking is at play. I absolutely get you when you think "you can't" or get frustrated when "you can't" get it "right". It's not always about perfectionism, sometimes it is simply that overwhelmed feeling. If you are journaling, I think these topics are great ones for you to reflect upon. I think much of the "I cant's" are self-victimizing but also learned behaviors. I know that one of my parents really wanted perfect children so that people would have a good impression of her mothering skills. We were forced to learn tasks to some kind of her own idea of perfection (and at a very young age) - but the process of learning was not one of reward but of punishment and complaint (that sounds harsh, we weren't beaten into submission physically, but we sure were mentally at times. For a little kid, this is totally exhausting. Especially scrambling to figure out what the final expectation is: what is the "right" way to do things vs the "wrong" way we seem to always be doing.... perfection can be very arbitrary). I learned to never feel like I was enough or could do things well enough - add that to a kid with learning disabilities. Sarno would suggest that is a lot of fuel for the internal rage!

 

[NervePain]

This is excellent insight! Many people report feeling that ADHD is a form of TMS - I believe it is very similar in function to folks who also think that OCD or at least OCD - like thinking is at play. I absolutely get you when you think "you can't" or get frustrated when "you can't" get it "right". It's not always about perfectionism, sometimes it is simply that overwhelmed feeling. If you are journaling, I think these topics are great ones for you to reflect upon. I think much of the "I cant's" are self-victimizing but also learned behaviors. I know that one of my parents really wanted perfect children so that people would have a good impression of her mothering skills. We were forced to learn tasks to some kind of her own idea of perfection (and at a very young age) - but the process of learning was not one of reward but of punishment and complaint (that sounds harsh, we weren't beaten into submission physically, but we sure were mentally at times. For a little kid, this is totally exhausting. Especially scrambling to figure out what the final expectation is: what is the "right" way to do things vs the "wrong" way we seem to always be doing.... perfection can be very arbitrary). I learned to never feel like I was enough or could do things well enough - add that to a kid with learning disabilities. Sarno would suggest that is a lot of fuel for the internal rage!

I get the parent thing. I had a mother who had a lot of her own personal issues and was a very dominant personality (think the mother on The Bear but turned up). I grew up in a very cold household - no hugs or signs of affection - and no support or compliments. It was always comparison (why aren't you like so and so) and if we did a good job, it was the "well that's what you're supposed to do" if even an acknowledgement. Ironically my mom was an educator and would spend enormous amounts of her time on her students but ignore my schooling and couldn't recognize my own learning issues. The good is that she was an example of me of how not to parent and I am so careful about the messaging I give my own child. I thought I had cut myself off emotionally from my mother (by trying to pity and forgive her for her being a product of how her parents treated her), but a year ago she passed and I had a rush of different emotions I couldn't even identify. It was definitely surprising and there's more to uncover there than I likely realize. I'm aware of the issues but I guess I need to tackle them more than just be aware. Over my life I have become so adept at burying emotion and portraying calmness that there's likely an enormous amount of rage. Old ages, like still waters run deep, exist for a reason.

 

[Cactusflower]

I'm aware of the issues but I guess I need to tackle them more than just be aware. Over my life I have become so adept at burying emotion and portraying calmness that there's likely an enormous amount of rage. Old ages, like still waters run deep, exist for a reason.

This is why doing the SEP - the Structured Educational Program which is free on this website. Day 0 recommends reading a book by Dr. Sarno and he discusses how subconscious RAGE is at the center of our symptoms.... knowing why you need to tackle the emotional in his words is very helpful motivation. The SEP will take you through the work, step by step, day by day. Do it slowly, a little every day.

If you have a resistant mind it is helpful to make a schedule for yourself to get things done. Spend about 1/2 hr. per day working on the SEP (you can break longer days into two days, no harm in that) - which includes some journaling (so you really may need more like 45 mins). Another 20 mins or so dedicated to meditation at least to start off with. If you are working in smaller time amounts just break that into two 10 minute meditations. Move. Even if it's difficult, and painful just get your movement in, however you can manage and do it for as long as you can.

Live life. The rest of the time try and find a few things you enjoy doing or used to enjoy doing and do them again. Sometimes we need to also re-learn the enjoy part of this journey. I lost interest in everything and had to make myself become involved in life again.

Just keep up with a schedule, every single day.