Why is it hard for me to ask for support?

[Aimee88]

Yes, I'm having a big flare-up, and yes, I hate to admit it! In the night, in that might-be-awake-might-be-lucid-dreaming time, with awareness of pain, I formed the question for this post, and I think at that point committed to actually making this post.

I recongise these pains, these symptoms. They are TMS. I am aware of the stress and fear floating around right now (in the world, in my community), and this morning, I uncovered the link to the past, the times when I felt these things before: fear of poverty, fear of being alone, and the feeling of missing out on (not being good enough for) real friendships and connections.

And there is conflict, because I treasure time alone and I am enjoying time in my garden and time to cook good food, and the fact that I am the only one living in my house right now.

So, what part of my personality resists asking for help or support? Resists admitting to pain, and relapse and flare-up? Why am I reluctant to ask for help and support, when every time I come to this forum, I see nothing but beautiful examples of help and support? Could I have some help and support, please? Thank you.

 

[Northwood]

So, what part of my personality resists asking for help or support? Resists admitting to pain, and relapse and flare-up? Why am I reluctant to ask for help and support, when every time I come to this forum, I see nothing but beautiful examples of help and support?

Hi, Aimee88, I appreciate your questions. They speak to my own experience. Maybe some of what goes on for me goes on for you and in the overlap you'll find a bit of an answer. As I've learned, the TMS approach to resolving pain involves putting light on repressed emotions. So (once more in my life) I've been doing that. This time around I'm seeing more clearly how terrified I am of rejection. Absolutely terrified. Having grown up in a highly critical household, I've lived a life of trying to preempt rejection. One way to that is to be really nice, a form of manipulation. I learned to swallow so many of my objections to comments that affronted my values that I'd more or less lost my ability to argue vigorously in real time (for fear of trying). Also, fear of rejection, even if it's not a rational fear, makes it hard for me to ASK for help. I think fear (for me) comes from a profound lack of trust in people to stick with me for the long haul. And then when people do reach out and and give and start to trust me, well, I get scared. Oh, my God, they care! And now those caring people are going to stick around, and what if I screw up, or what if they push in on me and I can't handle their particular humanness--can't argue my case gracefully or courageously because I'm too nice? So, I accrue resentment (hardly recognized) in order to avoid hurting somebody and risking rejection. Nuts to it all. Anyway, fear of rejection makes it really hard for me to ask for help. Finally, asking for help doesn't fit a certain self image. This TMS stuff--I'm way at the beginning--but if I had some experience as you have, I'd struggle to reach out because I've got this script running that says, Well, you've had some success, or you know some stuff, so you should have this figured out; reaching out betrays that paradigm of misguided self-reliance. I'm in the process of dropping all of this stuff, and that process begins by putting words to foggy habits, seeing them for what they are, and learning how to say farewell to them. Ironically, I am beginning to discover an authentic fierceness that comes with seeing just how much I need others and am wholly a part of the circle of us all. That fierceness isn't much worried about rejection and makes asking for help much easier to do. Right now it's much easier for me to respond to your brave post than to put out an SOS myself. But I will. Your post helps. Here's hoping you find something helpful and supportive in this. Best wishes to you.

 

[Bonnard]

Hi, Aimee88, Having grown up in a highly critical household, I've lived a life of trying to preempt rejection. One way to that is to be really nice, a form of manipulation.

I can really relate to this.

Ironically, I am beginning to discover an authentic fierceness that comes with seeing just how much I need others and am wholly a part of the circle of us all. That fierceness isn't much worried about rejection and makes asking for help much easier to do.

Wow, this is powerful. I'm really glad for you. And I like the way you described it.
-----------
One thing that relates here: I was told to be extra gentle to myself. Dig in and write and feel the feelings. Get in touch with the unconscious pain....but don't be so hard on myself when it comes to struggles or symptoms returning, etc. As I'm typing, my internal critic is right now! acting up. But, I want to and will share the truth.

 

[plum]

Why am I reluctant to ask for help and support, when every time I come to this forum, I see nothing but beautiful examples of help and support? Could I have some help and support, please? Thank you.

Of course you can have some help and support my darling

First off, it’s ok and entirely natural to feel the way you do. I think we’re all feeling a touch rocky at the moment but many of us here are so used to being the helper that it feels flat out insane to ask for the help we so readily give to others. I’m very much like this so I emphasise greatly.

I have found that a good perspective, one that holds you safe is essential. For me my sacred beliefs and love of Mother Nature create an abundance of blessings whereby I can let myself nestle into her lap (literally or more often at the moment metaphorically). From this place and feeling of safety I’m better able to turn to the self-soothers that work like charms. I’m doing yin yoga most mornings and with this I focus on poses that are profoundly grounding which really helps me not spin off into a head full of fears. There are many real reasons to feel afraid right now but we can soften back and face these fears and threats with calm, courage and resilience.

Like you I have uncovered a few insights and made some connections reaching far back. There is some comfort yet some sadness in this. Room too for a lot of self-compassion.

In the end, self-compassion is the best place to rest. Compassion for needing help, for asking for it, for letting others give it. Compassion for our fears in these terrifying times. Compassion for the idiocy and the heroism and every place in between. And compassion for the part of you that creates TMS because it is only and ever trying to protect you. There is something lovely about this.

Cuddle in. Be small. Let your inner little child come out and hold them close. Soothe and care for yourself. Post here as and when you need. We’re here for you.

Plum xxx

 

[Aimee88]

Northwood said:

This time around I'm seeing more clearly how terrified I am of rejection. Absolutely terrified. Having grown up in a highly critical household, I've lived a life of trying to preempt rejection. One way to that is to be really nice, a form of manipulation.

Wow, I have not considered this fear of rejection, but reading your reply, I definitely resonated with 'a life of trying to preempt rejection.' I recognise myself there. Thank you.

 

[Aimee88]

Thank you, Plum....

In the end, self-compassion is the best place to rest. Compassion for needing help, for asking for it, for letting others give it. Compassion for our fears in these terrifying times.

Tonight I just had too much going on, and so I cancelled myself in an online meeting, and I'm here to read these lovely words, and then I will be resting in compassion. Tomorrow is another day. Thank you.

 

[Okcowgirl]

I recongise these pains, these symptoms. They are TMS. I am aware of the stress and fear floating around right now (in the world, in my community), and this morning, I uncovered the link to the past, the times when I felt these things before: fear of poverty, fear of being alone, and the feeling of missing out on (not being good enough for) real friendships and connections.

Ah yes, fear of poverty, fear of missing out - these ring a bell! Fear of poverty is huge for me! It is often very helpful to find a link to the past and trace it back and do some unraveling. Not always fun, but often helpful.

And there is conflict, because I treasure time alone and I am enjoying time in my garden and time to cook good food, and the fact that I am the only one living in my house right now.

And yes I also treasure time alone, however that may be because I have so little energy. So many juxtaposed feelings.

So, what part of my personality resists asking for help or support? Resists admitting to pain, and relapse and flare-up? Why am I reluctant to ask for help and support, when every time I come to this forum, I see nothing but beautiful examples of help and support? Could I have some help and support, please? Thank you.

Well here is another example of help and support I am new here but i do see myself in so many conversations. I totally understand reluctance to ask for help. For me, it is my competitve nature, it feels like I am failing. Not my favorite. I have been at this for a few months now and don't see changes, so don't want to broadcast that to the world. I would really rather be posting a great fast success story lol. I also am sensitive to posting a less than positive post and discouraging someone who is needs to see success, etc.

Whew! That was all about me....hahaha. I meant to say "Good for you for reaching out! Great move! Especially if it is new to you. That is always hardest, making a change in behaviour. Keep it up. We are here.

 

[Okcowgirl]

Hi, Aimee88, I appreciate your questions. They speak to my own experience.
....One way to that is to be really nice, a form of manipulation.
Ah yes, friendly manipulation...I am a master lol.

And now those caring people are going to stick around, and what if I screw up, or what if they push in on me and I can't handle their particular humanness--can't argue my case gracefully or courageously because I'm too nice?
YES! what IF I can't handle their particular humaness.... Haha I feel you there, for sure.
So yeah, not many new friends.
And then I feel lonely and forgotten. sigh.


Ironically, I am beginning to discover an authentic fierceness that comes with seeing just how much I need others and am wholly a part of the circle of us all. That fierceness isn't much worried about rejection and makes asking for help much easier to do. Right now it's much easier for me to respond to your brave post than to put out an SOS myself. But I will. Your post helps. Here's hoping you find something helpful and supportive in this. Best wishes to you.

Wow, an authentic fierceness! I would love to find that as well. Authentic! And to be brave enough to speak my truth! Hopefully without crying.lol. I am new here, so hoping for some of those things ....
BTW, you do have a lovely way of saying what you mean. I hope to get better at that as well.
I hear your SOS and send you love, authentically. <3
Blessings

 

[Northwood]

I definitely resonated with 'a life of trying to preempt rejection.' I recognise myself there.

I'm finding as I get to know myself better (or re-know myself) and re-connect with what is native and authentic in myself, the fear of rejection and the need to preempt rejection diminishes. One's solid ground is beautiful ground and that becomes so obvious that opinions to contrary lose their power. Hope you're doing well.

 

[Northwood]

I am new here, so hoping for some of those things ....

HI, OKcowgirl,
I saw your introductory post. Welcome! Lots of good support and wisdom here. I've learned a lot reading people's posts and following some of the links they've embedded. Resource leads to resource and pretty soon you find a groove that gets the teaching going.