Why does a job I love trigger me?

[Lonewolfbunny]

So...I have been dealing with pain into my teeth...that were originally caused by a gum infection. Since it has already healed, and the dentist found no issues with my teeth...and I have no symptoms when eating or brushing etc...I am fairly certain it is just one of my many TMS symptoms. It follows months of migraines which are mysteriously gone as a result of my new pain preoccupation...before this I had vertigo, before that shoulder pain, neck pain, bladder, RSI anxiety, pure O, blah blah. I have been doing the work...and had a four day stretch of not working but stayong very active at home gardening. I had some very powerful moments of feeling "done" with this new symptom. The problem is I returned to work today and it came back periodically. I know that can't be a coincidence. I own my own business and we are doing well despite these stressful times (essential service). The only this I can think that is happening is my attachment to the idea of pain = failure =rejection...because I am accountable to business partners...one whom is a friend who I dont want to let done. When I am pain distracted my work/creativity suffers...and she and I are very close so I can't hide it. I guess I told myself I was not outcome independent but clearly I am. I feel sad right now and like crying...if I give into this emotion has TMS drawn me back? I also really want to release this sadness....

 

[Baseball65]

because I am accountable to business partners...one whom is a friend who I dont want to let down

There is a lot more to a job than whether or not you like the work.... Who depends on me?, how much money I make?, how much other people are making?, how it supports or drains my personal relationships? and other hobbies?, etc.etc.etc....

if I give into this emotion has TMS drawn me back

Uh.. No. We get TMS because we need a distraction...usually from anger. No matter how much I like somebody, if the outcome of my work impacts them I resent that responsibility. Period. Sarno gave us too many examples to count.

A lot of us get into twists about confusing our ethics with how we really are. Our ethics are our 'Moses' or super-ego. Most of us don't or can't live up to them but fancy our self 'good people' for meaning well.... but the world judges us on our actual outcomes , not our intentions. That is rage inducing as we have to deal with all of the little challenges that keep us from being perfect. Go ahead and cry...afterwards, when You've calmed down you might reflect on why that relationship might be making you angry.... We don't need distractions from 'perceived' emotions we are feeling...we need distractions from unconscious ones that are threatening our self image.

 

[Lonewolfbunny]

Those answers make sense to me. I feel a lot of pressure to be the creative one...because I am, nor ever have been, really adept at the financial management end and so I feel like an imposter a bit. Our business was recently awarded best new business in our rural area and I felt nothing...like somehow I was not a part of the success...or I felt guilty because I wasn't really worthy of it??? I have created a lot of the brand, website etc...intellectually I know this is bullcrap but some part of me is still wagging a finger. I think I do resent working so hard and never having money lol which all new business owners can relate to...and yes I prefer my hobbies. I honestly would just hide at home right now if I could, even though on so many levels that would eventually not really address what I am struggling with...which I think is fear of not measuring up...ever...to some mysterious concept

 

[Lonewolfbunny]

Thanks so much for the response! I will be exploring the anger aspect of my need to please my partner for fear of rejection. I think it does anger me that I keep having to "prove" my worth and it never ends. Of course, it is a business I own and need to help succeed but yes...sometimes I am exhausted by all the shoulds.

 

[Baseball65]

which I think is fear of not measuring up...ever...to some mysterious concept

Your statement there is the basic Human alienation that everybody suffers from. It's good you got down there and dug it out, but don't waste any time trying to fix it... you can't. That is actually the 'hole' that God fits in (IMHO).... otherwise we tend to fill it with food, drugs, sex, shopping and other distractions
As regards TMS that is at the center of the rage factory. I will never be a good enough athlete, worker, father, lover, fellow human.... and that makes the 'adult' in me angry.

Our business was recently awarded best new business in our rural area and I felt nothing...like somehow I was not a part of the success...or I felt guilty because I wasn't really worthy of it?

That's about as human as it gets.

Our feelings of low self esteem, Narcissism and selfishness and altruism are all swirling around in the maelstrom that we think of as ourselves.... that's normal. As regards our freedom from TMS, rooting out the anger caused by them is always going to be the most effective way of banishing those symptoms.

sometimes I am exhausted by all the shoulds.

Home run! Those "should's" and "Oughta's" are the biggest culprit.

and lastly....

I honestly would just hide at home right now if I could

Is that a general feeling or does it have to do with the current scary narrative they are promoting?

...and now, after a lap around the ears, it isn't the job at all, huh?! I am only asking you the questions I ask myself whenever I have an issue. I don't need better answers...always better questions.

peace

 

[Lonewolfbunny]

Thank you so much for you excellent questions/support! I have one last query...what does one do with the anger once recognized? Or does recognition itself hold power? Just accept and observe ?

 

[Baseball65]

Thank you so much for you excellent questions/support! I have one last query...what does one do with the anger once recognized? Or does recognition itself hold power? Just accept and observe ?

all of us on the forum who have recovered have slightly different takes on this. I am from the 'act it out, give it a voice, give it your mind' school of thought, though I am not sure that is 'right'... it just works for me.

But, yes, the one thing that all of us DO agree on is that awareness of it is key to recovery.... A lot of 'really nice people' are shocked when they start searching and ruminating on their life situations, how many little pockets of outright Rage they allow to pass unchecked ,examined or dealt with. Just that shock of awareness is sufficient to end symptoms for some.....

I myself like to roll around in it like a dog playing in Mud.

That Might be a good question to start a new thread???

peace

 

[Lonewolfbunny]

I agree! A thread on this would be very interesting. I let myself notice several times today how I really felt and what I thought was anxiety was also mixed up with anger...a pinch of shame, then anger about feeling shame...in other words there were layers. Just recognizing this was interesting. That my anxiety is not just some one dimensional sensation. And definately my pain and anxiety are linked.

 

[plum]

I feel a lot of pressure to be the creative one...because I am, nor ever have been, really adept at the financial management end and so I feel like an imposter a bit...and yes I prefer my hobbies. I honestly would just hide at home right now if I could, which I think is fear of not measuring up...ever...to some mysterious concept

This aspect makes so much sense to me. One of the worst decisions I ever made was to turn a creative hobby that I adored (dancing) into a self-employed venture. I wasn’t ready for it (I wasn’t really experienced enough so I endured rabid imposter syndrome), I didn’t enjoy teaching (whereas I could blissfully spend the night hours getting high and dancing on my lonesome), and I epically resented the pressure of helping my female students *find* their lost inner goddess (because easing people through layers of shame is a galactic level of responsibility).

I should have just stopped, had a break, returned to the stuff I actually relished but I let myself get roped into ever more committed and serious endeavours until I imploded with atrocious Achilles tendinitis and kicked the whole thing into touch. I have such great regrets about this. I couldn’t even listen to music for years without it dredging up cascades of painful emotions. TMS had a field day.

Sometimes dreams are best left as dreams...

Your statement there is the basic Human alienation that everybody suffers from. It's good you got down there and dug it out, but don't waste any time trying to fix it... you can't. That is actually the 'hole' that God fits in (IMHO).... otherwise we tend to fill it with food, drugs, sex, shopping and other distractions.

Man, was I happy in those days.
Sacred Dancer. Tantric Lover.

I myself like to roll around in it like a dog playing in Mud.

That Might be a good question to start a new thread???

peace

Start the thread dude. It promises to be a good one.

 

[plum]

I agree! A thread on this would be very interesting. I let myself notice several times today how I really felt and what I thought was anxiety was also mixed up with anger...a pinch of shame, then anger about feeling shame...in other words there were layers. Just recognizing this was interesting. That my anxiety is not just some one dimensional sensation. And definately my pain and anxiety are linked.

I’m such a slow burner I didn’t even realise I was suffering with anxiety. I thought it was the natural consequence of having a weird personality, square pegs and round holes and all that jazz. And that is partly true however it need not be painful.

The latest emotion to my party was guilt. In my old life I literally NEVER experienced it. The joys of being in your own joyful, selfish groove.

Over time you get better at recognising your emotions and the various emotional blends, and the whole process becomes more interesting, less confusing, for me anyway. I used to think I had to identify emotions, nail them down like a natural scientist pins down bugs but these days I give them the flow and bleed that is their nature.

Music is a great way of exploring and expressing emotional blending. It’s amazing how one song can blaze through your heart snagging a handful of emotions as it goes. This is why I caution against intellectualising emotions. Sarno was on the money here. The mind esteems test tubes because they are sterile and controllable. The heart knows life is wild, majestic and mysterious and cannot be held in words. (Though poets and songwriters do very well).

 

[Lonewolfbunny]

I am definately a square peg. I was always the weird one. I never really fit in within the workplaces I was at...even when I excelled. My previous job before starting this business I was bullied and ended up with a diagnoses stress injury so this is probably playing a role with my anxieties in this new position. I dont have a boss anymore per se which I love, but I am my own worst boss. I do enjoy the creative aspects of my job when I get off my own back! I keep thinking I am falling short? Or what if I do? Or the best one...what if I stop being creative...what then? @plum I have taught classes in art and loved teaching kids and special needs adults (my last job) but doing paid workshops with adults was not what I imagined. The last one was soul destroying lol. I feel like art workshops are giant therapy workshops...except the participants dont realize they are acting out their own issues in the class and you are the one support worker for 10 people simultaneously...I mean thats how it felt. I tend to catastrophize