Day 5 When I was 27, I had my first baby and was blindsided...

[dlane2530]

by severe depression and anxiety and insomnia. She was so unhappy. She was such an unhappy baby. She didn't sleep. I was trapped when she napped because she only napped on me and I couldn't move. I spent hours needing to use the bathroom but not moving for fear she would wake up and then when she finally woke up I would nurse her first, use the bathroom, have 15 mins and then she would want to nurse again. She was either nursing or screaming. The damn pediatrician didn't care, nobody cared, everybody just told me what I couldn't do: couldn't co-sleep, couldn't sleep train, couldn't this, couldn't that. All I wanted was to heal from my unhappy childhood by giving my daughter a happy childhood but all that happened was that I made her unhappy. Sleep went out the window. This was probably the beginning of my sleep trouble. Yes, I didn't sleep because she was awake. She is a teen now and still often unhappy and I am constantly reminded of how much I have failed my children.
Later after baby 4 was born I just didn't sleep no matter what. Trazodone helped but now this time in the present day when I am 41 no medication helps me sleep. I took remeron for ten days and at first it helped with sleep but too much and then it stopped helping. But now I am on day 3 without it and not sleeping much and having more symptoms...light sensitivity...pupils dilating unequally...
I forgot to write about how I feel. I feel that I have failed and I feel unsafe because if I'm not making everyone happy then they might hurt me. I feel unsafe unsafe unsafe I feel angry and sad and afraid that I don't function like a normal person. Sleep is safe and my life is safe so why can't I feel safe and why can't I sleep. Oh I am trying to be outcome independent. But I get scared. Big cathartic emotions in therapy yesterday and now is this an extinction burst after that? Or am I in danger from not being on the remeron? But taking the remeron causes problems too...I feel trapped, like I'm the exception to all the rules about things going basically okay for people. Oh I want to be held by my mother and for her to keep things safe so I can sleep. But she is gone so I am the only one who can keep things safe but apparently I can't keep things safe. What will happen to my children?
Wow, I'm really upset and this does not feel good. I hear an internal "you need to try to calm down a bit" because not being calm leads to no sleep too. What a catch 22. I want to have hope that this is an extinction burst plus minor withdrawal from the remeron (shouldn't be much after only ten days on it). My big symptom is my eyes and yesterday some eyedrops damaged my contact so everything went blurry and my eye burned...I was scared last night.
Today allergies and fatigue and muscle pain are all acting up but I don't want to take allergy meds because they bother my eyes. Lord carry me out of all of this. Give me peace and freedom.

 

[Joulegirl]

Extinction burst unfortunately can happen as we start this work. I dealt with it and it really throws you for a loop! I had a flare this past weekend and it really got me down. Sometimes we just need to feel down for a hot minute before we get back up and try again. Look at your flare up as your nervous system trying to protect you.
Only you can make yourself feel safe. You will need to find things that calm down your nervous system. It's a trial and error to find what works for you. For me-visualizations and meditations work wonders for me (using youtube). I use them after I journal or before bed to help me sleep.
As I read through your post, I could feel the anger, frustration, and panic. I think you will have a lot of topics to journal about while you go through the SEP. But be careful about pushing for healing or feeling like it needs to happen now. Your nervous system will take that as a threat and you will be stuck in a loop.
I love listening to Nicole Sach's podcast "The Cure for Chronic Pain." On Season 1 episode 45 she talks to Dan Buglio about fear and acceptance over your symptoms. If you have time, that would be a good one to listen to as you are starting out. (And btw...all of her episodes are so good!)

 

[dlane2530]

Thank you for the encouragement @Joulegirl !

 

[Diana-M]

@dlane2530
Big Hug!!!!!
I feel so much in your posts, So many similar feelings, and so my heart is aching to somehow help you. My children are raised, and I have grandchildren. Now my oldest grandchild will be 13. (and my pain continues related to them and my adult children.) So, needless to say we are both working on some of the same issues causing our TMS.
Here are the key things I heard you say in the post above that might be insightful for you:

All I wanted was to heal from my unhappy childhood by giving my daughter a happy childhood but all that happened was that I made her unhappy.

She is a teen now and still often unhappy and I am constantly reminded of how much I have failed my children.

I feel that I have failed and I feel unsafe because if I'm not making everyone happy then they might hurt me.

I feel unsafe unsafe unsafe

I am the only one who can keep things safe but apparently I can't keep things safe. What will happen to my children?

Your guilt and worry about your children is overwhelming you. I hope you don’t mind if I share a little of my story to help you see that I know what you’re feeling. I was raised in an extremely dysfunctional violent home that later added my mother getting very sick. I have severe mother-loss, to put it mildly. I have never felt safe in my entire life. It’s one of the things I’m working on. I married an abusive man and ended up going through a very difficult divorce that gave my 3 children the very trauma I was hoping to avoid for them. My one goal was to have children and give them the safe childhood I didn’t have. They are all raised now and they are functioning really well, but they have sadness, depression and some of them have addiction problems. My oldest one is mean to me sometimes and guilts me a lot. He sends my TMS through the roof— and only because I blame myself for everything that ever happened to them.

Here are two things I’ve learned in the past year of working on my TMS. I’m also a Christian so this is a big part of my healing outlook. We help God bring his children to life. And we do our very best to raise them. But he never set up the program to be that any child goes through a perfect childhood or any person goes through a perfect painfree life. It’s impossible to give this to them. We have to turn them back over to God —-over and over, every day. And we have to learn to love ourselves. Forgive ourselves. And see things in a more realistic light. This is a very hard job; not easy to accomplish. Along this line, what has helped me the very most is an unlikely book. It’s called Feeling Good, by David Burns. (I know you’re overwhelmed with books and suggestions right now so you probably won’t look into it, but maybe you can file it away and check it out sometime.) The book teaches you to look at your thinking, understand where it’s not correct, and change your thinking to be more realistic. These corrections in thought drastically change how you feel; they improve your moods and fight depression. Every day, I write down my chronic thoughts, and the first thing I write usually is “I’m a bad mother.” This has made me sad to see over and over. And it made me look at all the good things I’ve done. I haven’t been a bad mother. But I wanted to be a perfect mother, a mother that could keep my children from feeling pain. So, I failed. But I know now this is wrong. I was just a person. I did my best— I still do my best! And my best is probably pretty good. Make a list of all the things you’ve done for your kids and you still do. All the fun happy things you’ve done with them. Really look at how much you love them!

Picture yourself at about four years old, and let little four-year-old you climb into your lap and engulf her in your arms— and then just rock her. Tell her you love her; tell her she’s safe. Wrap a blanket around her and rub her little head. She’s still in there and she needs a hug. You need a hug! You’re doing a really good job! Somehow you have to get yourself to believe it. Pray for that!
***
Remeron: I’ve been on antidepressants for 30 years. I tried Remeron once and it was horrible for me. I went off of it without any problems. I’m on Wellbutrin. a few years ago, I went off of it because I thought I was doing OK. It was before the pandemic. I was afraid to go off because everyone puts so much fear into going off of antidepressants. I think it makes you expect something to happen. but I had no problems. after the pandemic started I needed it again so I’ve been back on it. honestly, my true opinion— I don’t think the Remeron withdrawal is causing your eye problems. I think it’s just what your TMS brain attached your fear to. start telling your brain that it’s OK. You were only on it 10 days. It Didn’t even have time to settle in. Tell your TMS brain that you’re not going to be ruled by this fear any longer! your eyesight is going to come back!

 

[dlane2530]

@Diana-M This means so much to me! Thank you!
Also...I just noticed the word I used in the subject line -- "blindsided." If that doesn't prove that my eye issues are anxiety/TMS, I don't know what could.
Maybe I feel blindsided by life. I wanted to have a happy, thriving family at this point. But I am in so much pain that I can't "see" that family and all the good things. I am so convinced that I am in danger. But I am safe. If I really believed I hadn't failed, that things were good, these symptoms wouldn't matter to me. It wouldn't matter if things were a little blurry now and then or if I didn't sleep so well. Because I'd see it in the context of all the good.

 

[dlane2530]

I was on the fence about whether to journal only privately or to do the SEP prompts on here. I'm so glad I did it here because your (all who reply!) insight and encouragement is so helpful. I feel so lonely!

 

[Diana-M]

If I really believed I hadn't failed, that things were good, these symptoms wouldn't matter to me.

so true! that’s a good catch on the blindsided!

there’s this book that’s been around for a long time called, HEAL YOUR BODY The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them, by Louise L. Hay.

in it she looks at all the body parts and she has these answers that she figured out by studying all of her patients, what these conditions represent. it’s kind of interesting to read, and I thought you might like to see what it says about Eyes.


PROBLEM: Eye(s) PROBABLE CAUSE: Represents the capacity to see clearly—-past, present, and future.
NEW THOUGHT PATTERN: I see with love and joy.

PROBLEM: Eye Problems
PROBABLE CAUSE: Not liking what you see in your own life.
NEW THOUGHT PATTERN: I choose to see life as eternal and joyous. I am eternal and joyous and at peace.

 

[dlane2530]

That is amazing. Thank you.

I am dealing with some dry eye/irritation/allergies...I know this is TMS, too. Much of the time my distance vision (and sometimes all vision) is blurry in my left eye.

You know what fixes it?

Crying.

Not rinsing the contact lens. Not eyedrops. Crying.

 

[Diana-M]

You know what fixes it?

Crying.

Not rinsing the contact lens. Not eyedrops. Crying.

How symbolic is that?!

 

[chris_mom]

How symbolic is that?!

Hi, I just wanted to mention a recent conversation with my ophthalmologist brother-in-law (who is for the first time in his life learning about TMS!!) He is convinced through his decades of experience that dry eye and eye pain (and at least one other condition that actually affects the thickness of the retina) are stress-related or mind-body conditions and that the most he can do for these patients is let them know there is nothing structurally wrong with their eyes.

 

[dlane2530]

That is really helpful to hear. Thank you.