Day 16 When I have to do something I feel sleepy

Since starting this program have you told anyone about your condition and TMS? Why or Why not?

I told someone that I'd been on a few dates with. I don't know if it was a good idea and how it affected her since she doesn't reveal a lot of her thoughts. I did it because I'm not sure how else to go about things. I spend a lot of my time dealing with this so I wouldn't even know how to talk about my week. Perhaps it's better that she know about this then think that I'm lazy. It's a lousy choice for me to have to make though.
Unfortunately I also have some issues with relationships and trusting people. I'm pretty prepared to get an email from her saying that it's a bad time for her. I think I'll deal with it okay but that may just be because I'm burying a lot of stuff.

When I have to do something I feel sleepy. Then again I feel sleepy a lot- it's one of my main symptoms. I'm not sure this something that gets triggered since I feel sleepy when I don't have things I have to do but I thought that I'd try and write about it. Perhaps it's caused by an emotional exhaustion.
This would make sense since I am emotionally exhausted. I've run out "fight" against TMS and for life in general. There's still a little bit there but it's not like what I used to have. This is just some fight so I don't completely give up- I've lost a lot of hope for having progress. This happened because every time I thought I was progressing it turned out to be delusional. I'm glad for realizing this progress was delusional because I did a lot of stupid things for a very long time to make myself better. This included all sorts of physical therapies- many of my own devising. Strange stretches, devices I would wear at night, doing my own cupping- I don't want to think to think about it all.
This year I've stopped doing these things and I'm grateful for it but some of the reason has been that I've just given up. I moved some of that effort towards working with my emotions. I did countless meditation sessions, I've been going to therapy for years, I've read many books, done hypnosis, EMDR, etc. I really haven't seen more progress from having an emotionally centered viewpoint.
The only thing that seems to make some progress these days with muscle tension has been playing sports and unfortunately that has not helped with my exhaustion.
I'm tired of being tired but not in angry way- just a tired one.

 

Endless Luke- I really haven't seen more progress from having an emotionally centered viewpoint.

Eric- You've had no progress?

 

So I went to a meeting yesterday and I was looking at the ceiling most of the time instead of being able to look people in the eyes. I just couldn't find a position for my head that was stable and not exhausting on my neck. The best positions were when it was back too far but even that was problematic and certainly kept me from being present.

Yes, in some ways there have been some progress but by the metric of being more functional- of being able to even stand without being really strange and unnatural- I haven't made the changes I'm looking for.

 

You do meditation much Endless Luke
I know that seems like a worn out word.
I have to ask, it takes a lot of soothing when you have to face
the things your going through.

You have to have the inner resistance that's cant be moved
for the long haul and doesn't care if anyone has negative thoughts.
Your just going to carry through ya know.

I notice I get a lot of soothing from different meditations like
mindfulness and flow
to stay course-ya know-