Day 42 What's the difference between avoiding something and emotional suppression

I just always wondered about this difference between avoiding some kind of situation or someone that we don't want to engage with, counciously or uncounciously, and when we are supressing our emotions, because we don't or can't react like we want to in that moment of time? I feel like somtimes I'm aware of that feeling to not engage just let it go ,because it will take my energy and maybe makes me feel bad afterwards, but also I'm concerned that maybe I'm just blocking my feelings inside and that will just add more emotional troubles inside me.

 

Great question. Stuff like this used to confuse me as well...and probably still does, but I have enough experience getting over relapses that I can start to get impressions that turn into good practice.

Usually stuff you are consciously avoiding, like a problem family member, A crappy co-worker, an uncomfortable discussion. If you are AWARE that you are avoiding it, that isn't repressed. Probably NOT part of TMS. We all have likes and dislikes. What probably needs to be looked at is WHY I tend to avoid that situation, person, etc.
There might be an uncomfortable truth about yourself hidden in there that you don't want to see...That is probably very important as regards TMS.

 

This is where TMS lives, my friend. When you dread some people, take a goooooood look there! Journal your butt off. Try to discover what’s going on there. Something is there, for sure. And you might just discover that you need to permanently get rid of that person— but it will be hard and painful and you don’t really want to do it. Doing it will make you feel like a bad person (that could be what you’re suppressing). Healing from TMS is an all about learning from all these situations. And there is probably more than one. The free class here on the forum is an excellent way to look at all these things. it’s called the structured educational program. it will walk you through everything. or you could check out Nicole Sachs (she has a great podcast; start at the beginning). Or you can read her new book, Mind Your Body. Nicole worked with Sarno. She’s got a good way of journaling to release the secrets that keep TMS alive.

 

Your goal is to not avoid a feeling. I avoided many things because of the fear of specific feelings. Quite normal, humanly things, that I developed anxiety toward with no rational explanation, other than my brain decided to fire a danger signal.

 

Thank you all @Baseball65 , @Diana-M ,@HealingMe for your replies! I appreciate that.
It's like we need to pay attention to our reactions on a daily basis which is the core of awareness but i don't know if sometimes you feel maybe anxious about paying this attention or maybe it's just my brain not used to it yet so it makes me feel like i need to run from that and do what i automatically programed to do.
And also your replies remind me of the principle of " responding not reacting", because as i understand from that is to CHOOSE willingly what to say and what to do depends on how you feel truly inside.

 

I think staying present every minute of your day is difficult and puts immense pressure on yourself. I think we would've all mastered TMS by now if that were the case. I caught myself repressing yesterday (My feeling is silly, why would I feel this way? No normal person would feel this way about this situation), connected the dots, and reflected on why my friend's response triggered me.

At the time I was in bed at home so I was able to take note of the feeling in my chest, how it felt, visualized what it looked like. You can even say to yourself out loud how you feel "I feel hurt" "I feel ashamed" "I feel mad" and that's OKAY! It's OKAY to feel. This is a wonderful step to acknowledge it. Sometimes I'm out and about in public and can't do this, so I'll make a mental note to reflect on it in the evening or journal about it. It gets easier with time to undo bad habits, not impossible at all. The brain is highly neuroplastic.

 

I do this too!
I can sort of recognize the awkward momentary flash of something that is pulling on a deeper issue. I might not have enough attention to address it immediately since I am Painting or doing carpentry, out shopping for groceries...but I always say a quick prayer...send a note down there.
"Dear God...I know there is something I need to look at here, but I am currently occupied. I am asking for an extension...please do not allow this to start TMS."
It's peculiar...these passing icebergs have a lot of similarity to dreams. If I don't bark a note into my 'notepad' on my phone, it might sail by completely ignored...and that's how TMS usually gets a toehold.
It's worth mentioning, that when I have done this, it has never turned into TMS...so it's helpful.

 

This reminds me of the "container" in EMDR. You can put the issue to the side for the moment but only because you have a plan for coming back to it -- and you *must* follow through for that to be effective. I know this has helped me at night -- to write out, before bed, all my worries and then say that night is not a time for worry, but in the morning I will address my worries. The second part is what makes it helpful. The first part along is just repression.

I struggle with figuring out how to allow my emotions when I'm a homeschooling mom of four kids. My kids are with me most of the time and I need to not be crying lots or being angry or whatever. I know it's good to model how to handle all emotions well but I'm not there yet. This leads to a lot of repression for me because there's so much emotion!!!!

 

That was a problem for me when I read The Power of Now. I'd try to stay in the present but TMS and anxiety would smash my efforts to bits. Also several healing practices include visualizing the future or healing the past.
Ironically now that I don't aim it anymore, I find myself living the present way more than before...

 

1. You FEEL emotions - so no matter what you are doing, you can feel them. Just let the sensations of the emotion flow through your body. This is a great way to feel eg. Anger when we don't want to be yelling or whatever at others. Its OK to be angry and not "act" on your anger. Let the emotions flow through your body and just marvel at the sensations. Anger is kind of a strong emotion but you'll begin to sense all kinds of very subtle emotions like the little angers of resentment, being "pissed off" etc. Sensing these things give you about 30-60 seconds to take a little pause and not simply react. Then you can choose what you want to do. Do you want to tell someone that you are angry, or is it simply not worth it? You'll eventually begin to be able to balance these kinds of things, but it takes practice. Observe the things that make you angry, see if there's a pattern. This is great fodder for journaling.

2. Why not show emotion in front of your kids at times? I mean, the kids need to learn that feeling and sensing emotions is a normal part of the human existence. It's OK to let them see you vulnerable and even fearful and let them see the process (to a degree, of course) of building yourself back up and being stronger than ever. This is never taught in school - kids are taught the opposite - not to make too much happy noise, to be quiet for the benefit of others, to hold in anger and sadness etc. You have the unique opportunity to learn and to teach your children that it's not just about behavior and social expectation but it's also about a mind/body connection.

 

WOW great point.

 

Yes, but I have to learn how to do this first! Mom dissolving into sobbing despair periodically is not good for them. I have to be able to explain it, resolve it, etc. Otherwise they will naturally think I am unhappy because of them.

 

You talk to them.
Of course not right away, but the feelings of overwhelm, despair, confusion, and anxiety will pass (for the most part.. they will still come up as you work through things) and let them know they are your heart, your lifeline and that people go through personal struggles that are not about others and that they are not responsible for how someone else feels. Being supportive and there for someone is a kindness but not a duty.

 

Thank you. I think being home with my children for all the hours of the day is challenging for me in terms of TMS because my father burdened me with all of his emotions with no consideration for my wellbeing. Then he walked away from the emotion, leaving me to carry it and care for him. I don't want to do thatto my children -- but have not yet found a healthy way of handling my emotions while with them (most of the time). I do try to talk to them about it in an age-appropriate way...still far to go, though. I treat my emotions as dangerous *to my children* and so I repress them.

 

Sarno talked about people, particularly women in your situation, overcoming their pain by becoming aware that they were angry at their kids. I used to be my sons' primary parent but I wasn't around them as much as a Homeschool Mom...still I figured out ways to do the Sarno thing without always needing to feel and act on the emotion.

I would think a lot of terrible things and just keep them to myself. I also wrote first thing in the morning before the household was awake. I got up at 4am..the magic hour!

15 minutes of reading Sarno, 5-10 minutes of scrawling Rage makers I was beginning to notice, 1 minute to review the 12 daily reminders. I got better and fought off many attempted relapses that way

It's right after the Daily Reminders in "Healing Back Pain" at the bottom of Page 83 where he addresses a woman in a similar situation to you. I believe she is described as 'perpetually harassed'... Love his words.
Yes, even being perpetually harassed, you can get over this by reclaiming the real estate in your head!!

I also got better without becoming an A-hole...my sons and I are still close and they are 27 and 32 so in spite of my internal rage, they liked something about me!

 

@Baseball65 That gives me so much hope!! Thank you.

 

I read these comments above and subsequently I came across something called 'The Container Method' which I've started using. Because I visualise putting the incident or issue that I want to deal with in a box to open up later on, I don't forget to do so and don't forget exactly what the issue was. This is what perplexity.ai says about the The Container Method which I gather is usually mainly used to process stuff that can feel overwhelming to deal with all in one go, but I'm also finding it good for when I'm not in a position to work through stuff because I've got to get on with other things at the time:

"How the Container Method Works

• Visualization: You imagine a secure, strong container-such as a box, safe, vault, or any object that feels protective to you. The details are up to you: its size, color, material, and location should all feel right for your needs.
• Placing Distress Inside: You mentally place distressing thoughts, emotions, memories, or sensations into this container. You might do this by visualizing the items being moved into the container and then securely closing it.
• Temporary Storage: The container is not for permanent avoidance, but for temporarily setting aside overwhelming material until you are in a safe, supportive environment (like a therapy session) to process it.
• Regaining Control: This method helps you feel more in control of your emotions, reduces overwhelm, and allows you to function day-to-day without being flooded by distress.
• Returning to the Container: If distressing material resurfaces, you can visualize placing it back in the container as often as needed until you’re ready to address it.

Why Use the Container Method?

• Emotional Regulation: It helps you stay within your “window of tolerance,” so you’re not overwhelmed or shut down by difficult emotions.
• Healthy Compartmentalization: Unlike bottling up or suppressing emotions, the container method acknowledges the feelings and sets them aside intentionally, with the plan to revisit and process them later.
• Transition Tool: It can be especially helpful at the end of therapy sessions or after triggering events, providing a mindful way to shift back into daily life.

Important Considerations

• The container method is a temporary coping strategy, not a substitute for working through emotions in the long term.
• Over-reliance on this method without processing the stored emotions can lead to “emotional hoarding,” where unaddressed feelings accumulate and cause further distress.
• The goal is to build up the skills and support needed to eventually process what’s in the container, not to keep it locked away forever.

In summary:
The container method provides a safe, temporary way to manage overwhelming emotions by visualizing them being placed in a secure mental “container” until you are ready to process them in a healthy, supported way."

 

Great tool, thanks for sharing @BloodMoon.

 

Yes ! The container method is used in EMDR. The key is to follow through on going back to the things in the container and dealing with them. If you don't follow through, your subconscious will realize that it's just another way of avoiding emotions.