First off there is profanity in this text.. I thought about taking it out or switching words around.. but this is the real, raw and genuine expression of how I feel right now. Just want to give all readers a fair heads up. Day 1 Question to ponder: What would life without TMS mean to you? Freedom. Epic fucking freedom. Freedom in sports, in conversation, in the gym, in relationships, at work, sitting comfortably by the tv or the computer. Simply sitting in any fucking way comfortably for hours and hours at a time without out feeling like I am slipping into a psychotic breakdown, because the pain roaring in my nerve is screaming so loudly. I’d Not in any way worry about how I should position myself in a seat, chair or couch. No anticipating the coming of pain before doing an activity or sitting in a fucking passenger car seat. Not having pain contribute to 60-75 percent of my normal daily fucking thought process. Not being distracted by electrical nerve shocks of “ go fuck yourself” bolts of lighting every time I sit down or bend at the waste. Being able to concentrate at work while sitting like a normal 25 in shape human. Not having stress or anxiety or tiredness contribute to the already fucked feeling in my back. Literally life without tms would be like winning the god damn lottery – id walk around with a perpetual smile. Id not envy the old man sitting comfortably in a wooden chair for hours without moving, not to mention not having the pain of turning my body to look at him with saddened jealousy. I would wake excited for the new day ready to embrace its challenges and obstacles. Id not wake up with what tends to feel like I was hit with an iron bat for 20 minutes or on worse days, having felt like Mike Tyson hit the left side of my back for 12 straight rounds. Life would be easy and flowing and id be grateful and undistracted by the weighted pain of bullshit. Id be able to concentrate and focus on reality and in the moment stuff to get done rather than daydream of all the fucked up things I would do just to be pain free for the next 24 hours. Id feel limitless and confident and literally have nothing holding me back. Id be more patient and determined. Id not stress over the idea of having to sit down for 20 minutes and write a report. Id actually be able to sneeze with a roar and not worry about walking around with a limp from an electrical spasm for the following 8 minutes. Id retain information better because id actually be focused and undistracted. Id be able to genuinely relax in conversation with a female without trying to find an excuse to go home so I could just lay on my back and relax. Id be able to drive my fucking car around without having to pop my back every 3 fucking minutes. Id be able to actually squat and dead lift and bend at the fucking waste line without fear of a demon shooting a fucking poison spear through my nerve ending. Id be able to walk into MMA class and wrestle around without feeling like my head is going to split in half because I am trying so unbelievably hard to not scream in utter profanity about how much fucking pain I am in and id kick so much more ass if it didn’t feel like my back just turned 100 years old. Id be able to act normal, feel normal, and appreciate life significantly more. Id not wake up with the heavy burden of “ how bad is it going to hurt today and am I going to be able to persevere this pain better than I did the day before” I’ll be able to actually relax socially and sit in a couch and focus on other people and in conversation and debates without being distracted by fear and anticipation of how long is this going to last for. I would not be in a prison cell of my own misery of constant discomfort and agony. Id actually feel like a young 25 year old ready to grow and take on the world. Id not feel psychotic when the pain is so great that I have thoughts of sticking a screw driver into my back and wiggling it around in all directions (literally MAKES me happy to think about this) where it hurts. Id be able to do yoga. Id be able to stretch and touch my toes. Id be able to lift some serious weight and do awesome sports with out any type of fear. Id feel normal and calm and focused and relaxed and I wouldn’t let common stressors affect my body. Id be happy and content and excited in each new morning to come. Id not feel debilitated and like there was something wrong with me every minute of every day. Id not feel weak or inadequate, Id feel the opposite. Without TMS I would have incredible freedom within my body and mind. Freedom to not be hindered by pain or discomfort. Id not have to hold back tears every morning on my drive to work because the pain is so great that it feels like I am just going to explode. I’d be able to feel human and normal and be able to love and appreciate my healthy young body. I’d look forward to watching a movie with friends on the couch rather than make an excuse to why I cant hang with them.. when in reality 100 percent of the reason is because the thought of sitting seems horrific. Without TMS I would be kyle again.