What TMS recovery work looks like

Some of my friends here on the forum encouraged me to look deeper into my relationship with my sister. Every time I even think about her I get symptoms.

Finally, yesterday I wrote her an unsent letter. I’ve never written her an unsent letter. (This is a technique found in the structured educational program.) I know why I’ve never done it before —because it was really hard. And it revealed some things I’ve never really known. Some additional secrets I didn’t know before from therapy. (See underlined.) Plus, it released some of my emotions about it.

My sister and I were abused by my father. My mother took out all her rage about it on me, but favored my sister. My sister grew up to be a narcissist— which is a really abusive personality. I never wanted to see anything wrong with her because she was really the only support and comfort I had growing up—and even later.

It was so bad with my mom that I couldn’t even stuff the lies about how mean she was toward me. But I could stuff the lies about how mean my sister was toward me and how much it hurt that they had each other and I had no one.

Last night, I had some horrific symptoms. I was awake most of the night. Instead of being upset, which I sometimes am, I actually acknowledged that my body is releasing some of the trauma memories it has stored all these years. I said, “It’s OK, just go ahead.” It makes sense there’s a lot of trauma trying to come out now. I accepted it.

This morning, I have anxiety and dissociation. Dissociation is a miserable feeling where you feel detached from your body. It’s a survival skill that young children have for surviving abusive environments. I know this will pass in a day or two. I’ve had it before.

One step closer to healing. I know that ultimately, this is what “The Work” looks like. And I’m a veteran of it. Yet, I still avoid it like the plague.

But, I know the only way out is through.

 

Diana - I feel as if you are my sister from another mother. What you say, the struggles and experiences you’ve been through, echos with mine. You know what? We might be in pain but we aren’t narc’s, psychos, socios or mentally ill. We are neurotypical and perhaps our pain is the price we pay for not having a distorted brain filled with malignant thoughts of malice and hatred. I hope that one day we will both heal and look back at our struggles as true warriors. You go, girl. Do whatever it takes to get your life back. I’m on your side.

 

Mike,
You just made me cry ❤️— in a good way. Thank you for saying that! I was just starting to feel this huge remorse for sharing such deep ugly feelings with the world. For telling the truth out loud. Screaming the secrets on the Internet. There’s this saying in psychology: “you’re only as sick as the secrets you keep.” And that’s what makes me forge ahead.

Yes, indeed, my dear brother. I truly hope it for us! If we don’t give up, we can get there.

 

As I understand it, innocent children always blame themselves in one way or another for the deeds of their torturers. These were your parents' and your sister's secrets, not yours. You can tell the world about their behaviour; you have nothing whatsoever to feel remorseful for! No doubt about it, you needed to get rid of the weight of this oh so heavy baggage by telling of what happened and expressing your feelings. How could you permanently free yourself from TMS symptoms with all of this bottled up inside you? As @mikeinlondon says - do whatever it takes, whatever you need to do to get your life back. Your sister hasn't got TMS; she's living her life how she wants to without debilitating symptoms, thank you very much. So stick two fingers up at her and your late parents! Tell it like it is; it's the truth... and it's time for you to be pain free and doing exactly what YOU want to do with your life!

 

@BloodMoon , my friend! I couldn’t make it without you! ❤️Thank you. I love what you said. And I know that telling it might feel weird and even scary at first. It does, in fact. Like a child speaking up. But that little child has waited a long time to speak up. And now it’s time. The strength comes from saying it.

 

Oh, I get you @Diana-M
I did not go through the same kind of abuse you did, but still it was so much emotional abuse. My mom was a bit of a narcissist. My sister and I have always had a strained relationship although we love one another, we aren't close.
We each have our views of each other, and how we grew up, and I often feel very uncomfortable and judged around my sister (she is a fantastic person, BTW, I got the luck of the sister draw!) - but there is baggage. Like you, I wrote a really difficult unsent letter to her, and feel much the better for it. It gave me so much more understanding and perspective in how she has developed her own coping skills, and how she NEEDS to be the older, better, more accomplished, striving sister and how that makes me feel. I just own it. I recognize that those feelings don't have to pervade and spill over into other aspects of my life and I've worked hard to make sure that they don't.
You've got a lot of baggage to sort through, but you are doing it. Of course there is resistance, it's unpleasant and messy and makes you re-live all kinds of guck, but it sure does clean out those closets!

 

Diana - sending you a big hug ❤️

I'm sorry about what happened and how you felt - those feelings are valid.

We don't need others to save us or make us feel good. We hold the key. Yeah, it does suck to have to deal with all this now. But I know you're getting close.

I'll also echo what @BloodMoon said. Screw your sister, your parents, and go live your life - don't let this s*it hold you back.

If you need to, put up boundaries and stick to them. That is protecting your peace.

 

It is wild how unesent letters can really bring out some feelings you didn't know you were holding onto! This was huge breakthrough for you!!

 

@Diana-M I am touched by your honesty and bravery in confronting the truth. You will find your way out, by going through. I just know it.