Day 25 What is my self-image and past aspirations?

[Hedger]

It has now been 50 days since I started and I´m on day 25 of the program. Moving forward.

Today I did a free-run journaling without picking a topic. I ended up writing about who I have been trying to be for most of my life. Successful, disciplined, hard-working, straight A´s, compliant, avoid conflict for others sake, follow rules, good boyfriend, good provider etc. It´s like this is what is good for society/work/others but sucks for me emotionally. And I think my parents/family have put this in my mind all my childhood - how to be a good person and the importance of achievements. Genetics probably also play a role.

It´s like I have this extremely compliant and critical Super-Ego (Freud) that moralize too much.

I don't really want to focus on all that if I´m true to myself. I want to be more egoistic, emotion-oriented and present in the moment. I feel like I want to rebel against myself. Listen you piece of shit drill sergeant in my head, you are fired. Yeah, you get the fuck out now. I´m going to enjoy myself and express my needs. Wow, that felt good to write. I paused 30 sec and felt this joy in my chest.

What I want is to have energy, feel joy; be a happy person around my kid and wife and feel caring. To laugh with them. My son is so awesome, he makes me want to be a better and happier person.
I want to be cared for by others. I want to be sexually satisfied. I want to eat tasty food. I want to feel like I matter regardless of achievements or chores performed. To feel strong in my body and have confidence. Feel powerful and in control of myself. I want to listen to my urges more. I want to show my emotions more. I don't want to involve my self too much in other's problems.

Trouble sleeping
Last 4 days I have had trouble sleeping, waking up many times per night. Last night I read about outcome independence regarding sleep. I used that thinking when I went to bed, fell asleep faster and had at least 6h uninterrupted sleep (then the kid woke me up...). So I´m glad I read that post since it helped.

 

[Baseball65]

I have been following your posts and I think your doing awesome. Reading one of your earlier posts, you sounded so much like me it was like listening to myself through a time machine. The 'being there for everybody else' and 'being perfecto-dad' in particular. Putting other people's problems in front of my own.

I feel like I want to rebel against myself.

That, also, would be a short summary of how I got pain free so fast. As you noted , some of us are wired at the core

It´s like I have this extremely compliant and critical Super-Ego (Freud) that moralize too much

I know Sarno uses 'Adult-Parent-Child' as a simplification, but I like extremes so I'd go 'Moses-Me-Criminal' for Super-ego, Ego and Id. Moses is always pissing off Me and the Criminal. I did NOT have to go back to being a criminal to get pain free, but I had to Heckle Moses. I also have to let the criminal speak his peace...out loud.
ANYTHING that raises self awareness will make TMS go away. Psychology, Meta-physics, Spiritual unfolding, introspection. The only caveat is You have to believe it. That's it. I got well really fast because I waded into the mess up there and got rid of all the doubt by inspecting it closely. That takes a little quiet time.

What I want is to have energy, feel joy; be a happy person around my kid and wife and feel caring. To laugh with them. My son is so awesome, he makes me want to be a better and happier person.
I want to be cared for by others. I want to be sexually satisfied. I want to eat tasty food. I want to feel like I matter regardless of achievements or chores performed. To feel strong in my body and have confidence. Feel powerful and in control of myself. I want to listen to my urges more. I want to show my emotions more. I don't want to involve my self too much in other's problems.

me too. I haven't got there yet, BUT I have gotten rid of TMS. I'll bet this weeks paycheck , you will be healed very soon.

 

[Hedger]

I have been following your posts and I think your doing awesome.

Thank you for your comments and encouragement throughout all the posts!

I like extremes so I'd go 'Moses-Me-Criminal' for Super-ego, Ego and Id.

Haha this made me laugh, but also makes a lot of sense!

Moses is always pissing off Me and the Criminal.

I am starting to feel this way! Or maybe I have always felt this way unconsciously, but never understood it. My Moses have been in focus and prioritized for so long.

but I had to Heckle Moses. I also have to let the criminal speak his peace...out loud.

This also makes a lot of sense! When you say "out loud": Do you mean out loud in your head and recognized as you, or actually out loud to other people (to all/few confidants)?

I'll bet this weeks paycheck , you will be healed very soon.

Thanks for the support and believing in me

 

[Baseball65]

Do you mean out loud in your head and recognized as you, or actually out loud to other people (to all/few confidants)?

Definitely in my head and LOUD. That's what I write about when I do write...about things with which I am angry and , boy, do I let it fly on paper. No holds Barred. I get to see how enlightened I am NOT.

I am fortunate enough to have a network of close friends who I can tell anything in confidence with impunity...the ugly stuff like when I am angry at my sons, GF's, whomever . The shallow stuff, the mean stuff. We also help each other when we feel stuck and are not "seeing it".

..and I also have learned that I do NOT need to tell the people who I am angry with, or anybody it might affect. When I first got better after Sarno I thought I needed to tell my wife everything and that worked out about as well as you can guess (LOL) not very. Every now and then there is something that must be confronted, but it's the outlier... rarely

The whole process is about what you are already doing...raising your awareness. To be honest, I am never really certain in real time if I have gotten the right repressed anger sorted out, but simply going through the process is enough to tell my unconscious that I know what it's doing and I am not playing along. Each time I submitted myself to the process the symptoms left faster and faster. Nowadays its about preventative maintenance. Remember Sarno said "I don't treat pain"... Ideally we want to prevent it!

rock on!