It has now been 50 days since I started and I´m on day 25 of the program. Moving forward. Today I did a free-run journaling without picking a topic. I ended up writing about who I have been trying to be for most of my life. Successful, disciplined, hard-working, straight A´s, compliant, avoid conflict for others sake, follow rules, good boyfriend, good provider etc. It´s like this is what is good for society/work/others but sucks for me emotionally. And I think my parents/family have put this in my mind all my childhood - how to be a good person and the importance of achievements. Genetics probably also play a role. It´s like I have this extremely compliant and critical Super-Ego (Freud) that moralize too much. I don't really want to focus on all that if I´m true to myself. I want to be more egoistic, emotion-oriented and present in the moment. I feel like I want to rebel against myself. Listen you piece of shit drill sergeant in my head, you are fired. Yeah, you get the fuck out now. I´m going to enjoy myself and express my needs. Wow, that felt good to write. I paused 30 sec and felt this joy in my chest. What I want is to have energy, feel joy; be a happy person around my kid and wife and feel caring. To laugh with them. My son is so awesome, he makes me want to be a better and happier person. I want to be cared for by others. I want to be sexually satisfied. I want to eat tasty food. I want to feel like I matter regardless of achievements or chores performed. To feel strong in my body and have confidence. Feel powerful and in control of myself. I want to listen to my urges more. I want to show my emotions more. I don't want to involve my self too much in other's problems. Trouble sleeping Last 4 days I have had trouble sleeping, waking up many times per night. Last night I read about outcome independence regarding sleep. I used that thinking when I went to bed, fell asleep faster and had at least 6h uninterrupted sleep (then the kid woke me up...). So I´m glad I read that post since it helped.