What is a healthy way to express anger?

[grateful_mama]

Hi all,
In my writing today, I think I realized that I don't outwardly express anger very often, and am not even sure exactly how it feels in the body...besides "hot." I tend to get frustrated, anxious, sad, or scared/worried about any number of things...but I'm not a person who tends to feel (or allow myself to feel) anger. That said, I'm sure a lot of it is repressed and I'm not even aware of it. But I guess it's probably unhealthy to shove the feeling down...for example, when I'm frustrated that my baby needs my constant attention and I'm trying to get something else done. I love her! So I try to focus on that part, and try to be OK...and I think I try to gloss over the anger that I feel on some level.

I think Dr. Sarno says you don't have to even feel the anger to relieve the TMS pain...just acknowledge that it's there. But it seems like I don't even know the healthy ways of expressing anger. My parents yelled a lot. My dad had a bad temper. So I think I associate anger with a loss of control...and danger, on some level. I don't want to scare my daughter. SO...how do you guys allow yourselves to feel, and then express and dissolve anger?

Actually...as I'm writing this...I realize that usually in the past when I've gotten very angry at my husband, I've started writing...journaling...as this seems to help me feel better without having to yell at him (which is what I really want to do in the moment). So, maybe that's my way of feeling and expressing it, and perhaps it's actually the best way for me.

PS...I'm only on about day 16 of the program after starting the program nearly 2 months ago. It's just been nuts trying to find time and energy to do the program. But not being able to do it (and having continued pain) is adding to the frustration. Sigh.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Mama. I used to calm my anger by bashing things... I hit my stove with a hammer. Or at the office, I would break a new pencil in half. It felt good. You've found that journaling about your anger helps you. That's great. Some people write a letter to someone to express their anger, then do not send the letter.

This article from the Mayo Clinic suggests some ways of managing anger...


Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper

Keeping your temper in check can be challenging. Use simple anger management tips — from taking a timeout to using "I" statements — to stay in control.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Do you fume when someone cuts you off in traffic? Does your blood pressure rocket when your child refuses to cooperate? Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion — but it's important to deal with it in a positive way. Uncontrolled anger can take a toll on both your health and your relationships.




Ready to get your anger under control? Start by considering these 10 anger management tips.

1. Think before you speak
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.

2. Once you're calm, express your anger
As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

3. Get some exercise
Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.

4. Take a timeout
Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.

5. Identify possible solutions
Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.

6. Stick with 'I' statements
To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes" instead of "You never do any housework."



7. Don't hold a grudge
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.


8. Use humor to release tension
Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

9. Practice relaxation skills
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.




10. Know when to seek help
Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.

 

[MindBodyPT]

Hi all,
In my writing today, I think I realized that I don't outwardly express anger very often, and am not even sure exactly how it feels in the body...besides "hot." I tend to get frustrated, anxious, sad, or scared/worried about any number of things...but I'm not a person who tends to feel (or allow myself to feel) anger. That said, I'm sure a lot of it is repressed and I'm not even aware of it. But I guess it's probably unhealthy to shove the feeling down...for example, when I'm frustrated that my baby needs my constant attention and I'm trying to get something else done. I love her! So I try to focus on that part, and try to be OK...and I think I try to gloss over the anger that I feel on some level.

I think Dr. Sarno says you don't have to even feel the anger to relieve the TMS pain...just acknowledge that it's there. But it seems like I don't even know the healthy ways of expressing anger. My parents yelled a lot. My dad had a bad temper. So I think I associate anger with a loss of control...and danger, on some level. I don't want to scare my daughter. SO...how do you guys allow yourselves to feel, and then express and dissolve anger?

Actually...as I'm writing this...I realize that usually in the past when I've gotten very angry at my husband, I've started writing...journaling...as this seems to help me feel better without having to yell at him (which is what I really want to do in the moment). So, maybe that's my way of feeling and expressing it, and perhaps it's actually the best way for me.

PS...I'm only on about day 16 of the program after starting the program nearly 2 months ago. It's just been nuts trying to find time and energy to do the program. But not being able to do it (and having continued pain) is adding to the frustration. Sigh.

A great suggestion that came out of the course I just went to by Dr. Schubiner and Alan Gordon was to role play and let out your anger in private, either in therapy, with a friend or just by yourself. Journaling is good but sometimes it helps to say it out loud. Hitting a pillow can help too, but that's more displacement of the anger overall. It can be a good release to let out the anger as if you're talking to the person (without actually doing it).