So it looks like my third attempt at this program was the final one! While I'm not symptom free and may never be I've made profound progress and feel like I'm in the drivers seat of my life (I also spend a lot of time genuinely happy which wasn't at all the case before). What I learned is that I just need to be kind to myself, that one change has basically turned my life around. I feel like the fact that instead of berating myself when I'm supporting and taking care of myself has actually let a lot of emotions surface. I realized I've been kind of disassociated for years now, I've known for a while I was prone to it but I never realized how bad it was until I dissociated again after a bad incident and figured out how to snap myself out of it. I feel real again for the first time in years. I still have work to do right now I'm trying to figure out how to forgive myself for stuff I've done in the past. Some of this was from when I was really little but I still feel bad about it. It's slow going but I'm definitely making progress. Thanks to everyone who helped me out along the way!