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What do with emotionally unavailable mother?

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Everly, Jul 4, 2017.

  1. Everly

    Everly Peer Supporter

    Due to severe TMS I have moved back home with my mother. Our relationship has always been a bit strained, so it is an awful thing in itself to have moved back at age 27 but I no longer could hold a job due to pain and fatigue , so I had to.
    Now, don't get me wrong, I am very happy that she has taken me in, she has supported me financially tremendously all my life until I was independent and now when I had loads of medical bills (that found nothing, but still very costly). And she is doing her best I suppose, but..she is just unable to show any love during this time, which is well frankly hellish for me, TMS has robbed everything from me and I feel like I do deserve some love and support and encouragement from someone else other than me. So, I thought I can deal with it, I can accept that she is the way she is. But I really don't think I really can handle it anymore. All these months when she was unsupportive, was freaking out for how long I was sick, giving unasked advice, pointing out my flaws and accusing me of being overly emotional and always stressing how hard my TMS is for HER, I first reacted badly, we got in a fight and then somehow I always end up feeling like the crazy person and am apologizing and consoling her.. This scenario has happened multiple times. I have actually discussed with her that this is unhelpful and have literally told her what to say when Im having a bad flare up, but she never does, she always is her same self. And I know she will never change, yet I still feel the need to tell her things, to seek support from her.. And I sometimes feel true anger and hate at her that she never was there for me when I was a child and shes not here for me when Im in so much pain. So much rage, Ive written about it felt it, but its hard to let go because she does it over and over again. So Im thinking now, perhaps, I should just stop trying, kinda cut her off, as much as it is possible living in the same house? But then I feel guilty.. Anybody with similar experiences?
  2. jaumeb

    jaumeb Peer Supporter

    You can handle it and much more. You don't need others to change to be happy. You just need be a bit better at ignoring stuff. My grandma is here with me continuously throwing crazy accusations. There is no point in arguing with her. I just patiently listen and move on with my life.
    Everly and birdsetfree like this.
  3. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    I am sorry you are going through this. It is so hard not to have your mothers true empathy. I think it would just be more enraging to try to change her and exacerbate your symptoms. Instead try to set boundaries with your mom that keep you safe. I say relax and lean away from all of that. Be compassionate and loving to yourself and take more care of yourself in all the ways you can think of. Perhaps setting some goals of your own to focus on that will help you get the life you want. Tms is a tension induced syndrome and so your healing will come from healing your spirit and emotional traumas etc. Your body is healthy, so the pain is there to protect you from what it perceives as intolerable emotions. Working through your tms recovery journey will give you your life back.
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2017
    Everly likes this.
  4. balto

    balto Beloved Grand Eagle

    I always thought that love and respect, admiration, attention... all these things are things we have to earn from others. It is always funny to hear someone ask others questions like: "why don't you love me?, why don't you show me some sympathy?".
    I think if we think we need someone's love in order to get better then we are setting ourselves up for failure. The more we depend on anyone for any thing the harder for us to overcome our tms. Our happiness and peace of mind have to come from within us. It is too risky dependent on someone else to bring it to us, It won't happen.
    If I am down on my luck and have to move back in with my mom. And if she support me financially, she let me invading her space, she has to put up with me doing nothing to help her around the house because of my illness, then she can yell and scream and curse at me all day long and I will still love her. Who else would willing to do that for you? Mother is the one who should ask: "why don't you show me some love and appreciation for all I have done for you?", not the other way around.
    dilligaf likes this.
  5. dilligaf

    dilligaf New Member

    All of the above and more! In the same way you feel pain and frustration from your Mother's behaviour - she feels the same too! It is a cycle that parents hand on to their children and it goes on and on... In the same way you need to give yourself space and compassion and healing - so too for your Mum. This does not mean that you will feel less frustration and angst - but it does mean you can process it - and move on.
    I have so much resentment and anger at stuff my Mum did when i was young - and even more at the way she fails to understand even now. But i also love and respect her for being my Mum and for putting her kids ahead of her own yearnings - unfortunately she made catastrophic decisions based on her parents advice ( oh how the cycle carries on!) I am at a place in my tms recovery that i can hold compassion for her at the same time as still feeling the anger - but being able to use the tms 'tools' to work thru it all and be balanced and healthy myself.. It is hard, but not impossible!

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