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Day 23 what am I avoiding?

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by valerie, Jun 4, 2013.

  1. valerie

    valerie Peer Supporter

    I know exactly what I have been avoiding but I won't be able to do it much longer. I am adopted at birth, and I've known my birthmother for almost 20 years. I found her when I was in my mid-20s. My TMS pain first came on last summer when I was visiting her, and hit full force after my honeymoon after I had been worried/stressing about not inviting her to my wedding.
    I've always had a cordial but a bit superficial relationship with her - I am not sure I have ever cried or expressed my anger at her for giving me away. Even though I had a great life and wouldn't trade my adopted parents and their love for anything, I know those emotions are deep and I've avoided them.
    I am going to Boston next week for work and I am going to spend the weekend with her, alone for the most part - and I know I have to say something. I am definitely nervous. She is a walking advertisement for TMS; she has really bad back pain and had surgery for it in her 30s. She accommodates everyone else before her, to the point where the other family members even call it out to me because they find it almost annoying. My husband calls it smothering.
    My big fear is that she will poopoo the diagnosis and that will make me doubt it. I will have to stay strong and just get it out and not care if she believes it or not.
  2. Stella

    Stella Well known member

    Help me understand. Do you believe her giving you away contributes to your Tms?

    I can see why it would be scary to tell her since she rejected you before and could do it again.

    By telling her are you hoping to help her with her own TMS?
  3. gailnyc

    gailnyc Well known member

    Valerie, why do you feel you need to tell her about your TMS? Do you think it will help you in some way?
  4. valerie

    valerie Peer Supporter

    I think more than anything I have been repressing the feelings about being given away. I don't think I have ever cried or yelled or anything. I have always been super polite and nice. And she is very nice and her family is great. Frankly I feel a lot closer to a couple of my aunts and my sister than I do her. They have all been so welcoming. I live far away so I don't see them that often.
    Thinking through this I just think I take too much on myself and I avoid the difficult topics. Last year I was worried about "snubbing" this family by not inviting them to my wedding, but I knew my adopted mother would be uncomfortable if my birthmother was there. I talked to my sister about it and she said, don't worry, everyone understands. But I never talked to my birthmother about it directly. Plus my cousin got married in September and I really wanted to go, but I felt very awkward that I wasn't inviting her to my own wedding, so I just didn't go. And i think I internalized this much more than necessary - i don't think they missed 2 more people at their wedding of 300+.

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