Day 5 What activity do I like doing?

This is hard for me because I feel like one of my flaws is that I'm too focused on doing whatever I want instead of doing what I'm supposed to be doing, so my initial response to this question is that I already do so many things that I enjoy but that's not really true.

I spend a lot of time scrolling on my phone instead of actually doing activities that make me happy. My therapist has me doing at least one hour of an activity every day that I enjoy and that gives my brain a "break". Lately it's been playing Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door.

I know I don't really prioritize anything in my life, I want to do more things that actually bring me joy instead of just going through the motions.

I used to really enjoy writing erotica before I got this sick, but when you have to pee all the time it's hard to feel sexy and actually becoming aroused hurts because everything in that area is so sensitive (I'm a woman btw I think my username confused some people.) I want to get back to doing that, feeling sexual is one of the things I miss the most about my life before my TMS got so much worse. I don't think I can commit to doing that now but I want to do it more in the future.

 

I struggle with that too Zeus, I have a lot of actives that I know I enjoy but sometimes the allure of mindlessly scrolling sucks me in, never forget it’s all designed to be addictive, so give yourself some grace!

I love old Nintendo game! do you have any favorites? I’ve been recently replaying through super Metroid (I like to speedrun it) and some old Zelda games, Majoras mask is my favorite game ever.

 

TTYD was actually one of my favorites I'm so glad they remade it. I'm not actually much of a gamer, really, but I also love Majora's Mask a lot!! I play more handheld games so I also really love the early Pokemon games (Crystal is my favorite) and Link's Awakening and Tetris is probably my favorite game ever.

 

Good taste! Links awakening is one of my favorites too!

 

That is a fantastic idea from your therapist! And a huge part of recovery IMO. I am sure that you can get back to doing whatever you want to do (in fact I think doing what you want to do is how you get back to doing what you want to do—as long as it's truly what you want to spend your time on and not just a distraction from difficult emotions—but I completely understand taking it slow where symptoms are concerned).

I've been thinking a lot about this lately as I work on the same type of mental shift, as well as doing what I can to take care of myself even when I have to do things that aren't so enjoyable (like being at work for instance). I've been checking in with myself throughout the day, and on my days off considering what do I actually want to do today? And then making a little plan of things that actually give me a happy safe feeling. Sometimes those things are small like reading a book or making dinner, and sometimes bigger like lately I've been really into recording music with my friends—even though that's a high intensity activity in some ways it almost never spikes my symptoms. This has taken a while to figure out, but after a couple weeks of getting my brain on board with this new way of looking at things I'm finding that instead of being bored/listless and worrying about symptoms whenever I'm not at work, I'm now suddenly finding myself busy with too many fun things to do and that feels amazing and is helping me to forget about my symptoms (what symptoms? ha).

On work days I'm also trying to take care of myself in the moment, making sure I'm well fed and have something warm to drink (I'm outside for part of my mornings), putting on some music I like, organizing my tasks for the day so I don't get overwhelmed, setting boundaries with my boss so we can communicate effectively and no one gets stressed out, and so on.

It's all basic life stuff I guess but man lately I'm noticing the difference is really staggering when being mindful of yourself vs. not taking care of yourself at all. I guess it should be obvious but it sure as hell wasn't to me before TMS.

 

I have been easing back into reading some erotica when my symptoms are not as bad (It's so funny, I say erotica to lend it a faint veneer of respectability but it's fanfiction) and that has been fulfilling. I do want to get back to writing, it's just hard because it really triggers my fear of my symptoms which I want to try to avoid because I think that just makes them worse. But you're right! I have tried to just get back to doing a lot of what I love over the last few days since I started the SEP.

I think that's awesome! I know Alan Gordon really suggests attending to yourself and your own needs and asking what you really need to feel safe and comfortable right now. I actually had my first session with my PRT therapist this afternoon and she suggested something similar - when my symptoms are bad to check in with myself and ask my brain and body what it needs right now.

 

I'm thrilled to hear that you have gone the therapist route. I saw in your other post that you were considering it.

Have you shared your suicidal thoughts (mentioned in your other posts) with your therapist? You don't have to answer that here or anything. I just want to support you and encourage you to give yourself your best chance at identifying what's going on with your TMS and letting go of the symptoms... Making that kinda progress with such despair and possible desperation in your mind/heart seems like it'd be extra-challenging. It's challenging enough to deal with TMS!!
Hang in there and there's so much love and support and understanding here on the forum.
Be well!

 

I actually have a regular therapist in addition to the PRT therapist and yes, she's aware of my suicidal feelings.